cheeky_lilly Posted January 18, 2014 Report Share Posted January 18, 2014 It happened for the first time since a few years time... If I cannot die from an obvious sucide, what about starving myself to death... Long and painful... But how exact..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Threemoons Posted January 18, 2014 Report Share Posted January 18, 2014 I already tried that a few times and honestly it never works. It's too long, too painful, people will force feed you... Not a good choice, really. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lalissa Posted January 20, 2014 Report Share Posted January 20, 2014 starving yourself is a long and painful road to misery cheeky lily.. : ( what's happening? do you know why you are thinking about this? (((hugs))) lali xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cheeky_lilly Posted January 20, 2014 Author Report Share Posted January 20, 2014 Hi lali, hi three moons, I think it is because I am not coping atm. I know it is probably understandable because exam period started and I struggle my way through all of te bad things that are happening (two of my close family members got very ill and at hospital- which affects the ones I love most). Then I put the front around my family- and I am drained. When I am away from home there is finally a release. I feel bad as I shouldn't feel this way... What I mean is I should be happy- I have everything I need but still I'm struggling with myself... I feel that need for punishment which I know is wrong... Sometimes it's so overwhelming and lasts days instead of hours..... Called the crisis team when I felt like that when I wrote it. And now I feel embarrassed that I should have managed to cope by myself... So instead of helping me in the long run I feel embarrassed I didn't manage on my own which is awful.... I am so tired with myself... I am the most exhausting person in the world I guess Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lalissa Posted January 21, 2014 Report Share Posted January 21, 2014 aw hon, sounds like you have a lot of stuff to deal with and cope with right now, try not to be too hard on yourself.. you can't help feeling the way you do you can only do your best, so well done for posting and well done for calling the crisis team even if you feel embarrassed by it, it might help to just let people know you are struggling, easier said than done i know.. how is it going today? xx lali xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cheeky_lilly Posted January 21, 2014 Author Report Share Posted January 21, 2014 Hi... I don't know... But got praised today that I called crisis team... But it feels wrong. Does anyone else feel like they just want life to pass as quickly as possible as it is too much struggle...?? I am not enjoying my life atm :( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Threemoons Posted January 22, 2014 Report Share Posted January 22, 2014 I think that praise shouldn't feel wrong, I want to praise you too because calling crisis line is not easy sometimes but it's the right thing to do if you feel it is. How went the call? I too would like to accelerate time. I don't enjoy my life at the moment, it's only a waiting phase. They say I have approximately 6 months to wait and God that's slow! What is missing you to enjoy your life more? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lily-Bee Posted January 23, 2014 Report Share Posted January 23, 2014 You know feeling are never wrong, they just are, theyre like clouds in the sky forever changing. There is no sense in being angry with yourself for whatever feelings you may have.... And you do not have to be anything including happy, if youre not happy then youre not happy! It sounds to me like a big part is you not taking yourself seriously, you need some self compassion I think. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cheeky_lilly Posted January 23, 2014 Author Report Share Posted January 23, 2014 I just feel like wherever i go and whatever I do and whatever I engage with I am just getting upset and tired all the time... It seems to be that even a theoretically positive events make me more tired and upset. And it's frustrating as I know they would bring laughter before... And now they don't and there is nothing I am happy about or nothing I would be looking forward to each day. I know what is missing- that enjoyment of small things that I used to have. I don't even like food- and it's such a basic need. Can I ask you threemoons what is happening in 6 months time? Lily bee I am lacking loads of self compassion but it is hard... But I am sure everyone knows how hard it is... Just don't know what to chane and how to change... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Threemoons Posted January 23, 2014 Report Share Posted January 23, 2014 Sure you can ask. 6 months is the delay after which I'll know if I'm admitted to a professional reeducation center. I don't succeed in working at classic workplaces so this center is hope for me. Hope that I can learn to function more and build a professional life. I so need it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cheeky_lilly Posted January 23, 2014 Author Report Share Posted January 23, 2014 I hope you will succeed Threemoons- it does sound as an amazing opportunity... Hope it will work best for you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Threemoons Posted January 24, 2014 Report Share Posted January 24, 2014 Thank you, Lilly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cheeky_lilly Posted January 26, 2014 Author Report Share Posted January 26, 2014 This scary thought is with me. Things got difficult again because of a really sad situation. It's not just me as it influenced everyone. But I feel like I am taking their pain on me and thoughts about starving myself via self harm got more intense. I struggle with ocd more than usual. I don't want this ocd to ruin the rest of my life. I jdinstal want food to rule my life as well. I don't want it to be an indicator of happiness or sadness. I don't know how to change it though.... So scared Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Threemoons Posted January 27, 2014 Report Share Posted January 27, 2014 Please remember these are just thoughts, you don't have to act on them. I'm sorry you're having a hard time with your OCD. Do you want to talk more about what's going on? Sometimes it's good to take things out of your chest. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cheeky_lilly Posted January 27, 2014 Author Report Share Posted January 27, 2014 I cannot really talk about that... but its a difficult situation for everyone...tragic news... and I struggle... I just dont want to eat. I resticed my intake a lot for last 2 weeks. But I cannot seem to lose weight. If I saw I lost some I would stop. But because I dont lose anything i am afraid I will be huge if I start eating. I guess it is my coping mechanism when I struggle to cope with difficulties... and a less obvious form of self-harm that is not visible to the others... Cannot cut as have a big anniversary party of my friend and i cannot have fresh marks... I dont have pills to just overdose a bit... and i know I cannot do the overdoses because too afraid someone is going to know and I will be kicked out from uni... I just want to have control at least over SOMETHING in my life.... I need to regain some control otherwise its just pointless now Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Threemoons Posted January 28, 2014 Report Share Posted January 28, 2014 I hear you and you're right, anyone has to have at least a bit of sense of control over their life. Just the way we tend to do it is unhealthy cause we are ill. I wish someone could teach you better ways of coping. Obviously you can't hurt yourself if you want to stay at uni. I don't think you'll be huge if you eat, cause you don't allow enough calories for that. I bet this restriction is messing with your intellectual abilities too, the brain suffers when its calories needs are not matched. Maybe you could add just a very little bit more in your meals so you would be able to better concentrate on your work? I know it's bloody hard for you. Still supporting you though, I've tonnes of nice smiles for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cheeky_lilly Posted January 28, 2014 Author Report Share Posted January 28, 2014 I see psychiatrist tomorrow... a new one... I don't know why.. It will probably be an hour but I wont manage to mention all of my issues... I will need to prioritise... and I am not sure if I want to mention my dislike towards food atm.. Threemoons- thank you for that tonnes of smies- smiles usually help me! I hope my therapist will teach m better ways of coping soon.... I need him to! So bloody difficult!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Threemoons Posted January 29, 2014 Report Share Posted January 29, 2014 You telling him about your relation to food is entirely your choice. You'll need to say it in order to recover but only you can decide when the moment is right for this. May I suggest you write all your issues on a piece of paper and them prioritising them from the top to the bottom of the list? It's something that I do when I need to, it helps with the confusion in my head. Maybe you can benefit of it too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cheeky_lilly Posted February 3, 2014 Author Report Share Posted February 3, 2014 Hi, So loads of things went wrong recently. Two of people I had a relation with died suddenly. There is grief among others in my environment and I struggled with supporting them. I haven't eaten since last wednesday. I started a bit yesterday and today. But I just tried to force into myself one cooked sweet potato and managed half of it- I felt sick otherwise. I lose a few pounds. I am not in a healthy weight. How do I start eating if I feel sick even welhem I smell food? How do I cope with that? Anyone??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Threemoons Posted February 3, 2014 Report Share Posted February 3, 2014 Hi Lilly. I've had issues recently about feeling sick with the smell of foods, as my emetophobia came back. Having some pills of anti-nausea in sight helps a bit, even if I don't take them. But basically, you have to eat small amounts, even with the sense of sickness. Start small and notice that you've eaten without being really sick. Then increase slowly the amount of food you take. But only if you're used to the small amount first. Maybe you could counter the smells with parfume? And an important thing is also that you let yourself have time to grieve if you need. I'm sorry for your family's loss. You're very brave, Lilly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cheeky_lilly Posted February 3, 2014 Author Report Share Posted February 3, 2014 So you know how long can one exist with no food at all??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Threemoons Posted February 3, 2014 Report Share Posted February 3, 2014 No, I don't know that. Why do you ask? (You can PM me anytime if you don't want to say in public.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cheeky_lilly Posted February 3, 2014 Author Report Share Posted February 3, 2014 I am just wondering how much I could handle without visible symptoms to the others... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Threemoons Posted February 3, 2014 Report Share Posted February 3, 2014 Visible symptoms come quick I think. it can be seen by the weight loss on your body and also by your behavior, as the brain suffers from lack of sugar. Try to eat small amounts three times a day so you stay in the social concept of three meals. It's important to fuel your body so it isn't too weak. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cheeky_lilly Posted February 3, 2014 Author Report Share Posted February 3, 2014 Oh god. I really dont want to atm/... just not yet..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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