Hello From A Hollow Reflection

[JABaillie]

Hey, mental health forum. How's everyone doing?

My name's Baillie and I'm sexually attracted to shame.

I'm 22 and from Canada. I'm diagnosed BPD and major depressive, and I'm scared and overwhelmed. Anyone know what to do about that?

I feel constantly like I'm just a pale imitation of what a human being ought to be. My interests are other people's interests. My loves are other people's loves. When I'm alone, isolated from people or information, I do not know who I am. I also cannot recall with any detail my past, excepting a few major memories, most of which are sad ones. I'm medicated to hell and have been through various therapeutic avenues and am feeling like I'm about to run out of rope. All the while, I'm gunning it on empty, expected to do something so difficult as recover without any fight left in me. I'm just not sure what to do anymore. I'm currently on a waiting list for group DBT, and that's starting to feel a lot like my last shot at this before I wind up alone in my head forever.

I push people away because I'm afraid of them abandoning me. Consequently I have hundreds of friends and simultaneously no friends. I feel like I could die surrounded by people and still feel like I died alone. I'm shit at relationships.

Anyone else feel like this? Anyone want to help? I'm in a bad place these days. I love you all.

[Kara.]

JABaillie welcome to this forum. I think that you will find support and understanding in here. I do share parts of your experience and funny enough, reading through it made me think back and I too was made of stickers, as I used to feel. Stickers that were a bit of this one and the other but not me. Post-its. Lots of them. If I took them out there was nothing to show. I still feel a bit like this but less so now. However, I also dread abandonment and I also protect myself like you. I am in therapy and this is a massive drawback as I am constantly withdrawing or becoming do very needy.

I am doing Schema Therapy, which is helped me feeling 'fuller' inside. My T has recently adopted some Internal Family Systems techniques and these are also helpful. But all in all, difficult and so very hard.

Hugs and once again, welcome :-)

[JABaillie]

Thanks, happy to be here.

I like how you put it. Made of stickers. It's a warm, accurate image, I think.

Schema therapy sounds very interesting, this is actually the first I've heard of it. I'll have to do more research.

[maddy harper]

hello and welcome aboard

[Kara.]

I was thinking of you today because your post made me think a lot about my process.

I used to feel very empty, hollow, nothing. It was a very scary way of being. Today I was thinking that maybe I was not hollow and nothing. Whatever I was and whatever there was inside me, was wrapped up so tightly that it was imperceptible. I used to think that when a person is born part of the person is given to the person and part of the person is given to her/his mother/carer and s/he has to put it all together. I thought that my mum had kept this piece of me for herself so I couldn't work. So much happened after I was born that made it all worse but. What matters is that I feel fuller. And I think that I feel fuller because someone else has a different piece that might be useful to me. This is my T.

I think that what I mean is that I hope. Sometimes I feel that nothing happened since I started therapy but this is not true. So much needs to change, true, but some of what you describe I was and now I am less. So please do hope.

Schema Therapy is helping me. It's worth doing some research. I looked for something like this for a long time.

Hug.

xxxx