Anyone With Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style?

[Kara.]

I was wondering if there is someone around who has been able to work through and change his/her fearful-avoidant attachment style and form secure relationships?

Thank you.

x

[Saharah Blue]

The best way to this to interact and find someone who will model how this works. I have been leaning on my foster parents a good deal of my adult life to help see how people are suppose to treat one another. It helps, but it has never steered me clear of choosing emotionally unavailable partners.

Attachment styles can only improve they are never going to dramatically change from avoidant to secure. There are things we can do to tap into the secure mindset. Below is from the book, "Attached, The New Science of Adult Attachment" The fear doesn't go away, but what we do with it is up to us. Even now I read this and think but wait that is what I need, how am I suppose to be that to someone else? The other part of it, is that both partners need to see the value in providing a secure base for one another. If only one person is making all the effort it is going to eventually lead to resentment. It can't be a situation where you sacrifice own needs for the other.

"One of the most important roles we play in our partners' lives is providing a secure base: creating the conditions that enable our partners to pursue their interests and explore the world in confidence. specific behaviors underlie this broad term. You too can provide a secure base by adopting the following secure behaviors:

Be available: Respond sensitively to their distress, allow them to be dependent on you when they feel the need, check in with them from time to time, and provide comfort when things go wrong.

Don't interfere: Provide behind-the-scenes support for their endeavors. Help them in a way that leaves them with initiative and the the feeling of power. Allow them to do their own thing without trying to take over the situation., micromanage, or undermine their confidence and abilities.

Encourage: Provide encouragement and be accepting of their learning and person growth goals. Boost their self-esteem."

[brisbane]

Hey Karaindrou,

Its a good question you're asking. Is that your attachment style... fearful avoidant?

I recently did some online test things and resonate with being avoidant. I was reflecting though how probably only a shortish while ago i would have also scored highly on the fearful part, but now, having a partner who has been there through my emotional craziness and fears has really helped heal that. On one particular occasion where I thought I had pushed her away but didn't, i re-felt the abandonment i had as a kid from my mum leaving, and a big healing took place... extremely painful but extremely healing. I still know that at any point my partner could opt out, but i don't fear it all the time and i don't always expect it to happen... its a really lovely thing... to have some level of security. And this is my longest relationship... its only 4 ish months now... but for me that is downright amazing and due in large to her support.

And while i'm not qualified in psychology or anything, I do believe that people can heal their attachment styles. I think that over time and with help from oneself, one's partner/ freinds and therapy other supports this stuff can change. For example at group today (i do dbt) i was in tears telling them that i was contemplating not coming back to group after lunch, like seriously, and if i did that i'd be out of the program because all my spare days are used up. And i told them it was just "too hard" to stay. And i can see how much trouble i have about being with my emotions and sharing them... and coming close... and even the difficulty of staying in situations/ relationships through the good, bad and hard times. I think my group and talking about this and then deciding to go back after lunch is a practical way to add a little chink in my strength to overcome my avoidance... this is a good place to become less avoidant... and to voice the challenges it brings up for me. Its the same every time i work through an issue with a friend or my partner. Slowly slowly but surely perhaps?

It isn't easy though, change is always hard and for me can take a fair bit or repetition. My partner is the opposite end of the attachment spectrum to me, being fearful and the opposite of avoidant. So life can be interesting, with me trying to pull away and her trying to come closer. I hate it that i'm often not meeting her needs for closeness, and i'm not always there to reassure her when she's fearful. And yet we're still having a mighty good go at working through this stuff, awareness really helps, backed up by the care and concern and love and connection.

That's some rambles from Brisbane would like to hear more about your experience xxx

[Kara.]

Thank you Saharah and birsibane. I will certainly have a look at that book Saharah.

I did a test online that came out a avoidant though i would certainly identify a lot with preoccupied.

My longest relationship was 8 years with a secure attached partner. All my relationships after that have been with avoidant people that have triggered massively my abandonment fears. At the moment i can't engage in any romantic contact as i fear abandonment far too much. I go from missing being in a relationship to not wanting or even needing one.

Perhaps because i am working on deep ingrained fears and insecurities in therapy, i've been feeling rejected, unloved, used, humiliated, even with friends. It drives me crazy, also because i attack them in endless dialogues/fights of righteousness that happen in my mind. I wish i could just be. With people. I wish i could just be with me.

The fact that i'm pretty much alone in the world makes me feel really scared of engaging in relationships as i feel that i need them desperately.

The thought of being possible to change an attachment style is of course so hopeful, but the reality of it.... even if possible is so incredibly hard!!

xxxx

[lalissa]

hiya,

i think it is possible to change your attachment issues, and i agree it is a long slow process, well, maybe they can't be entirely changed in all cases, but can be managed instead? if we understand our triggers and fears, and perhaps with a GOOD therapist that models Saharah's points above..

gotta have hope right??!

xxx lali

[Saharah Blue]

Karindou,

I don't want to give you false hope about the book. Although the first few chapters are up to date about attachment studies, the book itself is a dating booking. I made this mistake when I bought it. Thinking it was more of a study on attachment issues beyond, Bowlby. It is written with a positive tone and talks about why there are so few "secure" types in the dating pool to begin with.etc... then it gives a series of dating scenarios in which you learn to identify the 3 basic attachment groups and teaches you how to identify a better partner for yourself etc...

It did not say anything along the lines of healing, cure, or it being at all possible to change your attachment style. But it was far from a hopeless read. And does offer encouragement on how to adopt secure behavior to improve your own ability to attract a good partner. There was even one scenario where a girl had serious issues of abandonment and rejection and learned how to date, which increased her confidence. So although her attachment style did not change, her ability to learn to deal with rejection, improved her dating situation greatly.

you might want to try it on kindle before splashing out for a hard copy.

[Kara.]

Worry not Saharah. My hopes are what keep me going anyway so i guess that between thinking that we can, as you said, learn how to deal with one's attachment style, and try to make some changes through therapy and positive relationships, lies a whole range of possibilities that need to be explored. Anyhow i've read contradictory opinions about that attachment style 'healing' lets say. That's why i asked if someone had experienced change...

However, the book sounds great fun. I've just checked it and one of the authors is actually a psychiatrist and neuroscientist. I'll check it up in greater detail. Thanks :-)