just_do_1 Posted May 21, 2014 Report Share Posted May 21, 2014 Hi. I dont really know how to start these things so I will just write it. Over the last month or so I have on several occasions ordered rope on amazon and then cancelled the order an hour or so later. But yesterday I ordered the rope again but I didnt cancel it. What I see with all the cancellations is that really I dont want to.... ummm... leave. But my thoughts have become so clouded with no hope. Suicidal thoughts are nothing new to me, Iv had them since i can remember. I have only acted upon them once and failed. I swore to myself then that if I ever try again it will be done properly. That was 10 years ago. Over the last 10 years I have done nothing with myself, have feared going outside for so long. Have sat inside the same 4 walls for a long time. I have come here in search of some friends and I mean real friends, not internet friends. Im not very good at making friends, im not very good at starting conversations but im not mute either. If you talk to me I will talk back. I live just south of London, I dont care where you live, I will travel to meet you, even in Inverness. I dont care about your age, 20,30,40,50,whatever. I dont care about your issues and illnesses, or if your black, white, fat or thin......... But please dont get me wrong I dont expect anyone to be knocking on my door tomorrow. We can chat online and get to know each other. Although it may not seem like it, im not that weird, lol. I am a 28 year old male. I am lonely, next to no friends. I have no job, no car. I live on my own in a small flat. Im easy going, down to earth. I dont judge others. Am kind. I dont have any official mental health labels. I suffer depression that seems to change like the wind but at the same time I think I do a good job at hiding it, most of the time. Im not a weak person so if you are religiously fanatical and expect to turn me, it aint happening lol. I know this post sounds like it should be on a dating website but I choose here because in my real world experience, people with mental health problems are some of the most nicest people you can meet. Anyway I have taken over an hour to write this and its now 4.30am, Im off to bed but please talk to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted May 21, 2014 Report Share Posted May 21, 2014 hi and welcome i'm maddy from edinburgh but i live in the fens now and have lost my scottish accent for the most part. i am lonely to and am blind i have a guide dog and 2 guinea pigs... o and dreads... hope you don't mind the dreads, people can be really funny about them. i have bpd and i play musical instruments and i sing i play harp, piano, jembe, rosewood flute, alto trebble and tenor recorders... i also have a descant recorder made out of pair wood which has a nice sound think its because its not plastic like the ones you have at school so, that's me... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
b0bulat0r Posted May 21, 2014 Report Share Posted May 21, 2014 Hi and welcome to this forum first of all I wanted to say, Well done for giving this a shot, the fact that you are here and wanting to make a change for the better shows a great strength, we have all felt low at some point and I know personally I have felt suicidal very often, You should be proud of yourself for coping with this and for looking to make a change. I maintain a full time job which is very difficult for me, apart from my job I barely leave the house, I don't really socialize with anyone else and I don't do anything outside of my job, All my hobbies are inside, (like story writing, game design, playing games, movies etc) so I spend most of my time alone. Its not that I don't like people its that I find socialization really difficult and scary. I hope you find this forum a supportive and useful place and make many friends on here, there are alot of really lovely people on here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted May 21, 2014 Report Share Posted May 21, 2014 i forgot to say in my last post that there are some of the best people on here i have ever spoken to and got support from... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
just_do_1 Posted May 21, 2014 Author Report Share Posted May 21, 2014 Hello maddy harper and b0bulat0r. Thank you for the welcome. Before I say anything else I would just like to say that I do have a habit of asking questions that others may not be comfortable with. I'm like this because I'm quite an open person. I'm not ashamed of who I am or where iv been and I don't believe anyone else should be either. I don't fear ridicule and it would take a lot to offend me. I think iv done a good job of protecting myself from others, but I didn't do a very good job of protecting myself from myself. So if I at any point ask you anything your not comfortable with then please feel free to tell me to F off, I wont be offended and I would never intentionally offend others. maddy. I hope you don't mind me asking, as a blind person how do you use a computer. You got me interested enough to Google it and I found some Braille keyboards that look fascinating and also found a picture of a Braille ipad tablet thing, I don't think its on sale yet but it looks amazing and complicated. I hope you don't think that question is ignorant of me but I guess it is, sorry. WOW you play a lot of instruments and you sing as well. Very talented. I dont think I have any talents and I certainly cant sing lol. Have you put any of your songs on youtube? 1 of my 2 friends that I see very rarely, he sings and plays the guitar and has put many of his videos on facebook but only seems to do it when he is drunk lol. And about the dreads. When it comes to people, male or female, I have always relied on 2 sentences.... If they look like a dog that doesn't necessarily mean they are a dog, but if they bark like a dog then they are probably a dog. I hope you understand that's my way of saying I choose personality over looks every day, but I try to make it sound less cheesy. lol. or is it more cheesy lol i dont know. And also just to be clear in no way am I calling you a dog. lol. b0bulat0r. Thank you for the encouraging words.I always have to syc myself up to leave my home even if its just to take the bins out. I was not so long ago helping my father with his dog walking business, is actually really good money, not that I got any of it lol. But it has shown me what I have missed out on over the last 10 years. I have been thinking about over coming my fear and getting to the job centre. But I read many horror stories online and also at this moment in time they have stopped all my dole money so I have nothing coming in. But I have a little bit of money saved that will keep me going for a couple of months so no fear there. I have spent my time illegally downloading films and TV series to keep myself occupied. I know some people will disagree with my downloading but the way I see it is, either I sit in the silence or I download. I would always choose downloading as nothing pushes me closer to the edge then boredom and silence. And if I ever get caught doing it I will own up to it. They can sue me, good luck there, I don't have much worth taking. Or they can send me to prison, its worth the risk. What do you play your games on? PC? I have a PS3 with custom firmware on it. At 1 point I had 350 PS3 games and 300 indie games, and I had a wii with 500 wii games. and 200 GameCube games. Obviously I didn't play them all lol. I just downloaded them for the sake of it. But now I have over done the films and games and get bored of them quickly. Unless its a multi-player game, I like playing with others but get bored of solo. Game design? I tried my hand at java once, it didnt last long lol. Again thank you for the welcome Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted May 21, 2014 Report Share Posted May 21, 2014 my laptop is broken right now. i'm using an i phone to post my responses i use a bluetooth keyboard to navigate it it has builet in speech that i just had to activate when i took the phone out the box and charged it. you can get braille displays for the i phone and i pad but i don't like braille because its to slow.but that's just me though not every blind person hates braille like i do. any other questions you'd like to ask?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lalissa Posted May 21, 2014 Report Share Posted May 21, 2014 welcome to the forums just do, i thought your post was honest and brave : ) i hope you find some of what u need in this place, i have depression and bpd, i get lonely too, see u around, xx lali xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
b0bulat0r Posted May 21, 2014 Report Share Posted May 21, 2014 Hiya I used to do Jujitsu on a wednesday night, my sister has just left for the class and I didn't, I stopped going because I couldn't face it, I feel ashamed of myself every week that I don't go, and part of me does miss it, but I find it so hard, as you said sometimes just leaving the house can feel impossible, I think its amazing i make it into work most days, people at work all think i'm anti-social because I don't go to staff socials and things, its not that I don't want to, I just can't face it. I play games on xbox, playstation or pc, I prefer to play games on pc so i can design my own content for them, things like Skyrim for example where you can use the construction set to design your own custom house for the game world or your own sword. Netflix is quite good for watching tv or film, its like £6 a month and it has a wide variety of stuff on it, I mostly buy content because I believe in supporting the artists, music i download from itunes if i can, films I normally rent or buy but then I am earning a decent wage. there are programs that let you rip videos from youtube i've sometimes ripped songs from youtube if there isn't a legal download for them but normally I message the person first and ask their permission to do this, I like to buy stuff "if i can" but have downloaded content via other methods at times myself if I either can't find a legal copy or its insanely expensive. I don't think your alone there a massive amount of people do it, I would go mad if I was at home and didn't have something to do, I think boredom makes the Mental health issues much worse, especially if you have too much time to be alone with your thoughts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
just_do_1 Posted May 21, 2014 Author Report Share Posted May 21, 2014 maddy, shame you don't live closer to me I would fix your laptop, fixing computers is what Im good at. I wouldn't say its a talent though. Just experience lol. And I wouldn't charge you either, I usually do it for family and their friends, I also don't charge them. Most people think because I don't charge I don't know what im doing but I have had people bring their computers to me when the likes of pc world have claimed its unrepairable and iv managed to fixed it. Anyway im sure I have bored you with all this computer talk already lol. I would also like to ask you as you play so many instruments. Do you write and record your own songs? I haven't searched this site fully yet but have you ever shared any of your music with the internet people? If not would you consider sharing with us? Its OK if not, and please don't feel you have to explain yourself. You are more than welcome to tell me to F off. lalissa. Thank you for the welcome. Honest? yes, Brave? Reading some of these threads there seems to be many people braver than myself, many stronger as well. Thank you for the kind words, means a lot. b0bulat0r. You shouldn't feel ashamed about your Jujitsu especially considering you work every day. I hope you don't think I'm speaking out of line but reading many of your posts, you seem to be a bit hard on yourself, but you are kind to others. Would that be a fair thing to say or am I speaking out of my behind? I am hoping in time I can join a local boxing club, I have a punch bag that I use 2-3 times a week. Makes me feel like at least iv done something with myself during the day. And also the added bonus of exercise is really good for those with depression etc. When people ask me why I always stay indoors, I always say its because I'm unsociable, I don't like people and their drama's, its a reply I use to move the conversation along lol. I have almost 3tb of films, TV series etc a lot of it I haven't watched but its the downloading of the films that has kept my mind occupied, I don't download like I use to. But I do download weekly TV series like supernatural, person of interest, game of thrones etc I cant afford to pay for DVDs but I guess I could pay for netflix. But to be honest I have only just paid off my £2500 overdraft, money has been tight for a while but at £6 I guess that's a poor excuse to cover the fact I'm to cheap to pay for it. I don't have normal TV, BBC, ITV etc and that's not because I'm to cheap lol its because normal TV sucks sucks sucks, EastEnders and coronation street just don't do it for me lol. And I cant afford sky or virgin TV. It all boils down to money I guess. If I'm totally honest I would like to be able to pay for DVD's but as I cant afford to, I download it and I don't feel bad about downloading it, its not very honourable but I have managed to justify it in my head, even though I know its wrong. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted May 22, 2014 Report Share Posted May 22, 2014 my link to my sound cloud page in my profile sorry for lack of words today my brain is fogged up with my usual meds and they make me dopey and finding words is really difficult... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted May 22, 2014 Report Share Posted May 22, 2014 there is no flute on there yet as i need to buy more minits so i can upload them the trubble is, i cant see my bank card details so i cant buy any more which is shit as i loved making music there is quite a lot of stuff on there all ready though to listen to and i made my recordings using audacity. before my hard drive went... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HardeyFromUK Posted September 15, 2014 Report Share Posted September 15, 2014 Hi. I dont really know how to start these things so I will just write it. Over the last month or so I have on several occasions ordered rope on amazon and then cancelled the order an hour or so later. But yesterday I ordered the rope again but I didnt cancel it. What I see with all the cancellations is that really I dont want to.... ummm... leave. But my thoughts have become so clouded with no hope. Suicidal thoughts are nothing new to me, Iv had them since i can remember. I have only acted upon them once and failed. I swore to myself then that if I ever try again it will be done properly. That was 10 years ago. Over the last 10 years I have done nothing with myself, have feared going outside for so long. Have sat inside the same 4 walls for a long time. I have come here in search of some friends and I mean real friends, not internet friends. Im not very good at making friends, im not very good at starting conversations but im not mute either. If you talk to me I will talk back. I live just south of London, I dont care where you live, I will travel to meet you, even in Inverness. I dont care about your age, 20,30,40,50,whatever. I dont care about your issues and illnesses, or if your black, white, fat or thin......... But please dont get me wrong I dont expect anyone to be knocking on my door tomorrow. We can chat online and get to know each other. Although it may not seem like it, im not that weird, lol. I am a 28 year old male. I am lonely, next to no friends. I have no job, no car. I live on my own in a small flat. Im easy going, down to earth. I dont judge others. Am kind. I dont have any official mental health labels. I suffer depression that seems to change like the wind but at the same time I think I do a good job at hiding it, most of the time. Im not a weak person so if you are religiously fanatical and expect to turn me, it aint happening lol. I know this post sounds like it should be on a dating website but I choose here because in my real world experience, people with mental health problems are some of the most nicest people you can meet. Anyway I have taken over an hour to write this and its now 4.30am, Im off to bed but please talk to me. What a brave post. Brilliant! Actually, no person has welcomed me to this site. I have an intro but people have left nothing. So, we all have our social problems. I have left this note to not say 'it gets better' or anything like that. But just remember to phone the samaratans if you feel like taking your life. I feel like this lots of the time and m still here beacause these people have cared. I wish you the very best here. Stick around a little :-) Hardey Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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