A Note

[Riverspell]

Just thought I should let all of you out there I owe replies to that I haven't forgotten them. Been really sick for about a week now so not having a lot of gumption or focus to sit down on the computer and write stuff out. I apologize and will get to it as quickly as I can.

Also I'm sorry if these kinds of posts aren't allowed. I just felt that I should explain.

[gandalftheginge]

Riverspell, that's so sweet and caring of you to post, and I'm really sorry you've been unwell. Hope you're taking care of yourself

[buzzybee]

I hope you get well soon riverspell xx

[ILostHer]

That's so considerate of you. Even unwell you are thinking of others!

I hope you get better soon xx

[Riverspell]

It's been a mixture of stress induced by flashbacks and hallucinations and withdrawals. The state is being a pain and screwing up my insurance so I currently don't have any. Been fighting for a month now to get it fixed. As such I have to pay out of pocket for medications and the lamotrigine alone is 150 dollars. So being already sick from stress (stress causes a painful gastrointestinal response in me, similar to a bad case of IBS though I've never been diagnosed) the withdrawals just made it even worse. As well as making it nearly impossible for me to sleep and rendering me an outright bitch. Been having a hard time controlling that so I've been reclusive.

We finally got up enough money to pay for my carbemazipine (sp?) (on half dose for two weeks) and sertraline (off for a week and a half) today so hopefully a majority of this will up and vanish. I'll be out of it for a couple days from the sudden full dose after so long without. But hopefully I'll be back to full function in just a few days.

Really sick and I'm tired of slipping back into my psychotic features. Seriously spending more and more time believing my hallucinations are reality. Just the other night I was hysterical and psychotic from a flashback to being molested. Apparently I kept begging my abuser to stop. I don't remember hardly any of this, outside my brother singing to me over the phone to help me calm down.

But enough of my rambling. I should be back to posting soon, I do keep popping in to check on everyone. Just don't want to go off and attack someone or trigger someone. Nor make an idiot of myself. xD

Thank you all for your support and kind words.

[ILostHer]

Your brother singing to you brought tears to my eyes and a lump in my throat.

In fact your whole post did, I am sorry you are going through so much.

I really hope things improve.

Take huge care xx

[Riverspell]

*hugs Lost*

I'm sorry I made you sad. I just thought a more detailed explanation might help people understand. That I'm not BSing to go off and hide. Y'know?

My brother can't sing worth a darn, but he knows I've never cared. I think that was actually the first time he's sang to me and I wonder if part of it was because he remembered me doing the same to him when he was really upset. He did tell me that he remembered me singing "Amazing Grace" and "You Are My Sunshine" to myself when I was really upset. Especially in Olympia. But again, I suspect he remembers when I did the same for him growing up. My brother is autistic, I pretty much guessed it right from the beginning when I realized there's was something different about him and went and devoured my mother's medical texts she had on hand for some reason. Yes, a six year old went and read medical stuff and understood most of it. xDDD

Because he was never treated or helped with it and instead abused and ridiculed, it's morphed into a number of other disorders and I still talk to him when he needs it. But when we were younger, I quickly learned the signs of an impending meltdown. He would seclude himself somewhere, away from the yelling and such. Usually curling up in a ball and nearly catatonic. Other times it could morph into violence. When we got older everyone kept me away from him and wouldn't let me help, instead restraining him which only made it worse.

However, when I was still allowed, I'd go and sit in the room he was in. Giving him plenty of space and silence but letting him I know I was there with deliberate and even breathing. To try and level his out. When he relaxed enough to loosen his arms and not cling so tightly to himself, I know I could approach. I'd scoot over to him, not quite touching, and hum. Too much noise too fast would lock him down again. Eventually he'd close the distance and put his head on my shoulder, sometimes my chest to listen to my heart. That's when I'd start singing, just soft tunes we knew. Like nursery rhymes or songs dad had sung a lot and we'd memorized them. Other times it was just made up stuff and often things we'd made up together. It was always really painful for me in the end, because he almost always ended up crying. Silently, but still crying because he knew he could get away with it with me. Sometimes he'd talk a bit, ask questions I really couldn't answer. Like, why didn't dad love him? What had he done this time? Asking me to explain, so he could understand. Usually I couldn't without making him feel worse and so I didn't often answer. Just held him tighter and he accepted it.

He became violent as he aged, frustrated and hurt more than he was angry. I knew touching him would make it worse so I'd sit in the corner and talk a bit and just let him trash his room. Seemed to help a bit. Eventually he'd calm down and cry and I let him finish before we tried to pick the room up a bit before dad came barging in.

But like I said, eventually I wasn't allowed to help him. People deemed him crazy and dangerous. At times he was, there was an incident where he sexually abused our sister when he was 10. I physically harmed him for it, which I regretted, but he understood then that it was wrong. She was the youngest and doesn't remember thankfully. He did become physically abusive when he became a teenager. Lashing out because he couldn't control or understand his emotions. Sometimes I did have to get physical with him. To prevent him from harming himself and others. Often he didn't remember all of what happened. But that only made dad madder.

Dad eventually kicked him out, much like he did me. Only my brother was put in a headlock and thrown into a wall before being cast out with only a t-shirt and jeans and ratty pair of shoes on his body and nothing else. My dad has even threatened harm if he shows up at our house uninvited. I nearly hit my dad at my brothers wedding last October. He told my brother that he wanted his son back. Ignoring the huge amount of progress he has made in his life despite every obstacle that stood in his way.

I still cry sometimes when my brother calls. Because he says again and again that he wants a relationship with our father but that he's separating himself because of things dad continues to say to him.

Personally I'm proud of my brother. He's sober now, from drugs and alcohol for well over a year now. Attends AA meetings and sees a therapist when he can. There's more control and understanding of his emotions and behavior and he's no longer afraid to reach out for help. I've sat for hours with him on the phone when he's gone days without sleep or feels like SH or psychotic. He found the love of his life, fixed the issues in their relationship and has married her. They already have a child on the way and I recognize in him the desire to be the best father he can be. Better than dad was to him and determined to make it all work. He's been finding odd, brief jobs to add to what they get from the state. Not many long term jobs will take him because of his criminal history. So he makes do. Saves up what he can to find a better apartment and prepare for their child. Seriously, he was kicked out at about 16 and was in and out of half way homes and weeks on the street. But he's picked himself up. His determination is a role model to me.

I'm sorry for this long worded post, but some part of me hopes someone will find it encouraging.

The withdrawals are slacking off and the adjustment to meds getting better. Still have bad sleep, but getting over that. I may have to take my max dose of Seroquel early in the evening for several days to do a force restart on my sleep systems. So I'll be horribly drowsy for days until it figures itself out. xD

But I'm going to start trying to reply to things. Slowly but surely.

Thank you all for your understanding!

[Riverspell]

Alright guys! I'm feeling considerably better. Still moody at times but much more energized and looking to getting up each morning. My insurance appears to be fixed, I was able to get medications this weekend without emptying my bank account.

So, onward to finding a new therapist and a psychiatrist to start prescribing my medications. A general doctor too, which my mom has someone in mind already that I'm willing to try out.

Now I'm going to get to all those replies I need to make! May take a couple days as I'm visiting my grandparents for a couple days and simply because there are a LOT of posts. But I will get them all! I'm determined.

Thank you all for understanding!