cheeky_lilly Posted May 8, 2014 Report Share Posted May 8, 2014 I have been offered and informally accepted an inpatient treatment- I know many of you will think ' that's great, I wish I had been offered!' But it is not so easy... I am not painfully skinny as my BMI is 17. I'm not throwing up. I do have my periods (again) But the people I have been seeing agreed that it is in my best interest to go into the inpatient... Minimum 7 weeks (!!) I am just scared I am not 'ill enough;skinny enough; achieved enough (yet)' I would want to go to maybe BMI 12... That would have been an achievement for me... but then... would I be able to stop there? I feel like I didn't manage to achieve enough before having so much help... what if I don't deserve it? What if I am just a fat walking ball that is simply disgusting? Disgusting... awfull... Pathetic.... stupid... offensive... SHIT! CRAP! should just be let to die? What do I do? What do I do...! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
angel tears Posted May 9, 2014 Report Share Posted May 9, 2014 ((((Lilly)))) you should go for your treatment Hun, you deserve the help just like anybody else and I believe in you and that you can get better. You are not fat, ugly, stupid or any of the other stuff you put down but you are a lovely, beautiful person who is poorly right now. I hope and pray for healing for you Hun xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cheeky_lilly Posted May 9, 2014 Author Report Share Posted May 9, 2014 Thank you. I decided to write down the thoughts here as they are a mess and I wouldn't be able to do it on a piece of paper. They look different in here... All of this bad words about myself I have.... They seem like I am offending myself way too much. I wish I could stop- here and now... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buzzybee Posted May 9, 2014 Report Share Posted May 9, 2014 Hi Cheeky-Lilly, Im glad to hear that they are giving you the support that you need and deserve. I completely hear you distress, fear angst in all that you have said, but in reality, getting the support now will help you from hitting a situation where you are are struggling even more. I completely understand and empathise with your struggles around body image, needing to be and feel in control, as this may be the only way that you actually do feel in control of your life, but from someone who battled for many years with an eating disorder (and still do refuse to eat properly when stress hits me hard) and at my age, i know only too well how help/ support early on in life can have a huge positive affect on your future. I was 21 years old when i was first in hospital (6 stone, I'm 5 feet 8), although they didn't admit me for the eating disorder, they admitted me due to my mental health deteriorating (i wasn't sectioned I was a voluntary patient). Now at 48 Im at a good weight after going through lots of therapy and working through the reasons why self harm through not eating was my way of coping with trauma. I still have periods where I will only eat one sandwich a day, but that is when I'm distressed about something and an indication when I need to reach out and seek help again. My BMI is 25…at 21 I would have hated that, but at 48 Im cool with it, happy with my body, happy within myself. Your not awful, pathetic, and all the negative words you used about yourself, you are a young woman who is hurting, struggling and needing to stay completely in control….your a person who needs support, to have a better life (you deserve this), to have a good future, to be loved and feel loved, to achieve your goals, have good health and learn to look at yourself and see true beauty, the beauty from within. It takes time x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cheeky_lilly Posted May 9, 2014 Author Report Share Posted May 9, 2014 Thank you Buzzbee, You have written beautifully... thank you for that. I often feel that even when writing things on the forums I do hold back- and I didn't whenwrote what words I have about myself. It is good to hear how you have coped. I must admit that my only life-trauma is a life with OCD since i remember. This shaped me who I am at the moment and this caused me to be in a constant need of control... I have an assessment at the beginnng for the week with one of the doctors- probably to see how the admission could help me and what I think could change... I don't know what to say tbh.. I still struggle to say ' have an eating disorder' as it sounds like a lie in my head. It is not serious. But on the other hand- it will never be serious enough for me... Thank you loads again... I do appreciate replies xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
addy2 Posted May 9, 2014 Report Share Posted May 9, 2014 Even if you were fat what would be so disgusting about that? Not that I'm saying you are fat I'm sure your not and I feel you deserve the help other ways they wouldn't have offered it to you. I just find it hard when people write they are fat and disgusting when there not it's kind of a trigger for me as I actually am fat and disgusting, I hope you get the help you need xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buzzybee Posted May 9, 2014 Report Share Posted May 9, 2014 Cheeky-lilly, It took me years to admit that I had an eating disorder, for me, its less about the name which is attached, but more about getting support, working through difficulties and distress and adopting new ways of coping. I still have OCD symptoms, mine is the need to have my home (my sanctuary) clean and tidy. I can't cope with mess, as the mess makes me feel out of control. But in saying this I'm not completely obsessive about cleaning, on a scale from 1 - 10, (10 being so utterly consumed with cleaning etc) I'm about a 5, which is pretty good going and i can live and function with a 5. I hope all goes well with your assessment, if you need to touch base with us before that/ after that, please don't hesitate to post on the forum, we will do all we can to support you x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cheeky_lilly Posted May 9, 2014 Author Report Share Posted May 9, 2014 Addy- I am sorry- I don't think there is ANY connection between being fat and disgusting. I do believe they are 2 separat things. The disgusting bit in my mind was more to do with my personality, and the way I am not coping. Buzzybee thank you... I probably would have struggled less if I could see that I am underweight.... But I guess instead of that I should focus on attitude how I deal with food and how it rules my everyday life. It should be a pleasure not a pain... I will have a difficult weekend- that is for sure.. Last few weekends I was just overdosing, or found unconscious and taken to AE... And I do know I need to stop that... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lalissa Posted May 11, 2014 Report Share Posted May 11, 2014 ((((Cheeky lily)))) sorry you are struggling so much, i hope you can find the inpatient thing helpful... i hope you can be healthy, hoping for you, xx lali xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cheeky_lilly Posted May 11, 2014 Author Report Share Posted May 11, 2014 Thank you llali.. I hope i can be healthy one day... But i also know i should give in to the support at times.:. Struggling now... I agreed with a person from eating disorders that they won't tell me when I'm having a place till a very last minute. They think (and I unfortunatelly had to agree) that If I knew earlier the anxiety would be at it's peak and they would be worried I may be found dead one day... But when death is so appealing... Just stopping it all... Forever... No thoughts. I'm sorry fr being negative I am just struggling tonight. Again so much hatered towards myself... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted May 18, 2014 Report Share Posted May 18, 2014 i've had an eating disorder since i was 14 and have struggled with it ever since my bmi is 17 as well i'm 5 foot tall though and i'm 6 stone 7 last time i was wayed i wont go on the scales willingly though i've made it to my 30th year i cant believe that!!! where's the time gone? i think i'm really fat, ugly, useless and unatractive no matter what people say to me... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Coal Posted May 18, 2014 Report Share Posted May 18, 2014 Having a BMI of 12 must hurt *hugs* please don't hurt yourself. Your body needs energy so please give it what it needs to function. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted May 18, 2014 Report Share Posted May 18, 2014 i hope you can get the help you need so much lily. please take it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cheeky_lilly Posted May 19, 2014 Author Report Share Posted May 19, 2014 In just getting worse and really scared. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted May 19, 2014 Report Share Posted May 19, 2014 keep posting here if it helps. we're all here for you this site is a really good support network that's what i've found even if i don't post that offen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cheeky_lilly Posted May 19, 2014 Author Report Share Posted May 19, 2014 Hi, I haven't eaten since Thursday. Today I have eaten loads of pizza. 2 massive ones. I made myself sick. I used be scared of being sick. I was sick for an hour. It just feels good to have my stomach empty. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted May 19, 2014 Report Share Posted May 19, 2014 you don't want to do that lily and have your teeth fall out cause of all the acid over the years that's what happened to me because i perged so much Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cheeky_lilly Posted May 19, 2014 Author Report Share Posted May 19, 2014 I really do know. It is just me trying to die somehow. And if I cannot do it quickly- I don't mind a long and painful death. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted May 19, 2014 Report Share Posted May 19, 2014 huge hugs lily you deserve them wish i could brake the cycle your in so your not trapped by these feelings any more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cheeky_lilly Posted May 19, 2014 Author Report Share Posted May 19, 2014 I know I should die, but I don't trust meds any more,... I have ever been sick after them but 3 times I have taken an over the lethal dosage. Why am I not dead? Why? Why.....! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted May 20, 2014 Report Share Posted May 20, 2014 are you on any meds at all cheeky lilly? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cheeky_lilly Posted May 27, 2014 Author Report Share Posted May 27, 2014 I endedbup in hospital as na informacje patient as they threatwned section. So they are poutting me back on antydepresants... They are trying to stabilize me..meaning- improve my mood to a higher levels... Oh dear oh dear Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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