razoromero Posted July 1, 2013 Report Share Posted July 1, 2013 Hi to everyone. I'm here to hopefully learn more about BPD and develop coping strategies for dealing with my wife's rages and emotional turmoil! I'm 45 and my wife is 35. She has been diagnosed for three or four years now. It's hard. Very hard. Help!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Endoftheroad Posted July 1, 2013 Report Share Posted July 1, 2013 Great place to start is the BPD wiki page. Constantly reassure her. Tell her you understand. Don't judge her. Never, ever tell her to pull herself together. Or to stop feeling sorry for herself. Hug her, often and tell her everything will be ok. Especially when she's in a rage. When she's calm try to discourage her from using the words always and never - they are quite destructive to us, to our black and white thinking. Hope this helps :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mentaldesign Posted July 2, 2013 Report Share Posted July 2, 2013 Can you talk to her doctors? x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Threemoons Posted July 2, 2013 Report Share Posted July 2, 2013 Hi and welcome on the forums. I hope you find support here. There's lot of members with a diagnosis of BPD. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
razoromero Posted July 3, 2013 Author Report Share Posted July 3, 2013 Hello! I have read some info and theoretically it sounds fine but putting it into practice once she's been triggered is quite something else. I love her to bits but I hate her BPD. She hates it too. I wish there was one thing I could do to calm her down. Like a special word or action that would break through the rage and upset to help her stop what she's doing. BPD can be very destructive and it puts an enormous strain on our relationship. It's not good for the kids either! Has anyone got any ideas for breaking the downward spiral once it starts? How can I calm her down gently? Thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mentaldesign Posted July 3, 2013 Report Share Posted July 3, 2013 I think it is important to catch it early. I know I can blow up, but through therapy I have learnt that it isn't as sudden as it might seem. I can go for days feeling tired or teary and it is during that time that prevention can happen. If I can get more rest or talk about my feelings, a couple of hours of quiet time, talking about stress etc. Do you see a pattern in your wifes mood or rages? x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
razoromero Posted July 3, 2013 Author Report Share Posted July 3, 2013 The one thing common to all her BPD blow outs is that one way or another, it's all my fault! I said the wrong thing, I didn't say the right thing, I used an inappropriate tone of voice, or any variation on those kinds of things! I then become her punchbag (sometimes literally) and the gates of Hell open up and my beautiful, wonderful wife transforms into a demonic witch. It can be very exhausting for both of us, I guess I've spent a long time in denial, thinking she should be able to just pull herself together and snap out of it but I have to finally agree that she simply cannot do that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mentaldesign Posted July 3, 2013 Report Share Posted July 3, 2013 BPD isn't an excuse to hurt anyone. I think you need to be clearer about what you expect aswell. x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ber Posted July 4, 2013 Report Share Posted July 4, 2013 BPD can be difficult to live with, rules need to be established. Never lash back, never try to discuss things when she may be in a rage, Don't try to figure out where she is at the moment, or how she thinks. Don't judge, support only. Agree to talk about the issue when she has calmed. Never argue, it is a losing thing from the start. Go for a walk if she is showing anger, but tell her you are going for a walk, that you will be back. Abandonment issues are strong concerns. She has to know though, part of the rules are that you are not a punching bag. No needs to be used. Be loving though, go out of your way to show this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mentaldesign Posted July 4, 2013 Report Share Posted July 4, 2013 The rules part is probably the most important actually, good advice ^. x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Endoftheroad Posted July 4, 2013 Report Share Posted July 4, 2013 I disagree. Love conquers all. If you show her you love her unconditionally, all the time, she will melt eventually and trust you completely. But that's a lot easier said than done. She no doubt tests you in all kinds of ways, maybe asks about past relationships or if you think people are attractive. Such behaviour has a dual purpose, to torture herself and to seek reassurance from you. My advice is to brush aside such questions with an airy "You're the only one for me". Abandonment and rejection lie at the core of BPD, she's constantly on the lookout for signs of it happening, to protect herself. The rules stuff is fine in practise, but in reality it's another story. There are no rules during meltdown, she can't control her emotions, that's the point. Just be there for her and let her know you love her, or even better, worship her. I know that's what I want (from a woman, not you :P Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Data Posted July 5, 2013 Report Share Posted July 5, 2013 . I love her to bits but I hate her BPD. She hates it too. The reason why its called borderline personality disorder is because BPD is a part of the sufferer. The disorder is a way of describing a dysfunctional type of person. The BPD is a part of your wife. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
razoromero Posted July 20, 2013 Author Report Share Posted July 20, 2013 Hi all and thanks for all the advice. There's been some bad, very bad shit happening lately. Two weeks ago she flew into a terrible rage and battered me. Cuts and bruises and pain. Our 7yr old son witnessed it all- he was traumatised. She even hit me whilst I was carrying our four week old son in his car-seat. The chaos was so loud, the screaming and shouting, that next door called the police. She was handcuffed and arrested for assault. It was horrific, mentally and emotionally draining for all of us. They let her out after a few hours with a caution and she spent the night at her mum's. This is so hard. I want to leave but I want to stay. I love her and hate her. She has an appointment with her shrink on August 1st to get her back on medication. She's been off it whilst pregnant and breast feeding you see? Hopefully her shrink will know what to do... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Endoftheroad Posted July 20, 2013 Report Share Posted July 20, 2013 Damn sorry to hear this. I went through this exact same scenario, for 16 years with the mother of my kids. Do not do what I eventually did. The police never did anything to her, in fact they made me leave my own house a couple of times, and one actually told me to hit her back! After we split 3 years ago, she left our sick son home alone to go out drinking with her girlfriend (yes, in that sense, she left me for this woman). He called me in tears, I went round to sit with him, she came home drunk, abusive and, to my shame, I hit her, once. Result was I now have a criminal record and can't get a job. She has issues herself, but not BPD, in fact she has no time for anyone with MH issues (ironic really, but she's in total denial about so many things, including her sexuality). I can't be that bad as I'm sat in the same room as her while I type this, and see her most days - our relationship has improved a lot now we don't have the pressure of being in a relationship. Back to you though, August 1st must seem a long way off. Where is her anger coming from? Tracey's stemmed from being abandoned by her dad, who refuses to have anything to do with her to this day. That causes her to drink (she's an alcoholic), and she's had a history of abusive relationships (she could start a fight in an empty house, unlike me who's never had an abusive relationship before or since). Not heard of Post Natal Depression making people psychotic, but that may be playing a part too. Tracey has been raped while paralytic and miscarried twins a couple of years before we split; I'm guessing your wife has similarly had plenty of issues in her life causing her anger. She may get better, she may not, it depends on whether she really wants to. You can be the greatest support in the world, but if she's a denier it won't make any difference, trust me. And don't whatever you do retaliate, let my story be a warning. One piece of advice though, if she attacks you just walk away, and if she follows you just get out of the house and go somewhere. Don't let yourself be a victim. In a way it's good the police were involved, it offers you protection, as she'll know if she does it again she could go to court, so hopefully that will make her think twice. I wish you luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lexdance Posted July 20, 2013 Report Share Posted July 20, 2013 Have to protect your children Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
razoromero Posted July 27, 2013 Author Report Share Posted July 27, 2013 Hello again. I always manage to do something that pushes her buttons. I don't even know I'm doing it! God, I'm so bloody miserable. Thanks for replying though. Our 7 yr old son has had enough too. We've spoken at length about the problems we face, he thinks it would be a good idea for me to move out. He would come stay with me sometimes, I'd come to see him whenever I like and mum & dad wouldn't have to argue any more. It's all so sad, hearing him say these things. I'm looking at flats to rent. What a life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Endoftheroad Posted July 27, 2013 Report Share Posted July 27, 2013 Well I obviously made the huge mistake of staying for so long for the sake of the kids, it doesn't work. Unfortunately that's not to say they were or are happier now I've gone. She's still as dysfunctional as ever, and I don't like going round there and feel very much a part time dad now. I did all I could to make it work, but both people need to. So sorry you're facing this, but sounds like it's the right thing for now. Good luck, and shows what a decent guy you are coming on here to find out about it, when she herself hasn't. Sounds like she's in denial :( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted July 28, 2013 Report Share Posted July 28, 2013 Hi. So sorry your going through this right now. There is lots of supportive people on here so you have come to the right place. hope you like it here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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