Dbt Group Too Hard - Shutting Down Emotionally

[brisbane]

I’m really struggling in my DBT group and want to quit, it just seems so pointless and is getting so much less enjoyable and harder to go. Things started off so well but I’ve been progressively closing down more and more each week, to the point where i say so little and no longer connect emotionally.

I was really fond of my one on one therapist, who co-facilitates the group. I even told him i was getting attached to him and was worried he might leave, something i’ve never done before, and it felt good to share, somehow the therapy boundaries are clear with him. But a few weeks ago he said i was intellectual and he questioned what i am doing with what we discuss. And yet the week before he had helped me heal something old and deep – and each time we met i was acting differently at least in some small ways, so i was translating our discussions into action. Yet somehow I value his opinion more than my experience of the situation, I feel that what he asked must be right. And I felt incredibly hurt – he himself is an intelligent guy – we often come up with similar types of answers and do well in word games – we play games in the last 30 mins of group, and i felt intelligence, or more the way our brains work with puzzles, was something we had in common. And then he went and criticised me for it. I told him at the time that I felt it was a criticism. And now i feel he doesn’t like me, so i don’t open up anymore and just go through the motions in our one on ones, so they achieve nothing.

I also feel like the group is tired of me, is sick of my sharing, so i’ve closed off there too. I feel like people don’t like me, except the new group member, people say so little after i share. So i just feel there is no point. And I was becoming friends with one group member, with both have lots in common, and yet a close friend said that i shouldn’t be friends with group members, and when i asked my therapist he was like suggesting becoming friends would divert me from the purpose of therapy. But i want to make friends there, it was a goal to hope to make a friend or two – friends through processes like these are amazing and enduring and so real, one of my close friends for a few years now i met in a cbt group.

Why do i have to listen so intently to what other people say and not trust myself? Why do i have to be so reliant on whether i feel other people like me or not? I think i’ll bring it up in my one on one, if i can, but it feel s unthinkable to mention in group itself. There is a click of three long time members in group who sort of heavily influence the group, people who’ve been there 18 months, more than a year and about 6 months. Feeling a mix of having failed at group and trying to justify that it just isn’t for me. Not really sure what i’m after by posting here... rambled across many issues... grateful for the chance to share. I think shutting down and disconnecting is a pattern throughout my life... I moved a lot to cope with it. Maybe this is a chance to break that old pattern? No idea how. Thanks for listening xx

[notcoping]

Hi brisbane

Lovely to see you posting again, although of course sorry to hear what a difficult time you are going through (((((((hugs))))))))

I can really relate to a lot of what you wrote - I too often feel like therapies (or work or study etc) start of well, partly because of the hopes I have, partly because I feel it is ok to feel a little anxious to begin with and partly because I have some enthusiasm etc etc. But then they get more serious/more responsibility/harder/more intense etc and I feel I should be feeling less anxious and getting to know people, and even making friends etc - and that is never the case. It becomes harder and harder and then I run away or withdraw etc as I can't cope. The community I am joining in January encourages to ride out these thoughts/feelings and bring them to group (there is no individual therapy). I don't know at all if I am going to be able to do this - I am petrified and know that a lot of these issues will come up during the year I am there..........but I hope that I can stick it out and break my usual patterns of behaviour - and I hope you will find a way to do this too. We are all here to support you and listen xxx

You have not failed - and don't feel like you have failed whatever the outcome - it is hard to change our patterns of behaviour and maybe it is not the right time/place/people to do this with. But I think it is great that you haven't stopped going yet and think your idea to talk to your one to one therapist is a good idea and then maybe he could support you in raising what you feel comfortable enough to within the group? I really hope you find the courage (and it is by no means easy) to do this and stick with it even though so scary and uncomfortable etc. In the end maybe it would be worth it? But either way we are here for you and I for one would never judge you, think badly of you or anything like that.

Take care brisbane and please do keep posting xXx

[Saharah Blue]

(((Brisbane))),

Despite feeling incredibly vulnerable it sounds like you are doing fantastic. And I might add for validation, you are getting it right. All the stuff that is suppose to happen is happening. You are interacting in a controlled group environment and getting feedback, discovering your own start and stop boundaries for being open and closed around others. Well, done for getting involved.

Before change can happen awareness has to come to the forefront. I think you will find patterns that you can work on privately. Perhaps, the I can conquer side of you wanted to walk in master DBT, like an intellectual puzzle, receive loads of praise for being such a sharp tack, and feel likeable and good will all new friends and support to boot.

Instead you go and see it changes every time. It is not as predicable as you would feel comfortable with, and opening up can can feel scary. That is the moment to learn to sit with, the discomfort that need your attention. DBT teaches you the skills to do that very thing. I hope you continue I think you will be brilliant at it. Allow the rough corner fall off.

xoxo,

Sah