Two Mistakes I Cannot Forgive Myself For.

[successful_workthru]

Hi

Everyone makes mistakes, that's how we learn, and I forgive myself for most of my mistakes except for two I made in the year 2000 and 2006.

In the year 2000 I bought a flat. I've bought and sold two properties before.

Anyway, in 2009, I was suffering anxiety from benzo withdrawals and was worrying about allsorts. I got worried about the lease on my flat, fearing that it was somehow invalid.

Anyway, I must have put it to the back of my mind believing it to be benzo anxiety.

I have since checked, however, and got advice from the leasehold advisory service.

The previous owner has breached the lease.

When I bought the flat, the solicitor said that the previous owner had built a room in the roofspace of the flat that didnt comply with building regs so I could not sell the flat as a 2 bed flat, which was ok by me.

I did not tell the solicitor, however, that the previous owner had also put a big window in the roof.

I didn't even notice the flat had single glazing and happily paid hundreds of pounds every year in heating bills.

I got a lump sum of £12k but frittered it away.

I used to be so sensible with money.

The leasehold is due to expire in 5 years, and if I dont spend the £7k to renew it within that time, the cost goes up to an eye wateringly expensive price.

Also, I need to find the money to undo the alterations the old owner did.

I am on benefits with no money.

To make matters worse, in 2006, I took out a ten year fixed rate mortgage without thinking. I had years to change it back but I didnt think to, and when I did, the bank changed their rules, and now I am locked into it till 2016.

Had I stuck to the variable rate I would have saved myself tens of thousands of pounds literally.

I went online to see if any other fools had done the same thing as me, by googling different search terms and only found one person who said that they knew loads of people who did not go onto a fixed rate, because they knew the interest rate would come crashing down, and surely it did.

If I had of nipped online and looked at the pros and cons of a fixed rate mortgage I would never have chosen to have a fixed rate.

These two mistakes I just cannot forgive myself for. Not only are they unusually stupid and bizzare, they will most likely cost me my home.

I am on ESA support group at the moment, but am due to be reassessed in a year.

I will not qualify for income related ESA because I have £500 per month pension coming in.

I will have to live on the £500 per month which will be impossible and I will lose my home because I wont be able to afford my mortgage.

The thought of losing my home and losing my own space (something I really need) and the guttedness of my mistakes have made me so depressed I am scared to get out of bed.

I got out of bed at 4pm today. I sleep most of the time because I am scared to stay awake.

My flat has got a dirty horrible 70's carpet, a coloured 70's bathroom suite, single glazing, a thirty odd yr old central heating system, and being in here is traumatising me. I can't even look at the windows for long. I am worried I will get ptsd.

I am not in any danger of harming myself or attempting suicide now, but I know that when the shit hits the fan when my money stops and reposession proceedings start I will take my own life then.

It's the only thing that is keeping me calm, the thought that I will be dead by the time the sh*t hits the fan.

I have tried to tell myself not to be hard on myself, and that my mental illness caused me to make these bad decisions, but I feel as if I am using my mental illness as an excuse because I simply don't know why I bought this horrible flat with a breached lease, never modernized it, even though I had the money, and wasted tens of thousands on a fixed rate mortgage.

Also, I know loads of mentally ill people who have bought homes, and none of them rushed into buying a flat without noticing problems in it like the breached lease.

It's not like I am young and daft I am 47.

I have lost fundamental trust in myself and my self respect has fallen away.

Although I know I will be dead in a few years when all this happens, I worry because I might survive the suicide attempt which would be the worst thing in the world for me but I don't want to live with no money and no opportunities and restricted poor quality of life, without my own space.

I try to look at myself as a terminally ill person (I am not terminaly ill) but I try to have the attitude of someone who will be dead in a couple of years, so I try to enjoy life, but I cannot because the anxiety and depression won't let me enjoy the last couple of years of my life.

You know that feeling in your stomach when your on a roller coaster? well, I get that permanently, from waking to going to sleep at night.

I need meds to sleep.

I just wanted to share.

[Eagleheart]

Financial worries are horrendous.Whatever you do,you can't escape them.I totally get how you're feeling.

But there are things you can try.First stop could be Citizens Advice.They know about different ways to help & have access to organisations that people don't even know about.

I would urge you to seek out local mental health advocates.They gave me invaluable help a few years ago.Having an advocate can take a lot of pressure off your shoulders & can really make a difference when you have to communicate with scary businesses like banks.etc.

If all of that is of no use to you at all,the only other thing i can give you is a gentle hug & to say "it'll be ok hun".xxx

[mousie]

hey successful workthru

i can relate to that deep stinking fear and dread

i ostriched my financial stuff for decades

actual decades

then when it hit the fan, and on top of that, i lost absolutely everything

and i tried to end it all. several times. hoo did i suck at that!!

not something to joke about unless its on me, and it is

i felt so ill and nauseous and so scared that i was crying and visibly shaking when i reached out for help

and during each time i spoke about all my financial mess ups

all i got was compassion, non judgment, reassurance, kindness

it wasn't long before a plan was put together

i was with an organisation called payplan which kept all the wolves from the door

and i transfered by recommendation to christians against poverty

and they were phenomenal and i'm now completely clear of owing anything

and i have my own place

seriously if you start reaching out and like Eagleheart said

use all the advocacy and advisory resources around

quite amazing, unforeseen things can happen

things i didn't know were possible and had no idea about

i know its cheesy to say but this is the start of your omelette

and there are hands here to hold as you go through this

and i can relate to the comfort of having an escape hatch

i wept when it was reported that one option i had was made safe and no longer available

but i no longer need or want that option and i'm grateful for all the trust i invested

and i wish this for you too

cos i know how deeply toxic being in that place you've described can be

there is always a way through so please don't put a full stop on you

[angel tears]

I am so sorry that you are in this situation but please be kind to yourself, we all make mistakes and when we get poorly all sorts of stuff can happen. I have been very irresponsible when I was poorly and ran up huge debts which are still chasing me around!! I also need to deal with this but I want to bury my head but I know that I have to face this. I also know people with no mental health problems who have nearly lost there homes!! They just spent too much and couldn't afford the bills. ((((Workthrough)))) please take the advice above, you can get help for this. It sounds like your anxiety is talking to me xxx

[successful_workthru]

Financial worries are horrendous.Whatever you do,you can't escape them.I totally get how you're feeling.

But there are things you can try.First stop could be Citizens Advice.They know about different ways to help & have access to organisations that people don't even know about.

I would urge you to seek out local mental health advocates.They gave me invaluable help a few years ago.Having an advocate can take a lot of pressure off your shoulders & can really make a difference when you have to communicate with scary businesses like banks.etc.

If all of that is of no use to you at all,the only other thing i can give you is a gentle hug & to say "it'll be ok hun".xxx

Hi Eaglehart

The CAB just refer me onto the leasehold advisory service, whom I have already spoken to, and there are no mental health advocates I can see.

Once the lease is breached you are stuffed unless you have the money to put it right.

I do appreciate you taking the time to reply though and thanks for the hug. x

[successful_workthru]

Hi Angel tears and mousie

I have already sought the help but only I can get my self out of this by paying to put the breach of lease right and paying to update the lease.

I get more despondent when I go round asking for help and no one can give me it.

Thanks though.

[maddy harper]

[[[huge hugs hun]]]

xxxx