My Dog Has Anxiety Issues

[lovehatebrains]

I've lived with my dog since I turned 18. I'm 25 now, but it feels like a lifetime. I barely remember a time before I got my dog. I decided to call him Ralph.

Ralph is a massive bundle of energy. He's always wagging his tail about, running up to everybody, even strangers, trying to jump up, trying to lick their faces. He's playful and intelligent and knows quite a few tricks. He's a handsome dog. He loves affection and will usually give it back in bucketloads. Quite a few people like waggy-tailed Ralph, and I'm told he has had a very positive effect on their lives. Sadly, I have considered, on several hundred occasions, having Ralph put to sleep.

As a tiny puppy, he was pretty quiet. In fact I sometimes wondered if he was in the house at all. I was very lonely and wished Ralph would be some comfort to me, but if anything his presence just made me feel emptier. I knew something wasn't quite right with him...For a while he refused to leave the house, apparently too scared of the outside world to get through the doorway, so I started to stay indoors with him. Sometimes I'd walk into a room to find the remains of a cushion or blanket that Ralph had shredded. I tried not to get annoyed, but I did wonder if I could train him better and started to read a little bit about how to do it. Unfortunately I think I used the wrong manuals, as things never got better. One day my life changed and Ralph and I had to move away. I met someone who I loved and loved me back.

My partner has never liked Ralph. I was 21 when we met and Ralph was still just an unruly puppy, taking up so much of our time and energy with his anxieties and destruction, needing constant reassurance that we weren't going to leave. When the arguments began, he became very scared, and crapped all over my partner's carpet whenever a voice was raised or a finger was pointed. As his fear grew he started to become aggressive, snarling, barking and showing his teeth whenever he felt threatened. A few times, even snapping out. My partner began to avoid Ralph entirely, shutting him in the kitchen and eventually refusing to even look at him or acknowledge his presence. He resented him with a passion. Whenever Ralph's cries could be heard from the kitchen, my partner became very angry and refused to speak to either of us, sometimes for several days. I was constantly apologising for Ralph. I hated him too after that, but I was torn. He was my dog, almost a part of me. I was supposed to look after him like a child.

So I kept defending him. After a couple of years he had developed yet more terrible habits, including chewing off all his own fur whenever he was ignored for too long, sometimes until he hit the skin and bled. Being ignored or abandoned was Ralph's worst fear, so he was a bag of nerves a lot of the time. He did start to go out and experience the world with me, which gave me great pleasure, but the moment we got back home, Ralph's behaviour became worrying again. Ralph looked up at my partner with watery eyes whenever he walked past. He cried whenever he came through the kitchen, nudging Ralph aside or cursing at him. Ralph pleaded for his attention and you could tell he felt completely shattered when he didn't get it. Their relationship was terrible and it was breaking ours. Birthdays and christmasses began to be ruined by the shaking and crying and silent resentment.

I decided once again to try training, but by this point Ralph had grown into a very large dog who was surprisingly powerful. He could pull me to the ground in a second. If I pushed too hard for change, he would show his teeth. I had a feeling he was capable of doing me serious harm. I started to have dreams about dying at the mercy of giant Ralph.

The vet said that medication was a promising option. This was a great relief to my partner. If Ralph couldn't be put out on the street, having him too drowsy to attack and cry was the next best thing. He didn't take well to the meds to start with and we had a few rough, sleepless nights, but after a few weeks his crying, clawing, biting, chewing and longing stopped altogether. Things could finally start to feel normal in my relationship again without his great big body shadowing our every move.

But somehow, things were not better. Ralph wasn't crying anymore. He spent the majority of his time lying flat on his back or gently pawing at a few of his toys. It felt like he was somewhere else. I missed Ralph and I was worried about him. He stopped trying to lick our faces. Stopped wagging his tail. It felt cruel, like he'd be better off dead than drained of his personality.

I took him off the tablets and decided to commit to an intensive, surely fool-proof training programme. Sometimes, I thought I could see progress in Ralph. We were out of the house every day, even working in the community where everybody loved Ralph's affections. He really seemed to be blossoming. Then, back home, the old thing would happen when he was ignored by my partner, he'd chew at his skin and bleed all over the kitchen floor and my partner would angrily tell me to mop it up.

One day after a bleed out my partner reached breaking point and said that if I couldn't get rid of Ralph by the time he was back from work that evening, we would both have to leave. This was somehow sensed and terrified Ralph, who tore the kitchen apart. The more Ralph was threatened, the more he misbehaved, and the more in jeopardy my relationship was.

I called the local animal shelters and none of them would take Ralph. They told me to take deep breaths, that people have dealt with worse dogs than Ralph, and that I must keep him until he dies. I looked into his eyes and pitied him, unwanted by anyone in the world. He licked and cried. Ralph had been an orphan puppy, a rescue, and I wondered if this was related to his problems now.

We're still sitting here, the two of us, wondering where to go and what to do. My partner means the world to us and we don't want to leave, we want the life we know we can have together. I love my dog and feel guilty for thinking about killing us both so often, but he can't keep ruling my life like this and ruining everything I value. I really don't think I have any way of getting rid of Ralph until he does naturally die. I'm looking for other people with dogs like him. It might be our only hope. Does anybody know what I am talking about? We need support.

Thank you for reading if you made it here,

Ellie

[lovehatebrains]

Ps. I am undiagnosed. My history is as follows:

Sexually abused by father between ages of 0-7. I only have memories of touching, but it is on my medical records as a doctor became concerned.

Parents divorced at 6, lots of court cases and a couple of house moves across the country.

Raised by single mother in relative poverty. She was well-meaning but clearly battling her own mental demons. Remarried a criminal in prison. Lots of visits to prisons. Emotional outbursts at home and then distance, solitary childhood feeling unable to express myself and feeling unimportant. Sister thrown out of the house at 16, feared being cut off too.

Left home at 17 to start life with an older man met on the internet. Turned out to be a paedophile. Found pictures on his computer.

Straight into another relationship. Married. Symptoms appeared, mostly of avoidance. Gave up on jobs, social life and leaving the house. Chronically empty and depressed. Slept for hours every day.

Husband arrested for indecent exposure. Decided to leave and start a new life. Felt better than ever.

Met my partner, fell in love, began meeting people, getting out, getting jobs, studying, generally doing brilliantly for the first time ever except for my symptoms of:

Rejection sensitivity

Suicidal thoughts

Self harm

Intense fear of being abandoned

Desperate efforts to stop this from happening

Low self-esteem

Outbursts of anger and irritability

Managed to get this under control quite a lot until faced with the silent treatment, being ignored or feeling rejected.

Diagnosed with GAD and given citalopram. Worked a charm for getting rid of the fears and suicidal thoughts, but killed my creativity and drive and made me completely, frighteningly numb below the waist. Diagnosed with depression and prescribed Trazodone instead, then Zispin, but didn't want to take them as I had done a mountain of reading and decided to really apply myself with mindfulness, supplements, CBT, DBT workbooks and keeping active in my life. It has only been a month but already my partner is demanding that I go back on citalopram or he will leave me.

A few points:

I have never felt fragmented or like I didn't know who I am. I know who I am, what I love in life, where to find pleasure. I have heaps of hobbies and interests, I have kept a good job for years now and am studying.

I do not act impulsively in any areas other than when I feel like I'm being abandoned. Then I self-harm, shout etc, but have never driven recklessly or drunk too much or done drugs or anything.

I have never actually attempted suicide, although the thoughts have been very frequent and scarily graphic.

Although bad words have escaped my lips when I'm being ignored by my partner, I have never hated him. I don't swing from idealisation to hatred, I simply adore him always and am always desperate for things to be fine between us and panic like crazy when they are not.

This is really a romantic relationship issue. For the past few years I have kept a good relationship with work colleagues etc and I never panic at work. I don't care if anyone else "abandons" me.

Despite the leaps I have made in my life "Ralph" is still majorly threatening our relationship and my existence. I'm here hoping to add another tool to my toolbox.

Thank you,

Ellie

[artemis84]

Hi Ellie, welcome to the forums.

I just wanted to reply and say that I was really touched by yours and Ralph's story. I have a puppy of my own and I already can't remember life without her, I totally understand why you feel so attached to Ralph. I really hope you can work out a way to make him happy as well as yourself. This may be a stupid question but have you tried contacting an animal behaviourist and asking for their advice? I'm sure there are many who would be only too happy to come and meet you both.

Like I said, welcome anyway. I hope you will find this a friendly and supportive place. I have certainly gained a lot from here.

Warm hugs to you and Ralph

[PDBPD]

Your dog isn't happy at home....you need to work that out and find a way for him to be happy

Steve

[Havehope]

there are animal psychologists...maybe they can help??

[lovehatebrains]

Thank you for the kind replies. I feel terrible as I don't know if my metaphor has duped you or if you're just playing along...I'd better break cover, there is no Ralph. I mean there is, but it's not a dog, it's my symptoms. I tend to run away with my creativity and thought my second post would clarify that that's what had happened! Does nobody else personify their problem? I've always done it. Sometimes it's a dog, a monster, a little girl. Strangely enough I don't have any psychotic/schizotypal symptoms, I'm just a poet at heart! So yes, to be ultra sure I'm being straight with you all, I'm just a person who thinks they probably have BPD, meeting 7 of the 9 criteria and having struggled since my teens.

[artemis84]

Ok, so now I feel stupid!

[lovehatebrains]

Don't, it's me being insanely quirky and you being compassionate. I adore animals too, I'd never keep a dog in such a state...shame I've kept myself in it for so long!

[Hopeangel]

Wow that is so beautifully put Ellie! Your story is so sad but your metaphor so beautiful and creative! You have a talent there! x

[johnbooth1963]

Winston Churchill was beset by his " black dog" meaning his depression state. Wonderful analogy Ellie .

[artemis84]

Don't, it's me being insanely quirky and you being compassionate. I adore animals too, I'd never keep a dog in such a state...shame I've kept myself in it for so long!

Reading your initial post back, it is obvious once you know! Nice analogy - I don't think Churchill bothered to name his dog

I agree though, I am far harder on myself than I would ever be to any animal. It's a shame we can't allow such compassion for ourselves.