Yep Nope - Hard Crash With No Hope In Sight ((Might Trigger))

[DorianK]

things have progressively gone downhill for a little while now

I grin and "fake it 'til I make it" like I was told to do at the hospital about two years ago

but the more I "fake it", the more cynical I get and the more spiteful I feel towards people.

I'm unemployed and have been for several years. I've handed out resumes and talked to people, telling them that I need a place to start, even at the bottom. Anything that I can do to start myself back in the workforce. Nothing.

I fucking hate the age that I'm at. I'm old. I'm useless. I offer nothing or contribute nothing to my society.

I feel stressed about that, and severe separation anxiety with my friends going away from me. I seclude myself inside my house and I don't like heading out.

I have this fucking tattoo on my arm that says "No More", but it's nothing more than a lie. I can't help but give into the strange comfortability of these harsh and shit emotions.

I keep looking at my boots, thinking that my girlfriend is better off without my old, lazy ass.

And that my friends won't miss my complaining and bitching once I'm gone.

I'm dead weight and I don't have much hope left.

[Pickle59]

((((DorianK))))....I wanted you to know that I hear you.........Please don't 'give in' to the weird comfort we get from harsh and shit emotions........Please.xxx It will take a bit of effort, because I know and understand how all consuming they can be..........Can you try and lift your head high today and look at the ceiling, the sky, the birds, the clouds, the sun (if it's there), and change your boots, put on some sandals, walk barefoot, connect with the ground..............breathe deeply, cry if you need, but let these feelings out and fill yourself, just for today with other sensations and possibilities..........maybe only for 5 mins here or there.xxx Maybe drink lots of water too..............All these things you will not want to do probably, but different small steps, small different actions can help to bring about a change of mood................... Hope your mood will lift soon.xxx

[Threemoons]

Hi DorianK. I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Could you be gentle to yourself and do something you could enjoy? Even small steps like having a good meal or watching your favorite movie? Hold on there, dear. I send you lots of nice hugs. Take care.

[starryeyesee]

Hi Dorian K

I'm sorry you feel this way

I don't know if anyone has ever said this to you but you are very eloquent and you express yourself really well in your writing.

Have you ever looked into starting a blog?It might help you and other people as well. Either here or on wordpress.

I really hope your mood lifts soon,as pickle suggested look at the sky, go barefoot.

pm me anytime you want a chat

starry x

[DorianK]

I feel ugly

I feel like slicing up my face, because I feel so hideous

at first, it was just a thought to shave off my goatee. but I hate the way I look without it, so the thought of just carving up my face popped into my head

it's a new thought, and it feels both a comforting thought and a frightening one.

this is a new development, and I'm not sure how to take it.

@starry1 - thanks. I've been told that I'm articulate and eloquent. I've started blogs, stopped them, I've written my feelings down (I've even put some of those "poems" and writings up in these forums), but it doesn't seem to do much now-a-days

@pickle59 and Threemoons - I could look up, but it does nothing. it's hot and humid here (30 degrees Celsius, 40 with a humidity warning) and threatening rain.

I'm also tired of crying all the goddamn time. Even when I feel good, I cry at the drop of a hat, and I'm sick of it.

I'm sick and tired of going through this every couple of months or so. It gets boring, tiring and I don't know how much longer I can do this.

I try so hard to keep it together, just to let the emotions wash over me and accept them and move on.

but they are too strong

and I'm too weak

~~~

Incidentally - and this might be triggering - when I say that I'm putting boots on or I want to go for a walk, that's my "plan". Just to walk. maybe into oncoming traffic, maybe into the nearby rapids. either way, I'd just walk mindlessly without a care as to where I'm going, or how I get there.

[starryeyesee]

Is there anyone you can talk to in real life?

I think you need somz extra support if you are having feelings like this

keep posting I am listening

xxx

[Pickle59]

((((DorianK))))).......... .............Is there someone you can make an appointment to see in real life? It really does sound like you need some extra special tlc and additional help to help you get through this really dark time.xxx

Listening too, if it will help.............

[DorianK]

yeah, can't take too much more of this.

now I'm just head-achy and ready to give up.

seriously: how long can one "fake it" until one "makes it"?

I've been doing this for months.

and to answer questions: I've been to therapists and I've tried to work with them. but they just let me talk without reciprocating. sure, I understand that talking is a big deal, but communication is key, and for that to happen, they need to pipe in with their two-cent's worth, of which they have not yet done.

which then leads me to stop going to them.

on top of everything, my perception of self-worth is diminishing. I'm not important to anyone. oh, sure, my girlfriend will say that I matter to her ... but no one else will say it, and not without goading.

how much longer until I toss my arms up in the air and exclaim that I give up.

how many words can I string together to express my frustration and anger towards myself before I slip and let the demons take control.

how many more times can i keep falling like i've done until that black hole envelopes me, until my wall is so high and so thickly built that I won't be able to break it down.

[DorianK]

so I've come to a stark realization

I'm holding people back.

I get better, then I get worse, and I have people worry about me.

and it hurts me to the core to see what I do to my friends

that pain makes me feel worse

no matter how many times I try to get better, taking the steps to get into a comfortable place, and I go up, but I always fall.

and when I fall, I manage to take people with me.

their emotions are tossed out of whack

their minds are fraught with worry and concern

and it hurts

it's not my pain or my loneliness or my emotions that hurt me,

it's the pain that I see on their faces, or hear in their voices, or read in their words

that's the pain that makes me want to just ...

I can continue to harm myself through whatever means.

I don't cut or physically damage myself.

I punish myself mentally, leaving deeper scars in my psyche than I ever could with any blade in my arm

(not to say that my pain is greater than anyone else's ... this is how I feel)

but to see those around me stumble because of my rocks and hurdles

it hurts me more

and it's because of that ...

[Threemoons]

I'm listening to you, DorianK. Write as much as you need. We are there with you.

[DorianK]

probably the last I'll post. things haven't gotten better. haven't gotten worse, but nothing's been better.

I wrote this last night (or this morning, I can't remember). I call it "If I were to, say, ...".

Possible trigger

If I were to, say, "disappear", would anyone really miss me? Let's be honest; I'm just another blog in a billion.

If I were to, say, “press the reset button” (re: end it all myself), what would happen to my blog? Would there be an outpouring of grief?
If I were to, say, put my boots on and walk out, right now, leaving nothing behind but a farewell note, how long would it take for people to recover?
If I were to, say, explain that I can’t keep hurting people the way I do, would people understand?

[Pickle59]

(((DorianK)))........I'm hearing you, but I don't want to hurt you, or drive you into even deeper despair because you will pick up on my worrying and concern about you.xx What can I say to help..............? maybe nothing but I think I do understand a little of where you are at and its shit...........please excuse the language...........Funnily enough ''fake it to make it'' was my signature when I first came here, and i'd used the analogy of it for years to get by, but get by with it happens no more.........there is only so much faking you can do without making it, so I understand where your'e coming from here..........in the end, its a good old adage, but it stops working........re therapy youve had.........I'm with you there too............sounds like it hasn't been the right type of therapy.........you need interactive counselling/therapy............I had what you described...........talking and talking and talking and nothing coming back...........and what good does that do................not a lot, in my case, but someone to interact with works much better..........could you please try and find a different type of therapist..........not all therapy is as you have experienced...........I'm not gonna write too much more now, cos I know you are there and want you to know I'm listening.........and maybe you can come back on a few things............Is there anything that has especially triggered these feelings you are having right now...........I would care deeply if you disappeared, I would notice your absence, as I'm sure many would, but where you are at right now, I can hear that you think not, but I do believe deep down that you are wrong about this...........but your depression at mo is so deep you cant feel it, believe it, or see it..............Who is there that you could contact about how you are right now in RL who could help..........There will be someone if you think think think...........still listening but gonna stop waffling on.............

P.S ((((((DorianK))))))........00:51...........I have to go to bed now. Thinkings & wanted you to know have been listening on the air, its just that I have to get some shut eye now, and I'm not deserting you.xxx

[DorianK]

starry, pickle, threemoons

thanks for listening. there's not much left to be done, really.

the rest is up to me

but thanks for just ... offering suggestions or letting me carry on like an ass

((btw, foul language doesn't offend me))

re: pickle, I know it's late there. you need to take care of you.

[DorianK]

i am admitting myself into hospital

i am not safe by myself

thank you for everyone who helped me through this

[Threemoons]

Okay, take care of yourself DorianK because there's people caring for you. You would be missed if you'd disappear.

[Pickle59]

((((((DorianK))))).xxx Hospital sounds at the moment a very safe and good place for you to be right now, and all credit to you for knowing that you need this help right now.xxx Take care you.xxx

[DorianK]

Out on day pass. I don't have much time. Just wanted to give a heads-up.

Doing better, although I'm still having a rough time. At least I'm in a positive environment.

I'm still around (in a matter of speaking), and thank you all for your well-wishes and good thoughts.

[Threemoons]

Happy that you are in a positive environment. Take good care of yourself. Many hugs to you.

[pepsimeg]

Hey dorian i dint see this at the time

glad to hear u r doing better than before and so glad u asked for help

best of luck xxx