Lying

[delusionaldolly]

So, some of you know that I am a liar, and this is something I've been working on recently. I have been seeing a therapist now for about 3 months, maybe less, and this is the main thing I've been trying to tackle. The reason I've faced it head on is because I was taken advantage of whilst off my face a few months back, and no-one believes me because I was such a mess before hand. It's massive "girl who cried wolf" scenario, and I'm so deeply hurt that my friends wont talk to me at all. I work with the man who took advantage of me, and he's been telling people that I'm a compulsive liar and not to believe a word I say. And people are listening to him, friends of mine are inviting him round for dinner, and discussing what a mess I am with him.

I have been honest about lying with a few friends recently. I've sat them down and told them that I've had MH problems, and that I have lied in the past, but that I'm working on it so I can live a calm and happy life. The ones I've discussed it with have taken it well, saying that I'm brave for dealing with it. And I know that I cant sit everyone I know down and tell them this and expect a good answer from them.

Part of me feels like I deserve to have no friends for the lies that I've told, and that I deserve not to be believed about this incident because I've been a mess. But my lies have hurt no-one but me, and my friends should be helping me get better, not stabbing me in the back. And the guy who did THAT to me is now lying to everyone else and himself, and everyone accepts it as his truth.

I lied to be liked, accepted, loved, and all it's done is push people away. Now that I need support, because something truly horrible happened to me, I have no-one left. My lies have pushed everyone away. I didnt lie to hurt anyone, I didnt lie to cause anyone else pain, I still believe that fundamentally I'm a good person who's been hurting for a long time, and I just wanted someone to notice me. Well they do now, and not in a good way! In more of a "oh god its her, lets cross the road" kinda way.

I will never lie here and will never lie in therapy. I dont see the point. I want to get better, and dig my way out of this mess, not bury myself further in untruths.

I wonder if anyone else has had problems with lying? I know often we lie to cover our mental health problems, but does anyone else feel it cropping up more often?

[Sparko]

I'm sorry your having a bad time with this. It's good that you realise it's a problem and that you are starting to work on it. I often lie to get out of social situations, but I don't like to because then I have to remember I've lied and follow it up if that makes sense. In the long run truth always seems to be the best option. X

[Kitsune]

I have a tendency to lie to get out of things or so I don't hurt people's feelings or so that they don't get cross with me. The way that my parents are has a lot to do with it, they've instilled in me the belief that i must be what others want me to be and I must not do anything to upset people because then they will hate or abandon me- it's not ok to be me, it's only ok to please others.

And so I've developed the need to lie about certain things so that I can actually be me and get what I need/want without having to be accused of rocking the boat or being broken down.

It's worrying because now it comes much more easily than telling the truth... I'm not even sure what the truth is these days- I'm so hidden from myself : /

So it's not abnormal with MH issues, there's a reason you do it, it's about unpicking it all and choosing the truth and being ok with the truth.

[delusionaldolly]

My therapist says that the lying isnt because I'm a bad person, it's because I'm hurting so much that I need to be loved in any way possible, even if that means lying to get that love. She says, in the same way as you said Kit, that it's about seperating the actual lie from the root cause of the lie; to understand what the hurt is and to deal with it so that lying becomes unnecessary. I too never felt good enough, and lied to cover who I really was as I felt the real me was sub-par.

I think the lying is what's got me to this low point. It's been a gut rot inside of me for 10 years, and I feel that if I can deal with it, then I can start to get better.

[jenny1471]

Hi

I really hear how lonely and frustrating this all is for you. You're trying to do the right thing.. get help for something you're struggling with, which takes amazing courage. Not only that but you're sitting some of your friends down and 'coming clean' with them, which again takes great courage. I agree that you are a good person.. and I'm just sorry that not only do you feel so low/bad that you feel the need to lie in the first place, but I also am sorry that this experience did happen to you.

In the past I have lied too. For me I was in counselling and it was supposed to be 6 sessions.. as we neared the end I told her a lie so she'd think she couldn't discharge me but we'd carry on the counselling. In fact our boundaries were totally skewed and we had constant text/email/phone contact.. but as soon as she put the boundaries back in place I'd just up my lie to something bigger. In the end the lies got stupid. I mean, horrendously bad. I am utterly ashamed of what I told her. In the end I was found out and it really shocked me. It showed me just how badly I need that attention, to feel loved and cared for, etc. I'd literally go to any lengths to get it.

It's at that point I started looking for a therapist who could really understand and work with my attachment issues. In my first session I told her about my attachment issues and that I lied. I also vowed that I'd never lie to her, and I've stuck to that. I've never lied here either, for the record

I guess what I'm trying to say, and as you're aware, there will be reasons for you feeling the need to lie. My example was clearly due to my fear of rejection, feeling abandoned and unloved etc. I'm not saying that this made my lying acceptable as it really didn't. But I can somewhat see now that there was some logic behind why I did it. It'll be in therapy that you hopefully will learn more and more what is behind the lying. You have already identified that you've never felt good enough.. Like you say you do like to be loved (as is normal) and I wonder if there's something that no one would accept you for who you are, hence the lying. But I wonder WHY you don't feel good enough. Maybe with your therapist you could, when you feel ready, talk about what lead you to believe you're not good enough. I don't know, I'm just thinking out loud really, and these examples may not fit one bit. But really I feel your understanding and growth in therapy will ultimately help.. to trust the process, explore what's really going on deep down etc.

I also hope that things improve with regards your friends etc. It can't be nice to feel that people want to cross the street when they see you. Sorry this reply is waffly but if I've gone off the track of what feels right for you please do ignore this xx

[delusionaldolly]

In the end I was found out and it really shocked me. It showed me just how badly I need that attention, to feel loved and cared for, etc. I'd literally go to any lengths to get it.

Hi Jenny,

Thanks for your reply. I know what you mean - I'd always thought of myself as being very independent, I'm quite outwardly outgoing and I really didnt think people could see how insecure I was. I've scared myself by how much I need to feel loved, as I always thought I was OK on my own. But recent events have highlighted how not OK I am. I guess I should be grateful for the insight and opportunity to change.

I did exactly the same as you. I found a therapist and told her from the first session that I had issues with lying so that way there was no way I could twist anything out of proportion or to fit my attachment needs. She's amazing and is helping me not only deal with the day to day guilt, and bad responses from "friends", but to also look at why I needed to lie. It's amazing what you hold on to from your childhood that you dont even realise you're hurting about until someone like a therapist guides you to it.

What she's definately instilled in me which has changed my entire outlook on myself and my future is that it's not necessarily my fault. Not to say I'm blameless or my lying wasn't bad, but that it was just my inability to deal with painful situations that caused it, and that I'd never learnt how to deal with pain in any other way other than to cover it up. This makes me hopeful that, even though its going to be really hard, if I deal with the pain now and re-train myself to handle it better in future, I CAN change this, and be honest and open...and HAPPY. I SO WANT TO BE HAPPY!!

Can I ask how it's going with your therapist? I dont know if you felt the same, but being honest with my therapist from the first session has made me feel so much relief. Thank you for your input, you're a very wise lady

Dolly xx

[abstract312]

You show enormous self-awareness Dolly and I think you will be alright and find the path to healing. I wish you the best of luck

[delusionaldolly]

Thank you absolute, I think being aware is half the battle. But then that's why we're all here - if we werent on this forum and talking to each other and supporting each other, then we'd probably be plodding along in our own little self-destructive worlds.

Hope you're having a good day m'dear

Dolly xx

[delusionaldolly]

A word I need to become best friends with:

INTEGRITY

The word "integrity" stems from the Latin adjective integer (whole, complete).^[2] In this context, integrity is the inner sense of "wholeness" deriving from qualities such as honesty and consistency of character. As such, one may judge that others "have integrity" to the extent that they act according to the values, beliefs and principles they claim to hold.

[jenny1471]

Hi

Thanks.. I really can relate and hear you so much. My therapy is going well, although VERY hard at times. I've been in therapy just over a year now, and I go twice a week - she's a psychodynamic therapist and so has knowledge of (and I personally think she has personal experience of) attachment issues. I say I think she has experience of it because she's SO good. And that's not me putting her up on a pedestal or anything.. I just think she genuinely really does understand. She doesn't get scared about my attachment towards her. She hasn't dumped me and has said (over and over as I've needed much reassurance!) that she will never dump me, no matter what. It's a relief.

It took me probably about 11 months to really begin trusting her. Up until then I would go, and talk, but we didn't really do any proper "work", as we refer to it. Of course we were 'working' all those months, but my trust issues did stop me really opening up to her properly. But the past few months the trust has grown and I've really opened up. She knows how big a risk this is for me and seems to really get it. The change in me in therapy is amazing, even if I say so myself.I did tell her in my very first session about the lying, and every now and then I refer to it. But we haven't really gone in to that all that much. I'm clear that it was to do with my attachment issues.. my need to not be rejected, but rather to be loved etc. So we do seem more to be focussing on my childhood rather than what I did a couple of years ago.

I think you sound like a very brave and insightful person... and I'm so pleased that you seem to have also found a therapist who can guide you and hopefully help heal your wounds for a more fulfilled life in the long run. It's not an easy journey at all.. I know that I spend many a night curled up in bed in SUCH emotional pain that I genuinely and literally feel like I won't make it through the night! Therapy is stirring up a lot.. especially with my attachment issues too, meaning I miss my therapist between sessions (realise I'll be sounding mad right now!) but this is exactly the type of thing I talk to my therapist about when I'm with her. I tell her how I worry she hates me! I tell her I'm worried she will forget me. And we explore why I feel that way. It's hard to say it.. to trust her enough to say it all in the 'here and now' but I'm now convinced more than ever that it's the route to healing. Of course it'll never replace what was missing/wrong during childhood, but it can go some way to making adult life a little easier or at least have more of an understanding around current feelings/thoughts/behaviours.

Wow I've waffled on a lot..and it's all been about me! So sorry about that.. I really hope your journey continues on an upward spiral. And that the friends you may lose through this now, will be replaced with new, understanding and supportive ones. Afterall, no one is perfect..

Take care
Jenny xx

[Lily-Bee]

Jenny, I am so happy you have a great therapist and I think youre so brave for doing the therapy and sticking to it.

Dolly, I wish for you that youll come to realise how great you really are, I think wanting to embrace integrity is a great thing. I can also promise you that doing so will feel really good, youll become friends with yourself and that is the best thing!

[delusionaldolly]

Hi Thanks.. I really can relate and hear you so much. My therapy is going well, although VERY hard at times. I've been in therapy just over a year now, and I go twice a week - she's a psychodynamic therapist and so has knowledge of (and I personally think she has personal experience of) attachment issues. I say I think she has experience of it because she's SO good. And that's not me putting her up on a pedestal or anything.. I just think she genuinely really does understand. She doesn't get scared about my attachment towards her. She hasn't dumped me and has said (over and over as I've needed much reassurance!) that she will never dump me, no matter what. It's a relief. It took me probably about 11 months to really begin trusting her. Up until then I would go, and talk, but we didn't really do any proper "work", as we refer to it. Of course we were 'working' all those months, but my trust issues did stop me really opening up to her properly. But the past few months the trust has grown and I've really opened up. She knows how big a risk this is for me and seems to really get it. The change in me in therapy is amazing, even if I say so myself.I did tell her in my very first session about the lying, and every now and then I refer to it. But we haven't really gone in to that all that much. I'm clear that it was to do with my attachment issues.. my need to not be rejected, but rather to be loved etc. So we do seem more to be focussing on my childhood rather than what I did a couple of years ago. I think you sound like a very brave and insightful person... and I'm so pleased that you seem to have also found a therapist who can guide you and hopefully help heal your wounds for a more fulfilled life in the long run. It's not an easy journey at all.. I know that I spend many a night curled up in bed in SUCH emotional pain that I genuinely and literally feel like I won't make it through the night! Therapy is stirring up a lot.. especially with my attachment issues too, meaning I miss my therapist between sessions (realise I'll be sounding mad right now!) but this is exactly the type of thing I talk to my therapist about when I'm with her. I tell her how I worry she hates me! I tell her I'm worried she will forget me. And we explore why I feel that way. It's hard to say it.. to trust her enough to say it all in the 'here and now' but I'm now convinced more than ever that it's the route to healing. Of course it'll never replace what was missing/wrong during childhood, but it can go some way to making adult life a little easier or at least have more of an understanding around current feelings/thoughts/behaviours. Wow I've waffled on a lot..and it's all been about me! So sorry about that.. I really hope your journey continues on an upward spiral. And that the friends you may lose through this now, will be replaced with new, understanding and supportive ones. Afterall, no one is perfect.. Take care Jenny xx

[delusionaldolly]

Ooooops sorry, dunno how I did that!! Or how to delete it for that matter.... You're right Jenny, no-ones perfect....I've been so hurt by my friends turning their backs on me, but they're not perfect either, they just don't understand. You're right though, I think moving on and finding people who are willing to try and understand is the best way to deal with this, I just live in a very small, very closed minded town where I feel everyone's avoiding me. It's hard, but I feel like it can't be any worse than now, and the man friend keeps telling me that people will forget eventually. I also know how you feel when you're curled up in bed....I think mental, emotional pain is far worse than physical pain. There are days when I feel like I'm having a heart attack. But the more I go to therapy, the further apart those days get. I really hope it's the same for you. And don't be sorry for telling me about you, it's reassuring to hear from someone who not only knows how it feels, but is dealing with things so admirably. Thank you for sharing with me And thanks Lily, I feel better just knowing that I can start to be honest, and doing it is not going to kill me! It feels good to let go of the crap and have an opportunity to create a newer, fresher, honest me. Long may I feel like this....unfortunately I have crummy days that push me backwards Thanks for your responses ladies, hope you're both having a peaceful Friday night Dolly xx

[delusionaldolly]

My sister told my parents that I am not ill or unstable, that I just choose to lie, and that my life is a fabrication.

I'm sad that she doesn't know me at all. I'm sad that she thinks this is something I chose. I think she can't begin to understand why I do it, so she has to believe I have control over it, that it's something I do spitefully, as that's the only way she can rationalise it.

I really hope one day she will see that this is a knee jerk reaction to pain for me, something that takes me over completely, something I feel can be so uncontrollable that often I don't even know it's happened 'till it's happened. I don't wake up in the morning and formulate some fabrication of the truth, then go around forcing it upon as many people as I can. I find reality difficult, and I cope with it by making my own reality. It's like being an illusionist, it's all smoke and mirrors - if I say something that shocks people, it distracts from the real problems, and then I dont have to deal with it. But the truth will out, and of course, deal with it I have to. Sometimes it's an awful angle on things, sometimes not so bad. But if I had a choice, I'd choose the harsh reality over my own bullshit every time.

Sad Dolly today xx

[Threemoons]

Sorry your sister doesn't understand. Huge hugs to you, dear Dolly.

[delusionaldolly]

Thanks mate, hugs back xx