cheeky_lilly Posted November 13, 2013 Report Share Posted November 13, 2013 So I hate food I hate it so much. I used to be nice and BMI 15 and then I got fat. Bloody bmi of 18. Or maybe a bit less. I am seeing ED nurse. I lie about my food intake.... But the other way round. I tell her I have eaten less than I actually did. Why? Because I am an awful person and I hate myself for that. I don't know. Is it because I struggle to eat? I starve myself and then binge eat and then what? I am fat. But I am a cheater. I am eating and I cannot resist food. I am an awful person. Oh food. How much I hate you!!!!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mousie Posted November 13, 2013 Report Share Posted November 13, 2013 hey lilly i've been told i'm a good person but it has felt like a disgusting lie like i've deceived everyone or they're just being nice truth is you're not doing bad things to anyone and the rotten thing about food is needing it when it feels like a shaming enemy and i learnt many years ago as a kid that i couldn't control anything so that even food i ate became an issue everything became an enemy but its only recently that i've learned that all the things kicking around in me were what was introduced to me by others that me feeling i could never be ok never be good enough never get anything right kept the belief of being the ok person others said i was and am at a distance my internal beliefs were being good enough isn't good enough doing everything i can to be the best i can meant that when that was achieved my nose was only just above waterline because all other times i was the most revolting despicable being i just couldn't take in that i was ok too scary too unbelievable it takes something to acknowledge what others say and take that step of faith to accept that what they're saying is valid and a truth opposite to mine but a truth and when it comes down to it, more valid than mine when i've been bonkers nuts hating myself and i wish that for you lilly for you to see you in addition to how you see you to see that you're actually ok alongside how you see yourself hurting inside so much chaos doesn't mean you're bad we all got difficulties struggles make mistakes and you condemn everyone if you condemn yourself you're an ok person Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mousie Posted November 13, 2013 Report Share Posted November 13, 2013 that's my experience of you truth be known Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Becca95 Posted November 14, 2013 Report Share Posted November 14, 2013 Hi Lilly, I hate food too, I have anorexia, so I kind of know how you feel. I'm sorry I can't give any advice or help. Are you scared of recovering? Because you lie to your nurse about the amount you're eating, I'm just wondering why that is, are you ashamed? You shouldn't be, you have a better BMI, I know you won't believe that but.. I'm sorry to hear your struggle. I hope you can be kind to yourself and find some peace and comfort. I wish you luck with everything. xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cheeky_lilly Posted November 14, 2013 Author Report Share Posted November 14, 2013 Thank you mousie as I said before you write beautifully...!!! It is reassuring to hear the others feel the same. Beca- I think it is because I feel like I am not I. Control now. I starve myself, reduce food I take and then I get drunk and eat insane amounts- so that is how I put on weight.... So I don't know if I am recovered or if I am not?? I hate the fact I cannot resist food when drunk. I often tried to make myself sick afterwards. I was anorexic that what they said. No one said that word now. They say- you have an eating disorder and you need help. What does it mean? I don't know what to do anymore. My life feels really out of control. Should I just accept it? Believe them?? I don't know. I am tired exhausted and in a need to just disappear... I thought in bpd it disappears after a few days, but for me it's a constant feeling for a few weeks now... I want to believe I am worth something but why is it so hard.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mousie Posted November 15, 2013 Report Share Posted November 15, 2013 i hope you're doing ok Lilly Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
roflysst Posted November 16, 2013 Report Share Posted November 16, 2013 I'm sorry you are struggling so much hun...Just because you're BMI is now classifiied as "healthy" doesn't mean that you are. You now sound like EDNOS (Eating disorder not otherwise specified) or Bulimia (depending on how much and often you binge) and the starve binge cycle is still dangerous to you're health. I understand what you mean by the out of control feeling but hun, whilst eating disorders try and trick us into believing they help us regain control they do not. They do the opposite. I hope you can be honest with your ED nurse, they will understand and hopefully help with you getting into a regular eating pattern. If you are purging you should be having weekly blood tests to check your potassium levels etc. I know it's far from easy (I've had an eating disorder for 13 years now), but the first step is admitting you still have a problem Good luck <3 <3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cheeky_lilly Posted November 16, 2013 Author Report Share Posted November 16, 2013 Thank you... Ehhh apparently it occured my BMI is a bit over 17 and they got concerned... I said I dont want to be beliw 15 again but a part of me wants to get back there as I felt so small I didn't have energy to think... I also slept well.... I am trying to be honest and eat as told... but it feels really wron and like a massive failiure... It just adds to my feeling of worthlessnessss Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cheeky_lilly Posted November 18, 2013 Author Report Share Posted November 18, 2013 Eh so I had a another dietetic appt today... And apparently I am in a mode of starvation... I thought how much I was eating was overeating but apparently I am severely under eating.... I didn't know that... It surprised me how differently I see things to professionals... the condition is I need to put on weight. And I will have it monitored every week... It is going to be hard as I stopped monitoring it myself as it was a trigger to change the numbers... I didn't do it today and I feel like I have gained 10 kg... Is it possible?? I am really scared now Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mousie Posted November 18, 2013 Report Share Posted November 18, 2013 lilly i know from what i'm going through how hard it is to surrender oneself to the guidance choices and wisdom of professionals i have to hand myself over to therapists most of whom i would have supervised but am now to be their patient/client and to trust that they are good enough and want to do a good job caring i wish you trust and that brave openness that you have written about you are doing great things lilly and i and i am very sure that everyone here is rooting for you wanting good things for you and for things to be respectful of all that is you that they are sensitive to you and kind and that you feel heard and respected Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Becca95 Posted November 19, 2013 Report Share Posted November 19, 2013 I partly know how you feel, you think you're eating lots and really you are but it's not enough. Unfortunately we have to exceed our recommended daily allowance, which is why I've been stuck in the same place for over a year now. The recommended allowance is what our body needs to stay healthy but as we aren't and we are underweight we need more than that. It's not possible to gain 10kg at once if it was I'd be over this now haha! Ohh how I wish that were true.. I also have my weight monitored every week, I don't really know your whole situation but for me personally, I don't want to be losing weight, I want to be able to eat but it's a daily struggle to be able to physically eat, so for me, being weighed every week is helpful. It is a reflection on the week before and it either shows you you need to improve something or that you're doing well and to keep going. However, one thing I think all ed people have found out, is that the scales can be unpredictable. You may think you did well and therefore expect a gain but you actually have lost and vice versa. I can understand how the scales can be a trigger for you an I feel for you for that, but it's kin of part of your recovery, try focusing on goals you set yourself to make the increasing weight a positive thing. I know this is scary and horrible but you're doing the right thing to recover. I wish you all the best and I'd be more than happy o talk to you if you needed. xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrippleAndStarfish Posted November 19, 2013 Report Share Posted November 19, 2013 I don't know if it may help you, but something that helped me with recovery... The scales were a huge trigger for me also - so i binned them. At my weigh-ins i looked away. My support worker came into town with me once we had worked out what my ideal weight would be, & from that we worked out roughly what my thigh, hip, waist and bust measurements should be. I bought figure-hugging jeans and a top in those sizes, & used those to monitor my weight gain rather than numbers on a scale. .... Fat jeans as opposed to skinny jeans, i aspired to grow into them rather than shrink into a pair as i did when i was in the clutched claws of my ED. It was challenging, of course, but it worked. I also used LOTS of self-soothing after and surrounding preparing food and eating. I would meditate beforehand and reward myself with a soak in the bath, new make up, a nice candle, would curl up with a blanket and a book and a "safe" drink (hot chocolate for me, i could drink it and not feel anything but comforted)....anything to make myself feel better. I relied heavily on my rescue/crisis box, & usually would watch a feel-good movie on netflix etc too. Xx Edit to add: i've been stable at my final healthy goal weight for near 2 yrs now, & i still have the odd wobble and panic over eating.... Usually when i'm very stressed by other things..... But i can manage it well and it doesnt take over i've also got a 2 week old baby and while the weight gain thru the preg was hard, i managed that well too & maintained a healthy bmi and was eating regularly and healthily.... That is a little harder now with a new baby who is constantly needing attention and feeding (i'm breastfeeding) & everything that a baby needs, but i am still doing so, & i feel proud of that too xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
morethanme Posted November 21, 2013 Report Share Posted November 21, 2013 Getting rid of.the scales is what i did too Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cheeky_lilly Posted November 21, 2013 Author Report Share Posted November 21, 2013 thank you loads for replies. snoozysuzy congrats on your baby boy!! the idea about trousers being a bit bigger is great. I think i may try this. got rid of scales they were unhealthy for me... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cheeky_lilly Posted December 6, 2013 Author Report Share Posted December 6, 2013 I just wanted to say that I feel so so so undeservingly blessed... I have loads of support and different therapies at the moment, dietetics too for my ED ( I kind of accept that it is ED, I said to my CPN - well I dont know if I have it... she answered: 'If you dont, then change this this and that, can you?' and my answer was that I can't... I also will be referred to physio ( I didnt know that is how EDs work) as they want me to havea healthier approach to excercise I guess ( I would do it to the point where I really physically overexcercise) I feel grateful because I will probably find it helpful, but I do struggle with thoughts' what if I dont deserve it?' 'what if I am not ill enough?' 'what if I am not ill at all???' It is a lot and I dont know how to tackle this but I hope it will just go smoothly.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Becca95 Posted December 6, 2013 Report Share Posted December 6, 2013 I'm happy for you, you do deserve it and if you're getting help, my guess would be that you are Ill and need help. Good luck on your journey. xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.