So Depressed

[addy2]

I have dysmithia don't know how to spell it, it means chronic low mood, then I bouts of major depressive disorder as well I think I have slipped in the major depression without realising it. I spend all day in bed, I have lost weight I want to feel hungry as strange as that sounds, I have no interest or motivation in anything I don't even want to go to the shop to get what I need, I drag myself to my kids cascade meeting on wed and last night I had to take my 10yr old to look around the local grammar she hopes to go there. I was just so switched of and not there, my therapist cancelled this week and he hasn't called since I don't really care I could walk away from them all now quite easily. Does this all sound like depression? My partner is back but I don't want him here I only let him stay for our kids anything I do now is for them and even that's a struggle. I just don't care anymore I feel I am just going through the motions of life there is no pleasure in nothing x

[brisbane]

hi addy, sorry its so tough for you right now. loosing interest and pleasure in things and wanting to sleep all the time are often symptoms of my depression. maybe even though you don't want to this could be a good time to contact your therapist to get another appointment to let him know how hard it is right now, to get some extra support? Has anything helped in the past to get through the major depressive episodes? xx

[addy2]

Hi brisbane, no nothing seems to work not even meds which i started before christmas. I am hoping he will call me next week i hate running after him he knew things were bad but hes obviously not worried. What i hate is that at times i really try i get up and out and do stuff even taking part in a panto but its all crap i just feel so unhappy and just want to be at home on my own and hide. xx

[brisbane]

i hear you on that one addy, the relief of being at home xxx

sometimes i go out and do stuff in the hope that it will shift my mood in the long run, but really i just want to be in my room reading or painting or writing on here, and all i get is a little sense of achievement for having gone out. long term depression is a really hard one. i swing in and out of it, currently am in it. i hope some help and light comes your way soon addy, keep posting here. do you yourself have any ideas on why depression comes up for you... like triggers or causes? sometimes i feel like i'm causing my depression by how i live my life (not striving for much, difficulties in relationships etc). sorry if that's a totally annoying question, write what's important to you xxx

[addy2]

I wish I knew what triggered it, it just seems to come in it starts with a heaviness like a weight a sadness and then it hits and I just seem to go numb and switch of like it takes over. I stay in bed but nothing feels good so its pointless getting up and trying. I do sometimes try and do something to see if it will help but it never does everything just feels like its all changed and sad like I've gone away if that makes sense. Its a horrible feeling it can last for up to six months if its really bad. Sorry to hear you feel the same brisbane xx

[Threemoons]

Hi! I'm sorry that you two are not feeling well. I give you tonnes of hugs and love. Wish I could help more.

[PDBPD]

Addy....you sound depressed to me...see your GP please. This type of depression can be dangerous and you must eat Addy

Steve

[addy2]

Thankyou threemoons and steve, I have given up telling them they don't listen. I did start meds before Christmas but they haven't helped and no matter what I do to try and help nothing has an effect I needed to speak to my therapist last week but he cancelled and all I could think was so what usually I would be annoyed but now I don't care he can't seem to help anyway xx

[SusieQ]

Addy - yes this is clearly depression. Sorry to hear it can last a whole six months. That must be so painful and hard, forgetting what ok feels like we can lose hope. I still think you can get help for this. Don't give up on the therapy or your gp. You will find a way to reduce this pain if you keep trying.

[maddy harper]

huge hugs addy

[addy2]

Thankyou both I had hoped getting out today would help but I ended up taking a migraine after a stressful evening that doesn't help my mood either. My therapist rang this morning and will see me tomorrow at group and one to one on wed it helped abit to talk to him though maybe I need to just talk all the time, sorry I'm rambling my head is so sore xx

[Threemoons]

You don't have to be sorry for "rambling", this forum is here for that. If it helps, keep talking with us, we'll always be happy to lend you a non-judgemental ear.

[addy2]

Thanks threemoons things are really bad right now have no idea what to do anymore feeling scared and alone today even though I have therapy soon but I walked out of dbt group yesterday and he was there I couldn't cope with it anymore and rang lifeline for support they are ringing my therapist today it won't matter though I don't think he cares at all :(

[Threemoons]

Why do you think your therapist doesn't care? Has he showed signs of it? A therapist who wouldn't care would be a shame. Keep holding on, we are many with you;

[PDBPD]

How are you Addy?

Steve

[addy2]

Hi Steve, things are so bad right now, my therapist was upset he said he was concerned by my behaviour and how depressed I looked I said I have tried to tell you. He wanted me to commit to staying safe I just broke down and said I cant anymore I have never done that before. He said because I wasn't safe he had to tell someone so he spoke to the duty officer who spoke to me my therapist wanted me put in hospital I said no it creates so much anxiety so the spoke about it then called my gp and they all said I could go home if I agreed to take a call from them tonight and tomorrow I would nearly put a bet on no one will call. That was the beginning they rang social services who rang me and then called here they wanted to tell my partner about the od on Saturday I said no way so I have until Friday and if I don't tell him she will, like what is she at, I am so depressed I cant cope and shes adding more. I wish I had went to hospital now I cant take anymore right now

[I_Love_Cheeses]

I really hope something has happened to bring you out of this mood a little. I know how it feels and I also know how annoying it is when other people try to "help" by offering advice that you know won't work - doctors advising you to cheer up, get out and enjoy the sunshine, go and see your family (and so on). When you're depressed, there's nothing that works, that's how it feels. But I hope you do read this to the end!

I recently found out by experience that the heaviness and weight of "down-ness" we describe as "depression" comes because of the PAIN of something that made you angry, hurt and rejected - or feelings like that - and triggered even deeper memories of similar feelings. Pain that is too much to bear openly, so it's driven inside.

I found out that if I dug around bravely and found the reason - the thing that really upset me and angered me or hurt me - I could get some FEELING back into my numbness, and THAT opened the door to dealing with the root cause.

In other words, repressing the pain and hurt and anger leads to the depression. So if you can motive yourself enough to rediscover the raw feeling behind it, you can REACT, and get free.

For instance, if you remember what happened, you can get screaming ANGRY (on your own) and shout at the walls, and hit things (cushions, not walls or people LOL) and swear and get it OUT. Then what happens next is you start crying - and when you can, when you can sob and sob and FEEL the pain, you can break free of the depression too.

This sounds like a really painful way to solve a problem - I know - but at some point the depression gets so annoying that you'd try anything to escape it and start feeling again. So I hope this helps a little.

[addy2]

I get what your saying and it makes perfect sense but part of the problem has been feeling the pain because I also suffer from complex ptsd its not good for me to go that deep without support and I don't have the support to do that right now. When I feel the pain I self harm which causes more pain for me and others, I was supposed to go back into therapy to deal with all the issues which you are right do cause my depression but no one is willing to take me on they said I,m too unstable to do that work so it seems I am stuck in the depression, until someone is willing to listen to me and support me in the way I need, thankyou for your reply xx

[PDBPD]

Addy...what if anything could you change in your life??

Steve

[addy2]

How I feel , I would like not be scared of everything or wake up feeling so low that I don't want to get up I don't know what I need to change to change how I feel I try, I try to keep going to function and do to things but that feeling of sadness and fear always seem to follow me also the feeling of never being good enough nothing I ever do is right there is too much to change Steve but I think I would start with how I feel I would like to feel better or even just content x

[I_Love_Cheeses]

Are there simple basic things that have worked in the past? Just anything that might ease the pressure, take away some of the sadness and get you through it? I'm not talking major work here, just things like (I don't know) music, reading, a movie, eating, chatting to friends or whatever YOU like best.

From what you described, I'm making a guess that these deep-seated feelings of unworthiness, sadness and fear have come from the trauma? I think you are right to be cautious about looking into that by yourself. Although overlaying the feelings with something, even if it's a hot bath, are not the real answer, it might just make things bearable. And knowing that people here are standing with you and listening to you helps, I hope!

[addy2]

It depends, on some days somethings work on other days nothing works if that makes sense, like I could decide to go for a walk today and it would be ok it would be a good distraction and I would be glad I went but on other days I would hate it I would hate walking and be angry and resentful that things I used to enjoy are now horrible, but I get what you mean, start small, I think just maybe talking helps, getting it out there and time there isn't much I can do until it passes even meds have no impact, but I will admit being in hospital helped a bit it took away all the pressure and allowed me to just stop and to just be and to just feel so depressed and allow it and acknowledge it its so frustrating though x

[I_Love_Cheeses]

I'm glad there are little chinks of light showing through the darkness. Being "allowed" to be depressed is important, yes, and not feeling that you are somehow wrong, bad or abnormal for it! Allowing yourself to grieve is just as important for your trauma as it would be for a bereavement or any other loss.