gandalftheginge Posted July 17, 2013 Report Share Posted July 17, 2013 I had a counselling assessment today and I think it was pretty productive. This is something that I found really difficult to talk about but wanted to share. Okay, I have something pretty big I want to get off my chest, I don't want to upset anyone and some feedback would be great. I've suffered with depression, anxiety and ocd since I was fifteen. I went to a young persons mental health ward back when it started to receive CBT. I remember seeing the inpatient unit and wanted to be part of it, part of that community. I still do and always have. I still want my problems to worsen so I could be part of that. Partly, I think it's just so that people would take me more seriously, but mostly I think I want to take MYSELF more seriously. I hate feeling pathetic and shit, just a sad worrier. I'm fed up of it, but thinking like this makes me feel like I'm insensitive to those with more severe illnesses. I feel so pathetic and crazy. Thanks for reading. Ash Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Riverspell Posted July 18, 2013 Report Share Posted July 18, 2013 I've been in inpatient wards 7 times in the last two years. So I can say that they're not as grand as they seem to look. Some places are ok and others not so much. And they don't always take you seriously there. Every time I've been stuck in them I face ridicule and being told I do this for attention. It takes time to get them to understand I don't do this for shits and giggles. BUT That utterly depends on the person and the situation. Sometimes it's far more obvious with some people that they do need help and that's all they want. It's not a bad thing that you want to be part of that community but don't make yourself worse just so you can be there. Some holes you dig are harder to get out of than others. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pickle59 Posted July 18, 2013 Report Share Posted July 18, 2013 ((((Gandalftheginge)))) It's lovely to see you back and thank you for sharing this with us.xxxxxxxx......There is absolutely nothing wrong at all in wanting to feel like you belong somewhere, somewhere where you think you would fit in and everyone would understand each other, but more importantly here, I think you feeling understood.xxxx There is no shame in this, and I can totally understand where you are coming from, cos when things are not quite bad enough, or more to the point, we are very high functioning even with depression, anxiety and OCD we can feel really on the outside of things.xxx There will always be people who suffer hugely and it is obvious, but there are others of us, and I include myself here, who suffer hugely too, but we seem to hide it in such a way that people don't think we are suffering!!!!.........You are much loved and very much part of this community, (((GTG))), please remember that too, wont you?.......... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
artemis84 Posted July 18, 2013 Report Share Posted July 18, 2013 Hi Ash, firstly it's good to hear from you Secondly, I really get what you're saying and I don't think you're alone in your thought processes. I was admitted to an inpatient unit 4 years ago and spent 3 and a half months in there. When I arrived I was adamant that I didn't need to be there and that I had nothing in common with my fellow patients. However, by the time I was discharged to day patient status I was petrified that once I was no longer an inpatient, everyone would see me as 'better' and 'normal' and that they didn't understand how sick and in need of help I still was. Being part of the resident community felt safe and secure and like I was part of something. Anyway, life went on and I went through several levels of decreasing support as I worked really hard towards my recovery. However, ever since, I have yearned for the inpatient care again. I have seen several of my fellow patients re-admitted and offered increasing levels of support over the past few years whilst I was always in the step-down category. In fact, I am the only one of my peers to have made it so far back towards 'normality'. I should be proud of that but honestly (and like you, this is a major thing to admit for me) I am jealous. To me it seems like they must be more important than me to keep getting higher levels of support whilst I get less and less. It would be fine if I felt cured and 'normal' but each and every day I am fighting against my issues just as hard as ever. The difference is, I am trying to get better and other people are just stuck where they are in continual care. I am not saying that all people in inpatient units don't deserve to be there and that none of them are trying to help themselves as best they can - not at all - and like you, I struggle with feeling this way because it makes me sound pathetic and insensitive. It is complicated to explain and I have never admitted this stuff to anyone before because I know they'll take me the wrong way and misunderstand but inside I truly feel that people aren't taking me as seriously as they would if I had more help. It is particularly hard to bear at the moment because I am in a period of enforced 'no support' to prove that I am strong enough for more therapy in the future but I know that when I go back and ask for that therapy they will just say 'well you've managed for 9 months on your own, you're not sick enough to need any more help, goodbye.' I don't know if any of this makes sense to you or if I'm just wittering on. It's so hard to put my feelings into words and I'm really hoping people won't get the wrong end of the stick reading it all. I just want to make it clear that I am not saying I want to be really sick forever and nor am I saying that everyone in more intense treatment is attention seeking. I am only too aware that you need to be careful what you wish for and I'm not wishing to get more ill so people will take me more seriously but it is an issue I struggle with. Plus, it's not just that others would take me more seriously but also that I would feel more justified in my yearning for support and not so pathetic and feeble and left thinking that I just can't deal with normal life. I think apparent competency can leave a lot of people feeling isolated, alone and misunderstood. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
artemis84 Posted July 19, 2013 Report Share Posted July 19, 2013 Hey Ash, How are you doing? Hope you're ok. I'm sorry for going on in my above post. I've been thinking about it a lot since I wrote it and now I feel like maybe I shouldn't have said anything. I'm worried that I've irritated you and also that other people have read my post and now think badly of me too. I hoped that maybe I could offer you some comfort by explaining about my thoughts but I'm sorry if I've just made things worse and I'm sorry to anyone else who my messed up thoughts might have upset. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gandalftheginge Posted July 19, 2013 Author Report Share Posted July 19, 2013 Hey all, first of all, thank you all so much for replying, it really means so much for me. You've all been so kind and given great advice, I just hope I can be as good in return. I've been lurking around for a while, and am finding it very difficult to post and get involved. This has made me feel extremely guilty, but I'm so happy that you've welcomed me back. Thanks for the advice, it's all an awful lot to take in and needs a great deal of thinking. During my recent assessment, my counselor believed most of my problems stem from very low self esteem/worth and that I have a very strong habit of comparing myself to others, which causes so many problems for me. I'll try and think more on this and consider all you've said very carefully. I hope you are all doing well. Sorry I couldn't have made a better reply and sorry I couldn't help you all when you needed it. Also, Artemis, please don't apolgise one bit! I can't thank you enough for the support and you've done nothing wrong at all, thank you for the truth. Take care, Ash Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.