johnnym Posted November 4, 2013 Report Share Posted November 4, 2013 NOTE: You dont have to read this... I just had a feeling to speak my heart somwhere... Hi, I dont remember the date exactly, but it was sometimes around this time, three years ago, that I started to feel seriously bad. I overdosed, I took illegal drugs, self-harmed a lot, tried to jump from the bridge (didnt have the guts) etc... Then one night I took about 90mg of bromazepam (all I had), some sertraline and cut deeply under the skin so that the fat was visible. My friend who found me took me to the hospital. They took care of me and I started to go to therapy and was going there once a week for more than a year. Fast forward to today... Everbody thinks I am fine. And on the outside I really am. I look happy. But I am not. I didnt wear short sleeves in 3 years. I dont want people to see my scars. They are not terrible, but there are about 100 of them. Nor did I have any girlfriend or even hugged some girl. I guess I am too scared. Too scared what she might find out about my history. And is it really history? Am I really better or did I just managed to hide my feelings even better? Well, I have to say I am quite convinced that one day, I will kill my self. It wont be tomorrow, not even in a year probably. First I have to pay off my debts and prepare everything. And even then, I probably wont have the guts - again - to pull the trigger. But... The question is this. Is there anybody else here who KNOWS things wont get any better? I know my self quite well. And I know I wont be a success in any way in this life. I am 28 - never was in a relationship. Never ever. And the logic is this - I cant be. Because there is no way how to explain to somebody nice, that I wanted to kill my self, that I wanted to die. Because than she would ask: "But it is all gone now, right? You re feeling okay..." And then... I would have to lie.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shinyshine Posted November 4, 2013 Report Share Posted November 4, 2013 Hi If you're still feeling bad then maybe you could consider continuing your treatment. It is a hard decision to make, but you could end up feeling better. It sounds like there are successes in your life - you stopped self harming, you went to therapy for over a year, and you wish to pay off your debts as well. I'm sure there are others too but I understand feeling bad makes it hard to see them. As for being in a relationship, it sounds like maybe you see this as a primary failure in your life because you have never had one. I would argue that it is not impossible for you ever to be in one, though. It's easier to be in a relationship when you are feeling good yourself, for real, and there are relationships I wish I'd never been in because I was dealing with too much other stuff. Look after number 1 first And when you do find the right person, they won't care that you had/have mental health problems, because they like who you actually are, now. If someone goes and rejects you because of that, they are NOT worth your time. Example: My friend told her boyfriend that she had self-harmed and was suicidal before they got together, and they are still happily together 3 years later. She still sometimes self-harms and abuses alcohol, but they work on it together. Hopefully soon you'll be truly satisfied with yourself and your life, and you won't have to lie to people, but that will be a hard process I know. Keep posting if you need to Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
addy2 Posted November 4, 2013 Report Share Posted November 4, 2013 Hi, I know what you mean I don't feel I will ever get better either I am 38 and was dx with bpd when I was 35 I was treated for anxiety and depression since I was 19, I still take panic attacks and can't go places alone hat is after yrs and yrs of therapy I am waiting on them to give up. I am currently in dbt half way though I still cut and overdose I am no way any better if anything I am worse but no one listens. I am sorry you are struggling and sorry I don't give much hope but I feel people know themselves and how they feel. I hope things improve for you soon take care Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kara. Posted November 4, 2013 Report Share Posted November 4, 2013 I can relate to you a lot. I also think that i will kill myself at some point and i also put lots of pressure on myself to be in a relationship. Death has been my very good friend and the reason why i am still alive is because death is there as a way out. Life would be unbearable for me if i didn't have a sense of escape. I have better and worse days and of course i'd like to live rather than die and i will keep on working on that. Some people have recovered and feel quite fulfilled. I can't say that this is my case, but i wish it would be, one day. I've been thinking how to reinvent myself, how to find an internal support for the person that i want to become. One thing i know, the recovery process is so long and so frustrating but i'm making it the centre of my life. I can only hold on to therapy. I spend my money in it but if i had another disease that needed the same commitment i would do as much as possible to save myself. I see therapy as a life saving thing. I agree with shinyshine. Some people are very kind and very committed and you can find someone like that. You will, hopefully, find someone like that. xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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