Becca95 Posted June 9, 2014 Report Share Posted June 9, 2014 This post is so I can just get things out and off my chest, I don't expect any replies. I just don't understand why I will not let myself eat.. I hate how skinny I am, I hate not feeling the way I used to around food, I hate knowing that I'm probably doing damage inside. Yet, I still won't eat and I don't really know why. It's been 2 years now, 2 years and I've made little improvement at all, Ideally eating disorder places expect you to recover within a year so why have I just continued to pretty much stay exactly the same for 2 whole years? I just keep denying myself food, I mean I don't feel unwell, my anxiety is better so that's no longer the problem, I don't think I'm fat, I don't avoid high calorie things. I just tell myself no. How can I recover if I don't understand what the hell is going on in my head right now?? I'm so exhausted, I'm lying in bed ashamed of hardly eating anything, looking at how skinny I am and hating it and my bones and joints ache, it's just too much for my body and I can't find the way out. I've tried to stay strong for too long now, I don't know how much more I can take of this. I hate you anorexia, you've screwed my life up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted June 10, 2014 Report Share Posted June 10, 2014 i knoow what you mean about anorexia being distructive to your life i can totally relate to that... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alittlelost Posted June 10, 2014 Report Share Posted June 10, 2014 I hear you Becca. I'm sorry you are struggling to know why. Maybe that is something to explore with your ED therapist? I'm in a similar position, although I have been healthy for four years, I am relapsing, I understand the struggle. Take care Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiffany01 Posted June 10, 2014 Report Share Posted June 10, 2014 Yeah yeah. me too. I don't like to eat much, just like you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eagleheart Posted June 10, 2014 Report Share Posted June 10, 2014 Hey Becca.I was just thinking of you & came online to pm you,then saw this post. is your eating issue to do with feeling strong & in control? That is certainly (part of) the case with me when i restrict my intake. Other areas of my life can be so disordered & chaotic that having control of something can be quite empowering. I feel strong & formidable when i am denying my body food. This probably is of no use at all but i hope you can unravel the reasons for your ed.xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Becca95 Posted June 10, 2014 Author Report Share Posted June 10, 2014 Wow, was not expecting to log on and see this! Thank you all so much, this really means a lot! It's nice to know that people understand too, thanks for sharing that with me although, of course I wish you didn't also suffer. I was discharged from the Eating Disorder unit as I turned 18 they could no longer see me and they supposedly referred me to the adult place but so far I've heard nothing so no clue whether they've actually sticked to their word or not.. To be honest, my eating disorder started due to my anxiety disorder and intent fear of being sick but now my anxiety has improved a lot so I don't understand my I'm still restricting my food. Eagleheart, been a long time! I think you may be partly right, I did wonder before whether it was something to do with that. I do like feeling in control, knowing that I'm at no risk of suddenly becoming ill or be sick so it's comfort I suppose. I guess I just need to try and look deeper into it and try and fathom out what Im really doing intentionally or unintentionally.. I have been given a food and mood chart though to fill in, as I am with the CMHT now, so confusing all these different places, isn't it? Yeah, I found out in my report they send out to me and my GP after the appt that I have BPD traits, which I was shocked about because I have been wondering this for a long time and I didn't even mention these issues in that appt yet she still picked it up somehow. Anyways, just have to keep trying, I know that deep down, it just gets so hard sometimes and you really do just feel like throwing in the towel. thanks again for all the support and understanding. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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