Caliban Posted January 22, 2014 Report Share Posted January 22, 2014 I just started searching for self help forums and in only a few clicks ended up here...... I am 53 years old and always angry , I have no friends and no healthy family relationships. I have tried to get Psychiatric help/intervention but these last years have been unable to attract serious attention. My heart says blood will get them to notice , theirs preferably but by mind says keep still. I never felt "like" anyone else , I never got what they're talking about , the words seem meaningless and false ,Nothing they value means anything to me , I hear lies when there should be truth and never have anything to say back. I have shot myself , cut myself , taken overdoses , and drunk myself into the gutter , I used Heroin and am currently addicted to Tramadol courtesy of an old GP. And Yup I hate him too. I have no idea what I am supposed to do anymore , I can awake with an overbearing rage and desire to lash out , I feel full of anger so huge I will die expressing it. My only salvation is my dog , if not for him I fear my behaviour would spiral out of control in no time at all , but I would not see harm to him or see him put in a kennel for unwanted dogs. The burden of responsibility on him is huge , his tiny soul and huge heart seem oblivious to the size of his role , what a wonderful creature . If more humans were dogs I would have friends. I have read through some definitions of BPD's and I personally have no doubt they apply to me , when I was 18 one shrink did enter social behaviour disorder on my medical records , does that count ? And if not what am I , just a mean old man? Thanks for a place to shout Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brisbane Posted January 22, 2014 Report Share Posted January 22, 2014 Hey Caliban, welcome to the forum... and thank you for sharing so openly about yourself. The bond and friendship you have with your dog sounds beautiful. i'm sorry its been so hard for you to relate and connect to others. i've struggled a lot with relationships of all sorts in my life... not through rage... more through fear... but with the same sorts of outcomes. have you got any further avenues you can contact for support to help improve your relationships in life... professional or support groups or others...? i'm sure you have much to offer people as you do your dog... you need not be so alone. and keep posting on here, we are real people! I'm not sure what sort of dog you have, sorry if you're not into big dogs, but i wanted to post my old mate Georgia here. Brisbane Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Havehope Posted January 22, 2014 Report Share Posted January 22, 2014 welcome to the forum Caliban...I hope you'll find this site helpful....I`m fairly new myself here and it's been cathartic.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted January 22, 2014 Report Share Posted January 22, 2014 hello there Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Threemoons Posted January 22, 2014 Report Share Posted January 22, 2014 Hi and warm welcome aboard. Here you have all the place you need to voice your concerns and shout. We are humans and we are friendly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lily-Bee Posted January 23, 2014 Report Share Posted January 23, 2014 Hi, It must feel horrible to feel so angry all the time. I am guessing you have been through a lot as a child and it left you angry, addressing past experiences might help you. May I ask why youve not been offered help? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted January 24, 2014 Report Share Posted January 24, 2014 Took the words out my mouth lily Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
angel tears Posted February 4, 2014 Report Share Posted February 4, 2014 Hey there and welcome to the forums . I can remember my days living with a lot of rage, especially when I was younger and it was absolutely awful for me and those around me. It took me many years if therapy to calm down because I was holding a lot of stuff inside and when it started to come out it wouldn't stop and I was like puking out venom and hatred and disgust!!!. I also self harmed at that time in my life because I couldn't cope with how I felt and how I was acting and I also believed that I deserved to hurt because nobody else was hurting me and making me feel like shit. I threw plates, put holes in the walls, smashed stuff and cut myself, it was really a dark period in my life but it has gotten to a better level now and I mostly cope with anger but it is still difficult!!. Meds have also helped me a lot. When I am not on them I become unstable so I am sticking with them. Whatever you have you are welcome here Animals are me best friends too, I love my cats like my family. xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lalissa Posted February 12, 2014 Report Share Posted February 12, 2014 hey caliban, welcome.. sounds like the rage, the pain and the loneliness are eating you up, there's always hope, a lot of people here are on journeys through similar things.. a dog is a great antidote to burning rage.. xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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