Kind Of In Trouble

[Jameskarl]

Spoiler SH and Suicide

I am 'BPD' and I have been waiting for two and a half years for treatment, all I have been offered is medication which does not work. I sleep about two hours a night and if I do get some sleep then I wake up with nightmares which scare the life out of me. I have PTSD as well but BPD is the main thing they think that I have. I have panic attacks and flashbacks all the time when I am awake. I just hate my life and I just want to escape my life so much. I am now being told that I will have to wait until the summer to get any talking therapy which is a p!ss take. I asked to see the new iAPT workers but I am to "complex" for them to deal with. Every drug has been tried and I feel like like they just throw medications at me that I feel nothing works. I walk around like a zombie.

I have been taking large amounts of co-codamol, a mean a lot and I know its really bad for me. How the hell to I get off it? If I can get off it then I can get some private therapy because I spend about £200 a month of co-codamol which I could use, so I have no money. The only thing I spend money on apart from what I need to live are books. I don't have enough money for both and I have really tried so hard to stop taking the pain killers. I just don't know what to do anymore. Any suggestions? If I don't take the pain killers I just can't cope, like I won't be able to go out of the house, I sweat, I get really bad headaches, I get massive mood swings and I am scared to death that someone is going to hurt me. I want to get on with studying and going to lectures, just be normal and enjoy my life even if its like 5% of the time. I have never been addicted to anything before, I don't even drink because the medications interact with it and make me feel really sick.

I have told my doctors what I am doing and they say they can't stop me or threaten to put me in hospital (which happens a lot). I achieved a lot over the last year no self-harm or suicide attempts. We have a local helpline where I live but they say just do something relaxing while I am having a panic attack, which really does not help. They won't give me anything like Lorazepam which helped in the past. So I am stuck.

Any advice?

Thanks,

James