artemis84 Posted July 2, 2013 Report Share Posted July 2, 2013 Why am I so f****** useless? I just cried on the physio - burst into tears in front of him. I don't do public crying, I barely do crying at all. I hate myself. I am not good enough, at anything. I need to try harder, at everything. But I already try so, so hard. All the time. If not, I would still be in hospital, not back in the real world, working, 'functionning'. I cried at the physio because he told me I am useless. I know he didn't use those words but thats what he meant. If I wasn't useless and pathetic, I wouldn't have had back pain for the last 5 months. Or if I had it, I wouldn't have complained about it or sought treatment because I would have been strong enough to grin and bear it. If I wasn't useless and pathetic I wouldn't feel so alone and desperate about not having any mh support now. I wouldn't have been so upset last week when my GP didn't remember that he'd offered to help me at my last appointment and then not known who I was when I showed up asking for it. If I wasn't useless and pathetic I wouldn't have mh issues or low self esteem in the first place because I would just be able to pull myself together. If I wasn't useless and pathetic I would have a relationship with someone who cared about me. Who loved me. If I wasn't useless and pathetic I wouldn't cling to anyone in any kind of caring role, desperate that they help me. I wouldn't feel so abandoned by everyone because someone would be there of their own free will. I wouldn't have cried earlier or be so distraught now. I hate it all. I am a complete waste of space. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pepsimeg Posted July 2, 2013 Report Share Posted July 2, 2013 I hear you and just want to say i dont think u r useless sounds like u r going thru a difficult time ((((artemis))))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Endoftheroad Posted July 2, 2013 Report Share Posted July 2, 2013 You're not useless at all, and tell that dark voice to wind it's bloody neck in! You're a beautiful, fragile person arty, don't listen to anything that tells you otherwise! Be strong, I know it's hard and I don't listen when people tell me to do the same, but please try xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Everycloud Posted July 2, 2013 Report Share Posted July 2, 2013 Sorry you are feeling like this. Love your username tho - great choice love greek mythology Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Threemoons Posted July 2, 2013 Report Share Posted July 2, 2013 Hi Artemis. I don't think at all you're useless, probably your dark voices tell it to you because you're so embarrassed to have cried earlier. Back pains can be pretty awful, I bet it weight on your mind too. Please try to accept that you had a break in front of the physio and that's all, it can happen to anyone, even the strongest of us cry sometimes. Now do something nice to yourself. I hug you tight, dear. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
artemis84 Posted July 2, 2013 Author Report Share Posted July 2, 2013 Thank you so much everyone who has replied. I just feel like such a failure at everything and I truly do hate myself for being so crap; for all of the reasons listed above. Someone told me recently that I have 'come so far' but what is the point in getting anywhere if I still feel like this about myself and about life? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Everycloud Posted July 2, 2013 Report Share Posted July 2, 2013 I often feel like this and I think it is a case of just plodding on. Hopefully one day there will be something around the corner. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted July 2, 2013 Report Share Posted July 2, 2013 your not a waste of space you simply human - with the whole assortment of shit that brings xxxxxxxx (that is not to dismiss the pain you are in - which is very real and hurts so very much) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eagleheart Posted July 3, 2013 Report Share Posted July 3, 2013 (((Artemis))) If you didn't have all the difficult issues you deal with day in,day out,you would be rubbish at empathising and making me feel that maybe life is NOT completely hopeless. I am blessed to know you just the way you are.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Threemoons Posted July 3, 2013 Report Share Posted July 3, 2013 Someone told me recently that I have 'come so far' but what is the point in getting anywhere if I still feel like this about myself and about life? Well, I guess it's a matter of one step plus one step plus one step... You can't see where you're going from now but step after step you'll come to a more comfortable place in life. Anyway, this someone must be very proud of you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
artemis84 Posted July 3, 2013 Author Report Share Posted July 3, 2013 I am so grateful for all your kind words, they mean so much. Eagleheart, I think that is the most lovely thing anyone has ever said to me and Endoftheroad your comment was so kind, I was really touched. I don't know why things are affecting me so much at the moment. I feel so tearful again today. I suppose it is only to be expected, given my EUPD(!), but I also think the effects of being left alone without any services to cope for the past 5 months are finally beginning to take their toll. The bad news is, I am expected to complete another 4 months of it before I can get re-refered for my promised therapy. Sometimes I can see that I am doing well to get 'so far' on my journey through life but much of the time it just feels like an endless trial. Threemoons, I hadn't thought about the person who made the comment being proud of me. I know everyone probably wishes they were a better person to some degree but having a chronic feeling of self loathing combined with the intense emotional and attachment issues of bpd makes it so cruel for us. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
delusionaldolly Posted August 15, 2013 Report Share Posted August 15, 2013 If I wasn't useless and pathetic I wouldn't have mh issues or low self esteem in the first place because I would just be able to pull myself together. Now I think we all know that this is not true. This sounds like it comes from someone who doesnt understand MH, and that's not you. Is this an echo of something you've been told? Read my post about love. Without you in the world, you tiny cog of humanity you, you little bright star in the ether you, you friend to many of us here you, there would be less love. I love you buddy, and you are so far from being a waste of space, you fill this forum with kind words and compassion and the reality of human nature. You are amazing, and don't you forget it!! Dolly xx PS Sorry im late catching up! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
artemis84 Posted August 15, 2013 Author Report Share Posted August 15, 2013 Thank you Dolly, you are so kind to say all that. I'm going to remember your post and come back to it in the future, it means so much And as for it being an echo of something I've been told, I guess you are right. It may not have been said that explicitly but it is an attitude I was brought up with. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elke Posted August 18, 2013 Report Share Posted August 18, 2013 artemist84 you agreed with him, and put yourself down and broke down. I do this too much also and it is a mistake. When I was in hosi there was a girl who was constantly criticizing me, and one day she said "Dont be so boring!" And I blew. I got angry and said "I AM NOT BORING, YOU ARE THE ONE WHO IS BORING!!!" She was already on another ward, The next day I found out she packed her things that evening and let herself be discharged. I let her get me down with all her comments - and then I turned the tables around and she was gone. Maybe it wasn´t only because someone finally gave her a piece of her own medicine, maybe so. xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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