War In My Head.

[Becca95]

So, I've had anorexia for over a year now and I haven't made much progress at all. My weight chart and weight for height charts have remained relatively the same the whole time. No one know how to help me now.

I'm not worried about putting on weight, I want to put on weight. I'm not scared of calories, in fact to try and improve I pick the highest calorie things that's available to me most of the time. So I am trying. There's just one thing in my way; anxiety.

I'm scared of my awful anxiety attacks and I'm petrified of being sick this has all led to me being scared of eating in case I'm sick or have an attack.

I just cannot seem to get over it.

Last night, I noticed something.

I was really hungry and I ask my self should I get some food? It's almost as if I'm asking my head for approval. Anyway, despite being hungry and feeling like I could eat. I just said no, my head said no to food. I don't really know why to be honest.

I'm just so tored of this now, i can't do anything without this getting in the way and I don't know how I'm meant to get over all this?! I don't want this anymore but I'm stuck. I even deny myself water or a drink too sometimes.

I don't know what else to do, I don't understand why I really want to eat but yet I just deny myself it. I just don't like food. :(

[brisbane]

hi Becca hun, so nice to see you around here xx I'm sorry for what you're going through now, with these thoughts that mean you can't eat or drink xx I'm just wondering if you can take the "two truths" thing? its something i've been learning about in DBT, and it really helped me to not binge back in the day, even though i didn't know about the two truths stuff then. For example it could be like " dear universe/god/self etc, i am really terrified that if i do eat that i might vomit, and it might actually happen, i might vomit, so i don't want to go anywhere near food, and at the same time, i'm hungry and i want to nourish and energise my body, and for that reason i want to eat... please god/self/universe (as feels good for you) please despite me feeling ill and wanting to vomit, please allow me to eat some food to nourish my body. Somehow there was power in this for me to admit that there were two contradictory things i wanted to do at the same time, and also to admit that i felt powerless over the urge to do the harmful/ unhelpful behaviour and needed help from something outside of me. sorry Becca if all i'm doing here is sprouting advice, i guess this is just something that has helped me, and maybe it can help guide you to your own answers... i'm finding it often helps me to acknowledge contradictions... you'll get there Becca, you have so much determination to recover from this xxx

[Threemoons]

I really feel for you, Becca, must be awful to be hungry and at the same time being scared of food. Please keep trying, my lovely, I know it's been already a year of fight but don't resign yourself, you're stronger than you think. I send you encouragements and a big warm hug.

[Becca95]

Thank you so much Brisbane, that's a very interesting idea so thank you for the advice. xx

Thank you Threemoons xx

[Barebones]

Hi brecca, I know how it feel not want food and not be sick also. U say ur anorexic? are u not getting help with this?

I am diagnosed with non specified eating disorder which makes me become both but in between if understand?

You should be getting help hun, not again sure what help ur getting.

[cheeky_lilly]

Hi Beca,

I know what you mean as I had a phobia of being sick. Therefore whenever I was eating I feared I will be sick- and this is how I also stopped eating because I physically felt sick.

They won't give up on you of you tell them how you feel they will try to help I am sure of it

[Becca95]

Ive been seeing an eating disorders team for a year now. They've only really been moitoring me because that's all they can do really. I had hypnotherapy but it didn't help.

Barbones, at first I was diagnosed with Food Avoidant Emotional Disorder or something then they changed it to anorexia then they went back to the original diagnoses. Basically, they're not sure what's wrong in my head because I'm not a typical anorexic and I have 'complications' meaning I'm not straight forward to treat but last week my councillor from the team said, something needs to change but don't know what.

That's why I feel hopeless because I don't know either.

Thank you both for replies and sharing your information, much appreciated xx

[lalissa]

Hi Becca,

sounds really really difficult for you, i'm sorry i don't really know what to say, other than for me at times when things are really bad i avoid eating for weeks at a time and i think it is for me a type of self harm... don't really understand it and not saying its the same as you, just throwing in some thoughts,

i hope you can find a way to manage it and i'm glad at least someone is keeping an eye on your weight and therefore caring for you at least to some extent,

(((((((hugs))))))

lali xx

[cheeky_lilly]

I am really sorry Becca it sounds so difficult!

It must be so hard not to know what is happening with you.. I can understand the frustration... I wish I had a magic wand and help everyone that is struggling... I think the most you can do is to talk to CPN telling her that it really worres you you dont know hwats wrong and that the others dont know how to help you... Maybe they will come up with something helpful???

[Becca95]

Thank you both of you. They ask me every week (Ed team) how everythings going etc and I always end up saying how much I struggle and how it seems physically impossible, how I don't know what else I'm meant to do, I feel like I'm a failure because I just can't get anywhere.

It's always the same 'it is possible and I can understand why you feel like that' that's it though really, it's always the same. I don't think they know how else to help, I dont think they even think I can recover because they don't know what's wrong with me. I mean, they label me anorexic but I don't worry about weight, calories etc, don't think they believe me on that still so to them I'm not a typical case, I'm difficult.

One of the hardest things is, I'm I'll at one of the first times in my life. Ives just turned 18 so I'm in college, my last year. I can't afford to take time off to go into hospital in the hope it'll help me as they wanted. Last year I had about 5 weeks off because my anxiety was so bad I couldn't make it out the door. I can't get a job because I'm worried I won't manage and will suffer with bad anxiety. I find it hard to go out with friends etc.

I just want to be able to look forward to eating food again without any worries.

[cheeky_lilly]

Hi Becca,

I am sorry to feel this way, but you described it very aacurately...

what about just copying it and printing a sheet of paper, and then handing it to the person you are seeing???

[Becca95]

Ahh just reread my last reply, sorry for all the typos!

Hi Lilly,

Thank you. I suppose I could maybe think about doing that but if there's nothing else they can do I don't know if it'll help. I'm currently in the process of being transferred to adult services if they accept me as 'ill enough', they have a completely different approach to treatment and I don't want to start all over again, what if they can't help me either?