Settng Sun Posted January 20, 2014 Report Share Posted January 20, 2014 karaindrou I've recently discovered that my main problem with my partner is my fear he wouldn't "do everything" to keep us together, or at least as effort as I ask him to, that he relies on me and my behaviour to work on it, and if I don't work it out, we won't work out too This is pretty much my situation, the only difference being that it's too late and that it's already happened. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted January 20, 2014 Report Share Posted January 20, 2014 i struggle with relationships... Find them quite difficult to manage... Being autistic and having bpd isnt easy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audrey_Hepburn Posted January 20, 2014 Author Report Share Posted January 20, 2014 karaindrou I've recently discovered that my main problem with my partner is my fear he wouldn't "do everything" to keep us together, or at least as effort as I ask him to, that he relies on me and my behaviour to work on it, and if I don't work it out, we won't work out too This is pretty much my situation, the only difference being that it's too late and that it's already happened. oh, no! I'm sorry to hear that. what has happened? :( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audrey_Hepburn Posted January 20, 2014 Author Report Share Posted January 20, 2014 karaindrou I've recently discovered that my main problem with my partner is my fear he wouldn't "do everything" to keep us together, or at least as effort as I ask him to, that he relies on me and my behaviour to work on it, and if I don't work it out, we won't work out too This is pretty much my situation, the only difference being that it's too late and that it's already happened. oh, no!! what happened? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Settng Sun Posted January 20, 2014 Report Share Posted January 20, 2014 How long have you got? To cut a long story short(ish). Basically, I've not been at all great the last 5 or 6 years but did not have the realisation that I had issues until a few months ago- I just shut myself away. A few months ago my partner found someone else and I gave my 'permission' for her to have that relationship - firstly because of her sexuality and because we agreed many years ago that polyamory was something we would try and secondly because I just wanted her to be happy, something that I have not made her for years. The upshot is that she tells me she made herself fall out of love with me because of who I became (I can understand that), no longer wants to be involved with me as anything other than a 'best friend', wants to separate and is head-over-heels in love with her new partner. We are all still living together right now because our children have special needs and also because finances are very tight. I made some decisions that I clearly wasn't in the right mind to make as regards things that have happened recently in the living situation and relationships and things have been very difficult for me as you can probably imagine. I'm still in love with her. She understands my issues and actually identified them, which I am very grateful for, but it's all too late. Now I flip-flop between being upset that she could have done more and understanding why she had to distance herself from me and find someone else. That's the abridged version anyway Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
panicatacgirl Posted February 6, 2014 Report Share Posted February 6, 2014 we dont! .. my longest is nearly ended .. 3 years i dont know if he hates me or if he's just selfish , or if i'm stupid or ultra paranoid, .. or if it even matters . or IF I EVEN CARE! i think I NEED HIM , but i dont LOve him but sometimes i think i love him and in other ways I"M SURE I DONT NEED HIM Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maggiemac46 Posted February 8, 2014 Report Share Posted February 8, 2014 I've been with my partner 11 years and was diagnosed 8 years ago..at times it's not easy..he was bought up in a healthy happy home so when he sees me chaotic he just goes to bed..some would say that's harsh. I leave at night I self harm then return home he doesn't know until the morning or needs to collect me from hospital. It's not ideal but I love him and he never thought he would be in a relationship with someone like me..so I cope on a solitary capacity.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
velvetcrabman Posted February 13, 2014 Report Share Posted February 13, 2014 I managed an 18 year marriage, divorced last year, but still friends, she is a CPN and has a few psychosis of her own so things were definately "interesting", most of managing I think was recognising that I had problems and sometimes wasn't capable of being sociable or became impulsive/irritable/raged against the machine, I tended to take time away, long walks with the dog, rough camping or just go sit in the fishing boat, the key really seems to be giving each other space when it's needed and getting close when it's not.. we actually seperated when she chose to chase her career, with my blessing, and I chose not to live in a city, after the last of kids left home (I was main carer for them too) we made the mutual decision to get divorced, both cried when we did too, lol, and neither attempted to have a relationship yet! It's definately possible to maintain a long term relationship with BPD, but it's also definately extremely difficult. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audrey_Hepburn Posted February 21, 2014 Author Report Share Posted February 21, 2014 we dont! .. my longest is nearly ended .. 3 years i dont know if he hates me or if he's just selfish , or if i'm stupid or ultra paranoid, .. or if it even matters . or IF I EVEN CARE! i think I NEED HIM , but i dont LOve him but sometimes i think i love him and in other ways I"M SURE I DONT NEED HIM OMG, I feel exactly the same about loving and needing one day I feel I love him, then the next I feel I don't love him just that I need him, then I feel I don't need him... but then I'm afraid he's getting enough of me :( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Safiya Posted February 23, 2014 Report Share Posted February 23, 2014 Hm ... relationships and BPD ... I had no idea that I had BPD until a few months ago. But looking back I can see I always had it, and had appalling,chaotic relationships, that always ended badly. Usual horrible BD stuff. Until last year I was in a long term relationship, since separated. The separation has been tough, but I know it was necessary, as I can see exactly how dependant I was. Maybe we'll get back together again, but right now I know I have to really own myself and my issues and get help for them so I can manage on my own. I was hiding behind the relationship before, completely, and actually hiding from myself. Pretending that everything was fine/that I was a fully functioning, card carrying adult, you know? But I could only hide from myself for so long; I started to unravel and as I did, so did my relationship. I'm lucky, there is still love there and we co-parent successfully. My ex partner understands that I need space to sort myself out (and become myself??) We'll always have a relationship because of the kids; it's just a case of where that relationship will go in future. In some ways I think maybe I ought to have just stayed with my head in the sand, hiding from myself, because it was only once I started facing up to myself and my problems that things started going wrong in the relationship. Yet it was a heavy price to pay, this hiding from myself/dependency - and it was suffocating me and making me hugely depressed, plus arguments all the time, something had to give. Also aware that my ex has issues too, around almost becoming a 'caretaker' of me and tbh I was sick of being 'looked after' to that extent, like I was a small child who couldn't do anything for themselves. Don't get me wrong; am tremendously grateful for much that he did (and does) but equally it was holding me back from trying to get better, if that makes sense? I was feeling angry and resentful and like I was desperate to grow and have space. I don't know if this is all relevant to this thread or not, but it's been my most recent experience of having a relationship and having BPD. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Settng Sun Posted February 24, 2014 Report Share Posted February 24, 2014 In some ways I think maybe I ought to have just stayed with my head in the sand, hiding from myself, because it was only once I started facing up to myself and my problems that things started going wrong in the relationship. Yet it was a heavy price to pay, this hiding from myself/dependency - and it was suffocating me and making me hugely depressed, plus arguments all the time, something had to give. This is extremely familiar to the point of me possibly asking you if you've read my mind! The 'head in the sand' option is one that still feels so safe to me but I know in the long run it won't help me one iota. It's so much less work, though. *sigh* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Safiya Posted February 25, 2014 Report Share Posted February 25, 2014 Yes, it is a lot less work, in certain respects, to 'act as if' - but the price I paid for doing so got progressively heavier : ( I got to a point where I could not live in denial anymore - and the fact that I was hiding from myself/not living an authentic life was bringing on panic attacks and anxiety and severe depressions - and I was irritable and drinking and ... none of it good, you know? When I faced up to myself things didn't get better overnight at all but certain things went, or reduced significantly - enough for me to know that hard as the path that I have chosen is, it has to be the right one for everyone in the long run. I now consider myself to be in recovery - even if it's early on for me on that road - and I just know that I have to do this on my own (support is lovely, but no one can do this for me and I can't hide behind anyone) - so that I can get better but also so that I am not involving anyone else in that process and them getting tangled up/hurt in it. I don't know if any of this makes sense to anyone else, but it does to me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Settng Sun Posted February 25, 2014 Report Share Posted February 25, 2014 And to me. I especially identify with the fact that things didn't improve immediately at all and I did question whether I had done the right thing. However, with things being a lot more stable with me now and with me feeling as though I am in recovery, I realise that I absolutely did the right thing. That said, I do think I am in a place where I could be with someone now. I've completely forgotten how to go about actually meeting someone, though, it's been that long! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Safiya Posted February 26, 2014 Report Share Posted February 26, 2014 I'm not sure I was ever very good at going about meeting someone tbh - I've never gone out and looked. Or felt like I had the skills to do things that way. I just seem to have met people on my travels through life - work, college, via friends - all that stuff. Was never any good at doing that going out on the town to meet someone thing. Don't think i've ever met someone in that way that I've then gone on to have a relationship with. I'm not sure if that's a good or a bad thing; I suppose it just 'is'. I still question if I have done the right thing but usually decide that I have. I am so glad that you have reached a similar conclusion, for yourself and as regards your own situation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nxi Posted March 4, 2014 Report Share Posted March 4, 2014 I just let him know what I've got, and I've made him read up on what it means. I'm careful that when I'm just being a bitch, I say sorry I was being a bitch, as opposed to sorry, my brain got in the way of me. It's lasted 16 years now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pennx Posted March 5, 2014 Report Share Posted March 5, 2014 I've sabotaged every relationship I've had up until my current. We met August 24th 2013 and moved in together December 13. I can honestly say he has made me content. I'm lucky because he does not smother me, but makes sure that I know I am loved every single day. Even if it's just a whisper before I fall asleep at night. I truly believe one day a person can enter our lives and make things "ok". Now, rather than want to isolate and be alone, I isolate +1. We don't have to speak, touch, or even be in the same room, but just to know he is there and will be there is all I need. It's the first time I've ever had not desire or urge to cheat. And he is no superhero, he still drives me mad and I have to tell him 6 times to do the dishes and then do them myself and pees on the bathroom floor and leaves his dirty clothes in a heap on the floor 6ft from the wash bin. But he is now a part of me and a part of my jigsaw I so frantically try to piece together, he is the one permanent fragment. And I know that because he has need for me too. Everyone has someone but it's just a case of finding them. I wish you all every success and happiness for the future. Never give up x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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