skp67 Posted August 16, 2013 Report Share Posted August 16, 2013 Every time i look at a plate of food my brain says its poison, and it will kill me. People say they are envious of my body. I look in a mirror and see a fat ugly blob of a person, so why would anyone want to look like me????? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barebones Posted August 16, 2013 Report Share Posted August 16, 2013 As u know ur brain is telling you diffrent to what you see. Hope u have some help with this hun xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Threemoons Posted August 16, 2013 Report Share Posted August 16, 2013 Scally, this is because you don't see your body as it truly is. You're not a fat blob, dear. I'm sorry you have such a hard time when it comes to food. Take good care of yourself. Safe hugs for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
artemis84 Posted August 16, 2013 Report Share Posted August 16, 2013 This is a common thought / fear in people with eating disorders. Try and raise it with someone if you can, you sound like you could do with some decent support with things. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skp67 Posted August 19, 2013 Author Report Share Posted August 19, 2013 I raised it with my cpn and she said its down to me i either eat or dont, she isnt bothered. Personally i think she wants rid of me because all i seem to attract is trouble. I have been fighting anorexia since my teens and oh my god its back with a vengence now. I keep fainting, going wobbly, everything turns black when i stand. Its horrible and there is nothing i can do about it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Becca95 Posted August 19, 2013 Report Share Posted August 19, 2013 I'm scared of food because of anxiety. Not the same as you but I still know what it's like to sit in front of food and not want to eat it at all. I'm sure you're not a fat blob, most anorexics suffer with this, I do. I hate feeling and looking fat but you need to remember that how you see yourself isn't really you. Your symptoms sound quite worrying, especially the fainting, I think you need to get yourself checked out because that's not good at all. I know what you mean when everything goes black when you stand up though. It's our bodies telling us it's struggling.. Is there anyone at all you can see about your symptoms? This is serious Scally. I really hope you cab get some help and you start to make progress but I sympathise with you. Big hugs and please keep us posted! :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
artemis84 Posted August 19, 2013 Report Share Posted August 19, 2013 Well, that wasn't very supportive of her (your cpn)! It is hard though, I think she probably is bothered (or else she took a very odd career path) but ultimately what she said is right, it is your choice - no-one can make you eat but yourself. I know that sounds insensitive and harsh but it is true and from experience anorexics can be very good at avoiding the truth. Its horrible and there is nothing i can do about it. I'm a bit worried that you say that - there is everything you can do about it, you just have to make the decision to fight. I 'm not saying all of this to upset you - I know how hard it is to hear, I have been there. However, you need to have this realisation to make things happen. I am sorry that your cpn seems so unhelpful - you are going to need support with this and it is a shame if you can't get that from her. However, maybe if you tell her how committed you are to moving forward next time you see her, she will be able to see how determined you are and offer to help more. It is hard for professionals to deal with people who seem ambivalent towards recovery. That doesn't excuse her attitude but it might help explain it. Like I said, I hope you don't think I'm trying to get at you - I'm not at all, I just don't want you to believe that there is nothing you can do for yourself and that the future is inevitably going to be bleak. Hope you can understand that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skp67 Posted August 26, 2013 Author Report Share Posted August 26, 2013 Thanks for your replies, i had my meeting with my cpn and police segeant also my husband was there last Tuesday. We spoke about how things had become so bad, but agin they reitterated that there is nothing they can do, even if i went to an eating disorder unit she said they would only say the same things. They want me to start eating 2 meals a day and only do 250 sit up's a day, are they having a laugh. I look at food and it looks like worms wriggling around so why would i want that in my mouth, and as for the sit ups that out of the question i need to do at least a 1000 otherwise my brain says i am getting fatter. Think i will be in big trouble next month at our meeting as i havent done any of which they asked. I did see my gp/nurse on Friday as i was feeling so faint and my bp was 84/55 and blood sugars were 3.5 that night i had to go to a&e because i kept fainting, they ran 3 bags of fluid through by then my bp was 67/50 and they wanted it to be at least 100 before they let me leave so 3 bags later it had raised to 88 so i begged to go home especially as it was almost midnight. In the end a lovely lady doctor said if i could stand without wobbling or going black then yes i could go home, so home is where i went. Today been for a nice walk with the dogs and going on a bike ride later. Scally x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Threemoons Posted August 27, 2013 Report Share Posted August 27, 2013 I'm happy that A&E could do something for your blood pressure, you had it a bit low. Do you feel less faint now? Caring for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skp67 Posted August 27, 2013 Author Report Share Posted August 27, 2013 Thanks Threemoons i still am having a hard time especially since my other me came out telling me i was a fat ugly bitch. Today is my husbands birthday and also my parents wedding anniversary and they have booked a table for 6 of us at a really nice pub, i don't know how i am going to get round the food issue yet, i will order just a plain salad and see what happens. Yesterday was brilliant as my other me came out when we were out on a bike ride and she really reaaly does things to extreme so we ended up cycling 30 miles by the time we got home my husband had had it but i / other me was ready for more so i ended up doing an extra 1000 sit ups. Scally keeping it yellow xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted August 28, 2013 Report Share Posted August 28, 2013 please be careful sweets. Xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Becca95 Posted August 28, 2013 Report Share Posted August 28, 2013 I'm really worried about you, your situation sounds very scary! I'm so sorry your other you, the voice, is being so horrible to you. You're not what it tells you you are, that's a big problem with this illness. I wish people would help you more, make you see that the voice in your head is clouding your thoughts and makes you think bad things. I really hope you try and do what they say, massive hugs! xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skp67 Posted August 28, 2013 Author Report Share Posted August 28, 2013 Well again she came out and i ended up cycling again, i know it was her making me do it as I the real me wears a helmet and is cautious. She on the other hand doesnt care. I rang the crisis line asking if they could get my cpn to phone me, that never happened. So tonight i called again and the lady said my cpn had tried ringing but got no answer...... i had no missed calls or voice mails on my phone which makes me think she didnt really. I'm sure they are out to trap me and end up with me on an asbo or in prison. I don't know whats real anymore, i woke up this morning with my hands round my throat as if i was trying to strangle myself, my husband said i was having an argument in my sleep so that was probably connected. Scally fading to white Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Threemoons Posted August 29, 2013 Report Share Posted August 29, 2013 Hold on Scally, we are all with you, my dear. Massive warm hugs to you, my lovely. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skp67 Posted August 30, 2013 Author Report Share Posted August 30, 2013 Just this minute come back from Gp's and i have lost another 3lbs, my blood pressure was 84/60. I know i am getting more stressed as my sister, her husband and 2 children are coming to live with us for a year, to feakin long for me. They are in a rented house and now the landlord wants it back, they have too many debts to be able to get a mortgage but what i dont get if they know that then why the hell can't they rent somewhere else. I feel i have been rail roaded in to this. I can see myself hidden from everyone once they are here, my hubby will be back at sea then so i'll be on my own. My OCD is bad enough without them coming with belongings that are going to be in my view, i have to have things just so. Scally Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skp67 Posted September 3, 2013 Author Report Share Posted September 3, 2013 I love my bike i cycle at least 10 miles a day and do 2000 sit ups, i drink my flavoured water but still cant eat. Its a nightmare. My hunger pangs are non existent which is good, but on a bad thing is i have increased my dosage of laxatives. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Threemoons Posted September 4, 2013 Report Share Posted September 4, 2013 I truly worry for you dear Scally, all these are marks of the disease. Please take care of yourself. Hugs and love. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skp67 Posted September 6, 2013 Author Report Share Posted September 6, 2013 Thank you Today i went to work, its only an hour then went straight off on my bike through the rain, normally i dont like getting wet but i am seeing the difference each time i stand on a set of scales which pleases me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mr potato Posted September 14, 2013 Report Share Posted September 14, 2013 Every time i look at a plate of food my brain says its poison, and it will kill me. People say they are envious of my body. I look in a mirror and see a fat ugly blob of a person, so why would anyone want to look like me????? Food is necessary and gives us health. I would care less about ugliness etc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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