Diane-M Posted June 8, 2014 Report Share Posted June 8, 2014 I am diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and CPTSD. I went through a tablet reduction which was hard but I stuck with it. Then I pushed all my support away, my CPN and my psychiatrist. I went on to take three serious overdoses and had to get treatment for them. I haven't been to work for three weeks due to this and a chest infection and go back tomorrow even tho signed off until Wednesday. I am so scared - facebooked a solicitor in my dept and she said she was glad to hear from me and I can always talk to her like before. I am so paranoid just now and I keep thinking of jumping off a bridge near my home. I see my CPN on Wed and my psych on Thursday (not seen him for 2 months now as I refused to go) I know you must think this is all selfish and patethic but to me its like my head is exploding. I was in the garden part of today with my nieces playing badminton (I am very bad or just out of practice) but it was fun Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kara. Posted June 8, 2014 Report Share Posted June 8, 2014 Diane what a lovely way to finish a post with so many difficult feelings. It sounds so hard but I'm pleased that you managed to have a little break playing badminton with your nieces. I don't think that your post is selfish at all. You are struggling and asking for support, which is what we all do in here. So it really is fine. I think that it's good that you're going to see your cpn and psychiatrist this week. Can I ask you, was the reduction in medication your own decision? And why did you push cpn and psych away? It sounds that you were left quite vulnerable all of a sudden... How are you feeling now? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted June 8, 2014 Report Share Posted June 8, 2014 [[[huge hugs]]] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DaisyChain Posted June 8, 2014 Report Share Posted June 8, 2014 Not selfish or pathetic at all, it sounds like you have been through a very difficult time and are reaching out for someone, something. Its hard at these times to know what that is, but sometimes just knowing that someone hears you helps a little. You know that you can always come here and be heard. It must feel very daunting going back to work tomorrow, do you feel that you are ready yet? I too am glad that you managed to have a little fun playing with your nieces this afternoon, it sounds lovely Keep talking here if it helps, with love xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diane-M Posted June 8, 2014 Author Report Share Posted June 8, 2014 Thank you for your replies. The reduction was my psych's decision and he is now all of a sudden semi-retired so only there two days a week and I got angry with him about that and leaving me with no support when the reduction was affecting me badly and sometimes if things are really bad I push people away and make things worse for myself doing that, my CPN said its quite common if you are going through a depressive episode and struggling. DREADING tomorrow - no food prepared and not even ironed my clothes I am going to wear, not like me but I must do not care. I suppose I should try and get some sleep and take my meds. Thank you both again, it feels good not to be alone. Yes the break with my nieces was fun, so trying to keep that in mind Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted June 8, 2014 Report Share Posted June 8, 2014 its nice to be part of somewhere where people don't judge you, they just support you instead. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diane-M Posted June 8, 2014 Author Report Share Posted June 8, 2014 Yes, I agree nobody judges you here, I maybe should post more often as I feel I often come across people/family that don't understand. I think I will come back tomorrow but now I think bed and meds. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kara. Posted June 8, 2014 Report Share Posted June 8, 2014 Good luck at work tomorrow. xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diane-M Posted June 13, 2014 Author Report Share Posted June 13, 2014 Thank you karaindrou Going back to work was hard and I still hate it. I saw my CPN and psych this week. CPN thinks I need more to do out of work as I tend to hide away. Psych said he was leaving my meds as they were and was meeting with my CPN that day and they would have a talk, but I won't find out the outcome of that until about 2-3 weeks which feels really frustrating as I want to know now! I know I sound impatient but its driving me up the wall. I have seen a job online which I really would want, I have extensive experience in that field and its what I want to do, but: 1. I have been unstable of late and taken three overdoses, so my mental health is not so good 2. I have been in my current job 9 years so have employment protection esp. as I have a disability according to Occupational Health they sent me to 2 years ago 3. If I enjoyed my work more I could feel better inside, I know this 4. If I did apply and if I did get this job I would have to look after myself better and I think I could do this, rather than waking up in the morning with work dread, I know a lot of people feel this but mine is extreme in the job I do 5. There is no harm in applying - I would have nothing to lose? 6. I would find it hard to see CPN and Psych if I had a new job as taking time off is not good when you first start I am at present more in control of the SU feelings and am actually feeling like I don't care about the people at work who have been horrible to me - they don't mean anything to me, saddos if they get off being horrible to people. I am always nice and polite to people but sometimes that just doesn't get you anywhere so think I may be toughening up a bit. I don't care anymore what people think. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diane-M Posted June 13, 2014 Author Report Share Posted June 13, 2014 no answer makes me bad Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diane-M Posted June 14, 2014 Author Report Share Posted June 14, 2014 hate myself even more as the days go on Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
addy2 Posted June 14, 2014 Report Share Posted June 14, 2014 It's been quiet on here lately I wouldn't take it personally x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diane-M Posted June 15, 2014 Author Report Share Posted June 15, 2014 Thank you Addy - I think sites can be quiet in the summer, hope you are ok x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DaisyChain Posted June 15, 2014 Report Share Posted June 15, 2014 Sorry I didnt answer you before, I'm not always online, but the fact that no-one answered you that doesnt mean that you are bad, please dont hate yourself I think only you knows best about applying for the other job, it is awkward about taking time off for appointments in a new job but they shouldnt discriminate against you but you may need to be truthful at the interview about your current health issues Doing the list of pros and cons is a good idea And I can understand the frustration of not finding out the results of the meeting with the CPN for another 2-3 weeks, I would need to know NOW too Apart from that how are you feeling at the moment, how is work going for you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted June 16, 2014 Report Share Posted June 16, 2014 [[[hugs]]] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diane-M Posted June 17, 2014 Author Report Share Posted June 17, 2014 Thank you Daisy Chain and Maddy Work is about the same, I feel sick before I go in and nervous and paranoid while I am there. I still can't make up my mind about the job to apply for as not completely sure my mental health is that good and I have been in this one for 9 years so I have employment rights. Probably go to bed soon, over thinking about stuff again and so tired all the time, I can hardly get out of bed in the morning. I hate having mental health problems Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted June 17, 2014 Report Share Posted June 17, 2014 [[[hugs]]] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diane-M Posted June 18, 2014 Author Report Share Posted June 18, 2014 Thank you Maddy (hugs) back Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted June 18, 2014 Report Share Posted June 18, 2014 i hate my self to dianne so your not alone there Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diane-M Posted June 19, 2014 Author Report Share Posted June 19, 2014 Have been sending e-mails to my psych and CPN about how suicidal I feel and in crisis, even left a phone message for CPN - no answer. Sent a further e-mail to them both today and CPN called me. She asked me how I got her e-mail address and I said it was because my psych had copied her into a reply to me. She said she doesn’t reply to patients this way. I apologised and she said it was ok. Don’t think psych even spoke to her last week like he told me he had a meeting with her. She asked if my meds had been changed and I said unfortunately no. I do have an earlier appt. with her next Wednesday but will have to change my lunch at work which shouldn’t be a problem. Psych then e-mails to say he knows CPN has been in contact with me and will keep him updated as to progress. He obviously lied about the meeting with her last week. He is clearly just placating me or not taking my SU feelings seriously. Have a works night out tomorrow, someone is leaving. Drinks at work and then to Pizza Express. The day after my friend who left the firm is having a lunch for her birthday. I am looking forward to my friend’s celebration but the work one is freaking me out. I NEVER go out really so this is such a big deal for me to do all this. I just want to hide under my duvet forever. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted June 19, 2014 Report Share Posted June 19, 2014 [[[hugs]]] i think getting out will do you some good for you... specially as its your friends selibration :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diane-M Posted June 20, 2014 Author Report Share Posted June 20, 2014 Thank you Maddy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted June 20, 2014 Report Share Posted June 20, 2014 [[[hugs]]] hope today is calmer and more peaceful for you... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DaisyChain Posted June 20, 2014 Report Share Posted June 20, 2014 Good luck today, sometimes the things that we dread the most turn out to be not so bad afterall Im glad that you managed to get in touch with your CPN, just ignore the Pdoc, they tend to only deal with meds rather than people anyway in my experience. Keep letting her know how you feel, how bad things are for you, dont give in. And if you need a duvet day tomorrow to recover from the evening out tonight, then do it, we all need to duvet dive once in a while, just make sure that you take care of YOU (((hugs))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted June 21, 2014 Report Share Posted June 21, 2014 [[[hugs]]] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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