lightworker Posted April 23, 2014 Report Share Posted April 23, 2014 my husband said if you don't take mum then ill have to have a day off work to take her, id previously not been able to do something the week before for him so i suposse the guilt crept in, i thought i could drop her off and come back and pick her up later, but then someone said we'll only be 10 mins and i looked at my mother in law sat there so frail and thought i couldn't let her go in by herself..i thought i was being supportive and that i could deal with what i was going to see, how bad can it be, i had already seen her with no hair and as swollen as can be, whilst she was fighting the cancer, so i did think how much worse can it be and i thought that at the chapel of rest they make them up to look as good as can be. that was 4 weeks ago now and i just cant get over the picture in my head, even my mother-in-law said she felt sorry for her sister being sent off in that way. sometimes things are not as you expect i've been dong well up until now but the pressures beging to take its toll, trying to think of what i can learn from this and move on, but mother-in-law keeps bringing up the subject and yesterday still said she cant believe that her sisters gone.her problem is that she has no one else to talk to about things she wont socialise with people only family. so yesterday we had two conversations about people who are no longer on this planet and i will admit she did drag my mood down..i have tried saying im trying to forget what i saw and put happy pictures in my head, but she just keeps going on about it. i ended up in a & e the other week getting cuts glued up again. so wishing i went with the original plan or let hubby go. but im not working and it seemed to make sence that i go argh argh why does my head over think every thing . lightworker trying to stay grounded Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moonbeam beth Posted April 23, 2014 Report Share Posted April 23, 2014 Hello, I heard you lightworker... This life, not easy, this experience you are describing..no answers or solutions... Just I heard you, sorry for your loss, the affect on you and family, and I really can relate, to the images, and experience, of this with loved ones... Yes to staying grounded, yes to keeping strong within... and I really hope, that you can find away, to keep you protected from overload... Not easy, when the others have you as their main support.... With respect and compassion, I send you well wishes, MBB X Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lightworker Posted April 24, 2014 Author Report Share Posted April 24, 2014 thank you moonbeam beth, its alright been peoples main support but who's mine, does that sound selfish had a big hug from hubby last night, and it felt like two giant wings curling around me, did make me feel better felt like a healing hug if only it could of lasted all night. but this morning i do'nt think i'm safe on my own at the moment as my thoughts just keep going around in my head. not good. theres only so much distraction you can do.... lightworker Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moonbeam beth Posted April 24, 2014 Report Share Posted April 24, 2014 Hello again lightworker, I am truly sorry that you do not feel safe alone today... Yes, swirling thoughts, can get to all of us, even at the best of times... Only so much distraction yes...hopefully you will find the balance, of bravely watching the disturbance again, dealing with the body as this happens, and drawing back into distraction, to break from the responses... It is so very hard for many of us to 'stay' in our thoughts, without getting lost with pain and confusion... I hope that you have the company and strength that you need today out there lightworker... I will think of you, well wishes, MBBx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lightworker Posted April 25, 2014 Author Report Share Posted April 25, 2014 thankyou moonbeambeth i eventually had half my meds persciption to od on at the ready and dont know why i thought im better than this i can do this i cant put my hubby and son through this but did end up pouring them down the plug hole so will now probally have to explain why ive got to put my perscription in early,i did phone drs for appt but all gone and only pre bookable one is june 13 well i just put phone down, ive tried twice in two weeks for an appt to see dr but have now given up i dont know what he can do anyway, i dont want to be refered to crisis team agiain, and i dont want to up my meds so i am starting today a new day now thinking positive and have started doing my yoga dvd again that makes me feel great. i tend to stop doing the things i enjoy then end up doing stuff i shouldnt like drinking too much etc and its as if i cant let myself be happy, or i forget what i need to do to make me stay happy and balanced. going to a mind body spirit event on sun with mum so have something to look forward to ive not been to one before so it will be an experience. thank you for your kind words moonbeam beth lightworker Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moonbeam beth Posted April 25, 2014 Report Share Posted April 25, 2014 Hey there again, all sounds very positive for you at this time...wonderful... I salute your efforts, and hope that the path continues with this gentle improvement and your progress through these difficulties. Well wishes MBB Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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