chasingcrows Posted March 14, 2014 Report Share Posted March 14, 2014 Hello. I'm 22, and I have recently been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. Okay, maybe not a professional diagnosis. However, when a psychiatrist sees you once and talks to you for 5 minutes and diagnoses you with Major Depression, it's hard to accept those facts. I am in dire need for opinions and support, to be honest. If not, I will lose what I feel is a relationship that could really go the distance. Anyways.. I've had a long history of very brief relationships. Probably about.. 10 or so in the last 5 years, and the longest being 11 months. It always begins the same, everything is perfect.. and it honestly seems like everything is meant to be. There's almost an extreme chemistry. But then.. soon, I feel like things just start to snow ball. Arguments are constant, and I never feel like I do enough. Then I feel like I do too much and they don't appreciate me at all. It's as if my self image is constantly tossed around to the point where I have no idea what I will feel the next minute. I take extreme offense to things I usually wouldn't, and look for things that I feel will go wrong. I get aggrivating to deal with, and slowly they begin to defend themself.. and that's when I think they don't care anymore and become insanely depressed. I know this must sound.. confusing, but there's no way I can truly express how sorry I am when I do these things. Yet, there's this anger and paranoia that seem to drive me. Sometimes it's like I have two other sides to me that take over. One is cold and calculating, the other is harsh and defensive, the last is soft and nuturing. It's hard to control, but I am aware of what I'm doing and it terrifies me. I often feel like I am completely alone, because of how I lash out when things go wrong in relationships and friendships. I can't fully comprehend my motives, and that deeply worries me. I don't wish to hurt anyone, but that is starting to seem like all I do. My current boyfriend is extremely patient and constantly tries to compromise with me. He is a lot of what I want, but I feel so low about myself that it's hard to let myself believe that he could truly care about me. He does show affection.. and he's given up his old drug life style to be with me and change for the good. Yet, it's hard to change my own course of thoughts/feelings/actions, especially because he tells me I only think in black and white. It's difficult for me to try anything he wants to do, but I try veryvery hard to keep him satisfied. Lastly, I am a self harmer. I am in many different fields.. and lately it's been building and I've been contemplating suicide. I feel like maybe there has to be a way to escape this never ending feeling of disappointment of myself and my life. I do great things, but I do not feel like enough. My anger is incredibly hard to control.. and I don't want to deal with this impulsiveness. That's the end of my rant. Nice to meet you all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buzzybee Posted March 15, 2014 Report Share Posted March 15, 2014 Hello Chasingcrows, I am new here too. You have made a really positive step by coming on this forum and seeking support. From reading a number of posts on here, people are at various stages in their healing process, so you will gain insight into how others are feeling, their methods of coping and what kind of support they have outside of this forum (its important to have professional support if you are struggling, so if you haven't already got this, I would strongly suggest you seek this out). I am sorry to read that you are struggling and finding it hard to cope and it sounds like you are feeling scared, isolated with your feelings and thoughts and are quite self deprecating because of the pain you have experienced during your life. At the core of every human being is our true authentic self. In order to reach the person who you truly are inside, the layers, which surround the core of you, need to be pealed back, gently and one step at a time…this is largely achieved through therapy. It's a process that takes time, patience and determination, but it is achievable when the right conditions are in place. Therapy and healing is a gift to yourself and you deserve that gift, you deserve to live a quality life. Welcome and I hope you gain some comfort in being here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Threemoons Posted March 15, 2014 Report Share Posted March 15, 2014 Warm welcome and thank you for trusting us enough to share your struggles. Hope things improve soon for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
angel tears Posted April 2, 2014 Report Share Posted April 2, 2014 Hi there and welcome to the forum I want to give you a feeling of hope. I too especially before therapy had many of the issues that you describe. I was so very angry most of the time and it was very hard to control. I hurt myself badly and self harmed for a long time. I just used to explode with rage, I hit walls, I hit myself, I shouted and I broke things. I had 7 years of therapy and it has gotten much better. I still have bpd but I can mange it so much better now. I don't self harm, my rage is under control, I can cope with my feelings most of the time and I am not so black and white now. I seem to have more awareness of life and how to cope in relationships because before therapy I hardly had any social skills at all and I couldn't stay with a partner because of my black and white thinking and my emotions. I have done a lot of therapy, loads of self help, here has helped me so much and I also take medication which does keep me more stable now. xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted April 7, 2014 Report Share Posted April 7, 2014 hello and welcome every one is intitled to a rant now and again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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