Made Me Sick

[Hoobub]

I've been accused by my own mother of allowing 2 so called 'family friends' sexually abuse me as a 12/13 year old girl. Does this seem normal to anyone?

[Kitsune]

That's not normal to accuse you of that and put the blame on you, and that's wrong of her. That's just my opinion though.

[Hoobub]

Thank you Kitsune. I told her that an invalidating environment is one of the causes of BPD, and that she was being invalidating by saying that, but she doesn't understand & thinks I'm playing some kind of game. I know I can't change other people & can only change how I feel, but that doesn't make it hurt any less

[Hopeangel]

That sounds very hurtful to me Hoobub, I would think perhaps your mum feels guilt that she didn't protect you from the abuse and is projecting that hurt onto you.

The same with her saying you are 'playing games' when you blamed her (quite rightly) for invalidating you. It seems to me your mum is a person who is unable to tolerate guilt and will throw it back to you each time she feels it.

I am so sorry this happened to you! xx

[Hoobub]

Thanks hopeangel, you're right, she can't handle guilt, I tried to tell her it's not her fault, but some of the things she said to me were disgusting. I had to block her & my dad (as the BPD comes mainly from him) on Facebook, she's turned my brother against me, also other family members have sided with her. I am gutted. After agreeing with me for several years about my dad & the BPD she said to me - only poor people who live in poverty have that, I'm just so disgusted by her remarks

[Hopeangel]

I think your mum is in denial about a lot of things in life, I am not surprised you are so hurt! One thing I try so hard to remember when someone is being hurtful to me is that I can only control my reaction, I can never control their behaviour, however cruel it may seem, their behaviour is their 'stuff' to deal with and my reaction is my 'stuff'.

The latter being the only thing in the picture that I can actually control! Also, things can look different/easier after 24 hours! I still struggle to remember that one but it is true!

I hope you can find the strength inside yourself to know the truth about yourself, I know that you can do it, these are the people who are sent to test us and make our characters' stronger in the long run, you wait and see! xxx

[Hoobub]

Thanks hope, I'm having a really hard time with it now, it's started to become hard to tell what's my BPD & what's actually happening. I understand what you're saying and I do struggle with that as well. Family members are still giving me a hard time & are poisoning old & new relationships, I can see they haven't changed, they're still the abusers of people they've always been, I'm so upset because it's affected my mood so much, so now I'm dealing with the guilt feelings of not being the best I can for my own young family at what's meant to be a special time of year. My therapist is unavailable so I don't know where to turn, I'm trying to use skills taught to me while I was in therapy, but I'm feeling more & more pushed by them

[Hopeangel]

I think from what you have told us, the things that have been said to you would be hurtful to the most emotionally robust person on the planet (although I've yet to meet one - emotionally robust person that is!). It would all push my buttons for sure!

I understand how confusing this must feel to you since you have bpd but I don't have bpd, I do know a lot about it though as my dd suffers with it and I understand the confusion 'is it you or them?' you must feel. My nonbpd perspective is that it would seem your mum probably has some undiagnosed issues of her own to maybe not be ABLE to offer you the support you badly need and to say very baiting things to you that she must know would hurt you. She may not have an actual mental illness but seems to me to be lacking emotional intelligence, whichever way.

I am an outsider looking in and, of course Im not in full possession of all the facts, but you mention you dad has bpd too, therefore, please don't forget your brother will have also been brought up in a confusing environment with your mother and father in their dysfunctional dance so so he may not really know which way he should turn.

The fact that you are in T and helping yourself away from all this is very positive and although there will be some very painful hurdles along the way (like now for example! Christmas grrrr!) I think this time will pass for you and you will be able to make good progress in your recovery.

Sadly your family may remain dysfunctional unless they can get the help they need for themselves, but even though their support would have been a benefit, they seem unable to offer it, and the best person ever to look after your own mental health is ultimately you! I have faith you can do it, you mustn't feel guilt for your young family, you are doing your very best despite huge obstacles. They have a mum who loves and cares about them - that is what they unltimately need, not a permanently smiling mum, you are a human, humans have problems, kids survive!

I am wishing you a much better year in 2014, do you think you could avoid the family for a bit and just heal? You must and save yourself and survive! xxx

[Hoobub]

I thought that too about my mum, that's amazing hope, thank you so much, you've really made me feel a lot better, you're spot on about my brother as well. Yes, I've been avoiding other family members, and trying to focus on getting myself back into a good place mentally. Its good to have some confirmation, now I don't feel so alone, thanks hope xx best wishes for the new year to you too xx

[Threemoons]

Don't know what to say but offering you a huge safe hug, Hoobub.

[Hoobub]

Thank you threemoons, I have to be honest, I've fallen back on some of my old coping mechanisms, I've been trying to keep it as under control as possible & I can see how easy it is to fall back into old bad habits, I know it's not doing me any good, but I can't stand the ruminating & the guilt so it's easier to escape for now, will have to deal with my feelings at some point, just delaying the inevitable really.

[lonelyheartemma]

((((Hoobub)))) in a way its not good to fall back into old coping mechanisms but at least you have found something that helps you to cope. Mental illnesses are like physical illnesses in that sometimes things will happen to cause you to have a relapse (and I should think anyone in your circumstances would relapse). If you have a relapse you go backwards in your recovery and that can mean going back to the old coping mechanisms simply because you need more aids in order to help you recover. Obviously some coping mechanisms aren't a great idea even short term but when you've suffered something like that and have no immediate support from a therapist it's understandable and something a lot of people would do in your position.

I can see why the therapists would want to have time off at Christmas but considering Christmas and New Year are such a difficult time even for mentally healthy people you'd think they'd arrange one or two people to be there during the usual opening hours.

[piercepd]

NO IT ******* ISN'T!! And it's a horrible comment on society & (& I mean no offence here, I really don't) on your mother than you would be put in the position of even having to ask whether it seems normal. Having said that, I know of old the brain trick of not trusting a thing you think.

Hope you're ok & please, please don't fall back into old coping mechanisms. They're the OLD ones ** for a reason. **

[Hoobub]

I spoke to my therapist yesterday, she really is a great therapist & she put things into perspective for me, she said I should block my mum on Facebook (already done) and anyone else who I think is causing a problem, so that's most of the rest of my family, haha. She said if my parents want to speak to me that's ok but I need a statement to repeat to them, like: if you want to talk about your grandchildren that's fine, but you cannot talk to me about the past anymore, I won't allow it

[Hoobub]

I agree with you Emma, the number they give you to use in a crisis isn't always available, so it would be down to crisis intervention, and they've got at least a 2 month waiting list in my area, which isn't very helpful at the time xx Thanks pierce, I didn't fall back on them as much as I could've, so I'm quite pleased about that :-) I'm still getting grief on Facebook, I know I should block the other 'family members' but I'm a bit worried about it. The way I'm looking at it is, if my family are poisoning other relationships (which they don't even have any connection to) and those people aren't telling me (& they're just judging me), then maybe those people aren't as good friends as I thought they were. If someone that you didn't know private messaged you & slated someone else to you what would you say to them? I know what I'd tell them lol. Some of my relatives really are despicable, it makes me so angry, but like my therapist said, these people will trample over your feelings & hard work every time

[Humblegrub]

I once told my mum that I'd been raped over 9 months when I was 18

She said it wasn't rape and then proceeded to tell me how she was almost raped once and has to hide in a bush.

She'd deny it now since her brain op

So yea I understand how it hurts

[Threemoons]

Hugs to you too, Humblegrub. It's truly horrible when close family members deny.

[Hoobub]

So sorry to hear that humblegrub, she sounds a lot like my real mother, I always said for years that she's evil etc, but I can see now she's got her own mental health problems, can only help people that want to be helped sadly xxxx

[angel tears]

Hey there I have been through rape/abuse and been blamed for it as a child and adult and it really does hurt a lot when family are so cold and cruel. Please always remember that what happened to you is not your fault, it's a very cruel thing to blame you!!. It's a painful road to recovery without that crap!!. I hope that you know the truth, your own truth!. You are a survivor and that's amazing xxx