Therapy Expectaions?

[notcoping]

Hi all you lovely people :-)

Just wondered if others struggle with 'therapy expectations' etc too? I am really finding it hard at present to not expect too much from a new therapy (like I always have) but having enough 'hope' to be prepared to 'risk' and take on the difficult 'challenge' of doing this and be motivated and positive about it etc.

I want and need to hope, but guess I now realise that things are not going to miraculously get better and be ok, and I need to readjust my expectations accordingly without making me feel so hopeless that I give up trying etc.

Would love to hear of your thoughts around therapy expectations and what is best to do.

Thanks

nc xXx

[Kitsune]

I always found (and sometimes still do) that I have huge expectations for therapy and get demoralised if I don't get the change I expect or it isn't quick enough, there have been times I've not even started a therapy because they've told me it'll take a long time etc- which means that I spent ages seeking out all sorts of insane therapies and never applying any of them fully or giving them a chance before moving on, which meant I delayed actually getting any help.

Even in therapy now I have taken a year to get to actually doing work because i've been shying away from taking any risks or leaps of faith and contacting difficult emotions, essentially giving in to fear, and have even at times thought about stopping therapy as it 'isn't working' and started looking for a new therapist.

Really, you get what you give with therapy, if you put the work in it means you will get change eventually and you will learn that it may not be the change you wanted but your expectations may change. It's a good idea to have therapy goals and discuss these with your therapist so that you are both on the same page and so that they can advise you on whether your goals are achievable or if they need a reality check- that in and of itself is a mini learning experience.

The thing is that very few things in this world come easily, freely or without some kind of sacrifice (even if it's sacrificing old familiar patterns for the risk of the untested new patterns) but that's something you'll learn during the process and as long as you apply yourself you will get change.

Hang in there, you sound like you're aware of when you have unrealistic expectations which is good. You will get change and improvement, you just need to apply yourself and give the therapy a chance, perfectionism and skewed ways of thinking may well be challenged and changed in the therapy, your expectations may change. This is an exciting time for you, and being scared and wanting to bail and wanting to know for sure something will yield fantastic results is normal before starting something- apply yourself, take a little risk now and again and you will see.

You can do it. *big hugs* xx

[notcoping]

Hi Kitsune

Thanks for your reply. In the past I too have had exceptionally high expectations of therapy and always been disappointed when I haven't achieved the progress I needed/wanted to - thinking sometimes it was 'my fault' etc - although have had 'bad' experiences of therapy too in the past.

It probably sounds odd but I feel that I would work at a better pace and not feel so pressurised if longer therapy had been offered as there wouldn't be the need to 'rush' everything and fit everything into a small space of time and it stopping before I am ready. I have a day therapeutic community that I will start in January, 3 days a week, for a year. This is the longest therapy I will have ever had but it is all group based - no individual therapy or time at all. This will be hard for me. It is going to be extremely 'challenging' for me but do need and want to go there - even though petrified at the same time!

I want to have hope for it but scared to, and am also really realising lately that my expectations are not very realistic! But anyway mind running away there as I am not thinking straight as have taken a sedative.

Thanks again for your words and advice and understanding. I will try to take those 'risks' and work as hard as I possibly can - if I manage to see it through - which I really hope I do as I need and want to. Just soo scared.

(((((((((Kitsune)))))))))

nc xXx

[Pickle59]

(((notcoping)))......I hear what you are sharing........xxx I'd like to share this with you.......in the hope that it may help a little..............when I had my last assessment, one thing the assessor/therapist picked up very strongly on, was how I prepared how I was going to be and how things were going to go............she actually said to me, that I had come very well prepared and rehearsed ((Lol))..........well, when she said this, of course she broke me down and brought me back to reality and the moment, and what was really going on with me..........just like that.......she is the only person who has ever challenged or addressed me with this..........of course it was all about my fears, and wanting to control things and how they go.........well she made me realise that this isn't really how it works........I was very cross at the time, scared and vulnerable, once she had knocked down my wall.........but she was right........Also, I had group work many years ago, and I found it extremely helpful........funnily enough even just recently, I revisited some of the piles of paperwork and work that I did in these groups.......It was great to revisit some of the work..........At the time it didn't really feel like much was happening with me, but on reading now..........masses was going on..........I just couldn't see it at the time...............Oh........and just one other thing............((Sorry, I can go on, so.........)).......Somebody once said to me.........Expectations are resentments in waiting..........Oh how true for me............so I am learning to hope and trust in the outcome, but not bring my own fears and worries too much into the outcome, otherwise I cannot see, hear or think clearly.............so I just try to be a WHO me............Willing, open and honest.........to as many situations as I can, including therapy............I hope I have answered your questions a little bit..........I realise I have gone into a ''Pickles one'' (lol)

[notcoping]

Thanks Pickle :-) You do not go on! You write lovely, thoughtful and caring posts and I love reading them and trying to 'learn' what I can from you - so thank you xxx

I had group therapy when I was much younger - was actually a 'resident' in a specialist unit when I was 21 for 6 months. I found this very challenging and it wasn't for long enough in the end and then I was just left really. I tried really hard while I was there and thought that the unit was 'perfect' and all the staff within it - when in reality (I have realised more recently) it was not, and in fact had many negatives and not so good bits, although still good and helpful too etc! I sometimes can still even 'miss' it now, all this time later.

I have tried individual therapy in the past - always having to 'pay' for this myself though and I have never really found the right person to work with or who has the right approach/es for me and my needs etc. I would kind of really like to find a suitable person to do this with to be honest.........but as you know I am starting a 3 day a week intensive group therapy program in January, which unfortunately has no individual therapy or time. This is really worrying me as I do find 'groups' challenging and find it hard to talk openly in them etc. However there are advantages to being in a group environment and I think one of the main aims is to learn how to have 'healthy' relationships with others and see how this 'community' reflects what happens in the 'real world' etc, with support changing patterns that we repeat a lot e.g. running away!

I am finding it really hard to have enough 'hope' to go there and put the work in, without having so many expectations that it will be a miraculous thing and change me and fix me etc! I know it sounds really silly - I just don't know how to find the 'balance' for this as even being aware that I need to is very new for me.........

I hear what you are saying and will try to allow myself to be myself in January - not that I am always sure who that it! - and maybe that is something I will begin to learn while there - who the adult 'me' is and that I am not all 'bad' and that I can see something challenging through - with the right help and support etc. But then again maybe these things are too high an expectation in themselves! I feel soooo confused as to what to think/hope/aim/not aim for etc etc. I need to have some hope as I am not doing very well at the moment - but scared to 'hope' too and don't know how to feel anymore :-)

Sorry.........now I have gone and really really rambled again and not really picked up on what you wrote. Sorry Pickles :-(

Thanks xXx

[brisbane]

hi nc,

my goal for my dbt group is to stick around for 2 months. i shared with the group how i wanted to flee (which was really helpful) and someone suggested it takes a while to see what its all about, like about 2 months, so i decided to commit to that. maybe simple goals are good sometimes? it means i can go each week with less expectations i think... more or less just see what happens. group dynamics can be very scary and confronting for me, i had power games and favourites and all that stuff, i like harmony and working together. maybe you could find out how you can get some one on one support when in the community? like if there are any options? maybe even more informal options than a counsellor? its a very brave thing to do to start your program xxx

[notcoping]

Hi brisbane :-)

Thanks for sharing that xxx

I think you are so right in that breaking the thing down into smaller goals is a really helpful thing to try and do. I am feeling very daunted by going to this community for a whole year, but maybe if I break it down into smaller chunks it may be easier. I just know that everyone has said I need to break my cycle of 'running away' and 'giving up' and that it is important for me to stay the whole time - which I do want to - it is just very daunting and overwhelming!

I too find group dynamics really hard and don't handle any confrontation/anger etc very well at all and know there will be lots of this within the community probably! I also often feel like I don't 'belong' or 'fit in' and that I am not welcome etc etc. I guess these are all things I will need to address while there - which could be a good thing really!

I don't think there is any opportunity for individual time at all - but I think if I really needed to I could speak to my cpn from my local community mental health team.

Just feel like I am 'waiting' to go now and can't really settle to anything else and feel quite 'lost' and in 'limbo'.

Anyway.........thanks again for sharing and I hope you find your dbt group helpful and that you do manage to stay for a while xxx

[lonelyheartemma]

I always have high expectations. Not just of therapy, of everything that seems positive. I get caught up in it and believe it will make everything better, partly because I am a big daydreamer and partly because I've had a lot of people telling me I will feel 'much better' if I do this or that. It never works.

I'm sorry this post isn't helpful as I'm not sure how you can reach the state I'm in but this is something that can work.

A few weeks ago I was told I would have therapy, cbt with dbt techniques. I was excited, I wanted to start straight away. I wanted to feel better straight away. So the therapist gave me a book and I read the first sentence and I was like omg what is this complete rubbish, it's telling me like 'you do this and you do that' and I've never done any of this stuff in my life. It went on to say

how to cope when I'm in meetings at work, how is that helpful? How can they say they're going to make people feel better and then alienate me by assuming I work? I know lots of people who are in therapy and most of them don't work. They could make the same point without being that specific. And the tone of the book is so sure of itself.

So my expectations have plummeted and I'm expecting the therapy to be crap.

Some people would say this is a bad mindset to be in. Everyone says think positive and there are times where you really need to be positive and negativity holds you back. But if you think positive about something like therapy that aims to change your life, your expectations can be too high and then everything is a disappointment. In the past I have found that if my expectations are low I am pleasantly surprised by how good something is and I get a lot more out of it than I was expecting because when my expectations are low I'm grateful for every positive I can find. So although it would be nice if the book can lift my expectations just a little bit I think it's better for me to think like this rather than assuming it's going to solve all my problems and my life will begin at last. I'm going to do what the therapist says but I won't expect miracles. I'm not going to expect it to be exactly what I need. Any improvement is a bonus and something to be celebrated. And that even makes the failures more acceptable. It's not a reason not to try my hardest- if it's not the ideal course for me I'm going to need to try my hardest to have a chance of getting anything out of it- but it does take some of the pressure off.

Also I'm wondering if therapy isn't about curing you- or at least not always. We've been through a lot and you can't put a length on the recovery time. It will take me 8 weeks to work through the book- that's really a small amount of time. But I think (I hope) if the therapy is close enough to what you need it can tell you what recovery skills you need and how to attain them. They help and guide us at first, maybe for quite a long time but a lot of the work we do ourselves and keep doing after the therapy has finished. I did a hairdressing course. If I was healthy enough physically and mentally I could probably get a job in a salon though not a senior job. Once I'm in the salon I probably wouldn't be doing a course anymore, I'd just be working and applying the skills I've learned in the real world. But I won't just be applying them, I'll be getting better at them all the time. Not learning from tutors but learning from experience and from the people around me. Even if I become the top hairdresser in the whole world (haha as if) I will be learning and getting better for the rest of my career, using and refining the skills I once learned on a course. Maybe there will be times when I will go back to college for a while as a refresher or to look at more developments in techniques just like some people need to repeat therapy but whether you do that or not you can keep learning and improving forever. The therapy is very important but it's still just the starting point.

[notcoping]

Hi Emma :-)

Thanks so much for your lovely post (((((((((hugs)))))))))

I am sorry you are worrying that your new therapy may not be that helpful - maybe the book isn't written as well as it should be and the actual therapy may use bits of it but not be completely based on it? I hope it is better than you are expecting xxx

I do hear and relate so much to what you said about having 'high expectations' of not only 'therapy', but anything 'positive'. I am like this too and put so much effort into things that I think are 'good' for me etc and often 'burn out' as I put too much into them sometimes. I think it is because I am so desperate to change me and my life as I can't face being like this forever :-(

You are so right in saying that we can learn things in therapy experiences to take away and apply on our own in our everyday life etc. I am hoping to be able to start doing this with my new group therapy that starts next year. In the past though I do sometimes find it hard to 'hold' onto the things that I have learnt in therapy. I hope to be able to change this though!

Any improvement is most definitely a bonus and something I am trying really hard to 'accept'. That things aren't going to miraculously get better just with one experience, and indeed that I might never be the person or have the life that I would really like to be/have. It is just hard living with that knowledge at times.

Anyway..........thanks again for sharing what you did - I really relate to an awful lot of what you said - thanks for making me feel less 'alone' xxx

Hoping your therapy helps you move in the right direction when it starts and that you will be pleasantly surprised and find that it is not as awful as you are now expecting (((((((((Emma))))))))) If you feel like it, please post to let me (us) know how it is going and how the book reading is going etc. No pressure of course xxx

Take good care of you.

nc xXx

[Barebones]

Im away to start group psychotherapy, i dont expect much due to not knowing the people and really im sure they wont talk.

If your talking about one to one, ur expectation is prob more that what u give or get. What u get out of something is if u are willing to work on certain things and if u have that then maybe it wont be as bad. In a group u cant garentee they will speak or work on what u need,. on a one to one is what ever ur feeling is that u talk to the person and u both work out what u want. If you think the person cant help, then he wont. its down to both of you to work on the problem.

sry if im sounding hard, im having a bad day.

[lonelyheartemma]

Hi NC, I can't really write a proper reply atm (your lovely post really deserves a longer one than this) but I'm glad you were able to relate to it and thank you so much for telling me that, it's lovely to hear that..

It is very hard to hold onto things you learn in therapy, getting better from any kind of illness takes a big mental effort. The psychologist told me I should practise regularly and I'm sure she's right as that will help reinforce it in your mind. It's not easy but it doesn't mean we can't do it.

At least we are aware we have a problem with high expectations, tbh I was quite shocked to find out I had that problem as I always thought I was a complete pessimist! Even recognising the problem can be difficult but we've done it. It's still a big step from recognising it to doing something about it but we're on the way

[notcoping]

Hi Barbones and lonelyheartemma xxx

Thanks for your messages........

Barbones - I too am about to start on an intensive 'group' based therapy and finding it very scary. You didn't sound 'hard' at all and I am sorry you are having a bad day/time (((((((hugs))))))) I think group stuff is harder to know what to expect and whether you will get a chance to work on your individual issues etc - but it can also be really good to share the therapy with others who feel similar and learn and grow together - I hope it will be like this for you (and me). I hope you are having a slightly better day today and that when you start your new group therapy that it will give you something that you need and can grow from. Take care and thanks for your message xxx

Emma - don't worry about the length of your reply - it was lovely that you sent one do please don't worry. You are so right that the beginning is always to recognise something you do that isn't 'helpful' or 'healthy' etc - so we have started our journey. Like you say it is just now trying to alter our patterns and move forward in our long journeys *hugs*. I also am usually a pessimist - and it is hard to understand how you can always be pessimistic and yet have too high an expectation of something. I think sometimes with me it is down to the fact that I am so desperate to change and have a life etc that I need to 'hope' or would give up completely. It is really hard for to find the correct balance at the moment!

Anyway take care of yourself and feel free to message here again - it is nice to be able to relate to what someone else says :-) Although of course I don't want you to be struggling and feeling bad xxx

[Lily-Bee]

The thing is we do not know what will happen............I tell myself even if it gives me 1% progress it will be worth it, what have I got to lose?! And with that I try to go in with an open mind, curious to see what will happen, knowing that if its good I will gain but if its bad or neutral whatever there is always something to be gained, we learn also from negative experiences.

[Barebones]

Thanks not coping, i hope that things will work out and i do appreciate in how u said us in going through this.

Do hope u keep us posted on how things go and im sure i will also. depends sometimes as i can normaly go quiet as having to much things going on and have no words or anything to help anyone let alone myself.

xxx good luck

also thanks lilly, yeah i guess 1% is better than nothing. and im myself is willing to really get into this. I have so many appointments through the week and also work is i have stopped one so i can put myself into this.

xx hugs to all.

[notcoping]

Hi Lily and Barbones xxx

Thanks for your messages :-)

Lily you are right in the fact that anything gained/learned, however small or big is worth it - I can see that, but just wish like it felt enough at the moment to give me the strength to 'keep fighting' - I am sure once I actually start I will see what things can be gained from it - just so hard at the moment. You are also right in that neutral or negative experiences also teach us something - even if it is just what doesn't help us and what actually might be helpful.

Barbones thanks for what you said. I will try my best to keep you posted and I hope you too do feel able to let us all know how you are doing. I understand what you said about sometimes going 'quiet' and that is fine and if it is what you need to do it is important but please don't feel like you don't have anything to offer - you have been really kind to me and I appreciate it. Do what is right for you but know you have people here who care and are here for you whenever you feel able to communicate. Take care of yourself and good luck for your new therapy too xxx