Confidence Or Arrogance?

[Havehope]

They say there`s a fine line between confidence and arrogance. I often find it difficult to tell this difference with some people I

know...they just seem to have an absolute belief in what they believe and often make me feel that my views and opinions aren't right or

Important.. is this my BPD or are there so many people like this about , or do they have a BPD ?????

[Hopeangel]

Hi Havehope!

I don't think that is a bpd issue, I believe in most cases arrogance has its root in insecurity. It is a mask a certain person uses to cover their vulnerable feelings.

Although its not a trait I admire, I do have a certain tolerance for arrogance as I honestly do believe there is usually an insecurity behind it and a lot of it is just bluster, smoke and mirrors so you don't see their inner fears. I'm a person who would let someone be right if its so important to them, as long as its not regarding something that affects me too much, although they probably would annoy me if I spent too long with them.

The only thing you can really alter is your own reactions to their assertions, you can choose to disagree even if you don't express that to them for the sake of a peaceful interaction, or you could express disagreement and let the chips fall where they may, personally I find its not worth me getting that much involved in someone else's 'stuff' to even bother to argue, I have my own 'stuff' to deal with, I just limit the time I spend around those types of people!

That's how I try to deal with these people anyway, rightly or wrongly. I just put it down to their insecurities and let them get on with it!

[LottieLou]

Hi,

I have very low self confidence and confidence in situations for example putting my views across to people esp people 'older and wiser' than me and since doing Dbt I have started trying to act and come across confident even if I'm not, but I think this often dosnt come across how I want it too as it's very alien to me and think some times I can come across as being cocky or hard faced when really I'm not at all I'm desperately trying not to be walked all over!

[piercepd]

Ah man, this is one I'm working really hard on atm! I have zero self-confidence & no assertiveness, doing everything to please others & never pushing for what I want (too nice for my own good.) so I'm trying to get some balance that I matter as well & being confident. However, in these early stages & whenever I've tried to do it before, I tend to go too far the other way & get accused of being arrogant (given that I've no internal way of knowing how I "should" be.) Annoyingly, the guy "the girl" is currently with is one of those massively uncaring, arrogant people & I'm trying not to let it get to me as I know that's the only facet he has. However. No, I digress.

The best way I've heard it put is that "being confident means you're secure in yourself, being arrogant is when you're acting confident because of your own self loathing which makes you negative to others: projection."

[Hopeangel]

Wow that's so true Piercepd!

I think that's right, when we are trying to be assertive for the first few times we may go too far the other way until we settle on the right balance.

I would agree totally that arrogance is just another way low confidence is played out! I am in my forties now and have gained much more confidence in my own opinions and private thoughts, therefore I don't really feel the need to argue with someone (unless it was something that directly affects me or mine of course!) They can just be 'right' if they like and I will plod on with my own thoughts and values intact! It keeps the peace and I don't feel most things to be worth arguing about.

If something IS worth me fighting for I will though, like getting help for my daughter for example! For me I just weigh up is it even worth any potential bad feeling and usually it isn't as we are all entitled to our own opinion anyway and also I sometimes have thought I was right and through maturity I now see the other person' view and am glad I kept my mind open and didn't just plain disagree!

Nowadays I equate being 'agreeable' and pleasant as a strength as I will not be swayed easily from my true inner belief system but even that is flexible the more I learn about everything, all this has come to me with age, not much matters enough to get on my high horse about (except when it does lol)!

To me confidence is a quiet thing! Not a shouty, ram it down people's throats thing!

Sorry Lottie - I just saw your post too and I think in the case of trying to be confident for your own growth just carry on and 'fake it till you make it' you will know when you've made it as you wont feel the need to anymore but all power to you - just get there your own way and in your own time, and Pierce too, you will strike that balance - until then just do what you gotta do! xx

[piercepd]

It's been a great revelation when my friend said that to me! I've recently started on a book called "too nice for your own good" (link here: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Too-Nice-Your-Good-Self-Sabotaging/dp/0446673862/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1388426836&sr=8-1&keywords=too+nice+for+your+own+good) which I'd highly recommend to anyone!!! I tend to highlight passages in my selfhelp books & this one is pretty much all highlighter!!

Amen on quiet confidence. I think it's a stage thing, stage one is no confidence, stage two is loud, stage three is calm & quiet & just confident in yourself without having to prove it every second.

I think you're right on being "agreeable & pleasant", it's still a good thing, just needs tempering a bit!

And yeah, I've just started to fight for what I want. It's a new experience & is taking a lot of people by surprise!!

Lottie: exactly! As with so many aspects of this, it's having no personal guide to how you should do so you need other people telling you how the first few (hundred) times until it becomes habit!!!