I'm Over-Thinking The Act Of Over-Thinking And Other Issues, Need Help Please

[JDW]

Hi guys, thank you for reading this if you are I really appreciate any help in any way.

I'm 20 and my question is this, ever since I left the armed forces after a 6 month go at it, I left due to social anxiety/BDD/OCD and depression which I later found out on the three latter. So before I joined, I didn't really think too much about what if I didn't make it or if mental illness pops up. I knew I had some serious issues at my temporary job as a cleaner with other people, anxiety and stuff but I thought I would go in do the 4 years and leave with some life experience. I did pass the basic training and got 3 months into professional training but after getting mental health help from the doctor at the camp and also going to see a psychiatrist, both helped some what but both didn't really know what was really going on with me, now I've got a more clear view on my mental health now that I'm seeing a therapist which is really good news for me.

I left anyway on the last day that I was actually allowed to leave the 6 month mark, so I kept going til the last opportunity and decided I wasn't going to make it and wouldn't want to be kicked out nor was I enjoying it, I was full of fear from waking up in the morning, socializing in the evenings, unable to concentrate in cooking lessons, failing exams. However I was able to assess my problems a lot better after it all and understand some facts of life along the way. The problem was though, throughout the entire 6 months I was anxious 80 per cent of the time and throughly self conscious and thinking about thinking and thinking about this and that. I know everyone remembers me as the one who was worried about everything but I think looking back now I used that as a defense mechanism so I could sort of get away with coming across bad in social situations perhaps, I'm not really sure. It didn't work anyway, it just made it a hell when it needn't been.

So now 4 months have past since I left and I've never felt so depressed in my life, I have no social life other than family, I've barely left the house other than walks with my sister and getting to the therapist I'm seeing, which by the way is going really well though actual treatment hasn't started yet, my mental health is much clearer, it ain't great. So for the first time ever suicidal thoughts seem to be on my mind on a daily basis and I know I wouldn't do it. Anyhow, I'm thinking so much about social interactions and just everything in general.

I'm thinking about if I'm acting genuine or is it even possible to be myself anymore, was it ever possible. Everything I do or say I analyze almost by habit now, I feel like my life is falling apart, its like I've thought myself out of excitement, nothing is ever geninue now, especially in conversations and stuff. I find it very difficult to do hobbies I used to enjoy because I no longer can lose myself in them or feel any sort of excitement or good feelings what so ever. I question whether I'm depressed or not, if I'm just really lazy, I'm I self centered person, always thinking about myself. The best way of describing how I've felt since leaving is detached from everything, from the smallest things to biggest things. If I start laughing or a natural emotion comes up then I usually end up self observing myself within seconds and those natural feelings just disappear.

I don't know if I'm choosing to be worser than I actually am after those stressful months. A lot of the time I would be so scared on days, I think also the fact that I spent so much time putting on how bad I was feeling day to day. A constant awareness and self consciousness of how I looked, trying to change how I looked, worrying about it, avoiding situations, (bdd now I know) Like I made such an effort because I was so scared to speak with people in normal conversations or be myself as best I could and be vulnerable to embarrassment or humiliation. I mean I was able to get through 6 months so I'm mentally strong and maybe because I played the act of not being so mentally strong has made me right now in the present day, I'm still acting weaker than I actually am. So playing the act of a very overly anxious person and being in a constant self conscious state for 6 months has made me become VERY self conscious and difficult to focus away from myself. Now I've got like this detachment with everything in life, I find it so difficult to find purpose in my life again, to enjoy things to enjoy speaking to people even if its just my family. I'm thinking my life away, thats how it feels, everything just seems false to me now. My sa/ocd/bdd is something I'm working on at the moment with my therapist so I won't go into any of that. I just wanted to ask for advice for what I've mentioned here.

Present day: I'm I acting mentally weaker than I actually am, is that something I picked up? What is this detachment I feel? Why is nothing enjoyable anymore, why am I no longer looking forward to anything or wanting to talk about anything, I'm just a detached bore and depressive to be around. Its like I can't say anything genuine anymore because I don't mean it, I try to mean it for instant saying thank you or being interested in people and things going on but I just feel numb and end up just thinking about suicide or frustration of thinking so much. Seem to be putting on a act of finding things such as social interaction with my dad especially harder than it actually is, should I just bottle up whatever he may or anyone for that instance think and be mentally tougher and stop falling into safety behaviors such as coming across as worried for instance. Its like I'm worried that because I left the armed forces because of genuine mental health issues, that I've got to come across a certain way in order for my family for instance to know that I was lying or anything, that I was completely riddled with anxiety and other stuff, so they believe me even though I know they do believe me I also sometimes I'm fearful that they don't understand the full extent of it, is that why I'm so frustrated because I'm not being myself in terms of mental strength and acting a certain way when I don't feel that?

I'm sorry this was so long but I felt I needed to explain some things, I can only apologize in advance if I've came across badly. I just really need someones advice right now, I really do. I hope I've not been too repetitive but I'm just trying to get it all out there, the main points that are seriously bothering me. Thank you.

[Threemoons]

Hi JDW and warm welcome on the forums. I've difficulties forming my thoughts this evening so I've no wise words but wanted you to know that you are read and someone should come soon with better support to offer you. Safe hug if you want one.

[angel tears]

Hi there and welcome to the forums. It sounds like you have got bad anxiety problems, ocd and depression from what you have said in your post. I know that when I am feeling very down I can think about everything so much that I end up feeling very confused, drained, sad and lonely. We can think so much that we question everything even our own sanity. I suffer with very high long term anxiety and I think that when we worry so much we do tend to over think everything. I also believe that repetitive thoughts can be part of ocd. I suffered with ocd very badly when I was younger and I had certain rituals that I had to keep repeating, sometimes it was words, numbers, placing objects a certain way and washing my hands over and over and the route of it is anxiety and stress. It sounds like you are very unhappy and have been for a while. I understand the feeling of pretending to be a certain way. I did it with my family because they can't cope with my mh issues but I always felt like a fraud, then they all fell out with me anyway so pretending did me no favours either. Now I try to be who I am and how I feel and sometimes I lock myself away from the world because I don't want people to see how I am feeling as I don't want my depression to affect them. Only the closest people see my real feelings and my therapist.

Well done on the therapy, that's the right way to go. What does your therapist think about how you think and feel?. I understand the over thinking for sure. My partner says that I over think everything. Sometimes I think that I need to think less if that makes sense? and just go for it. I hope that you don't feel so alone now.

xxxx