The Beginning Of A Journey Within The Journey

[Peregrine]

I have had CBT three times so far, each time it was useful, each time we worked at different aspects. I have never re-visited the actual traumas as I never felt the need, to avoid anxiety, confusion and negative emotion.

When I left my home country once I was done with school I never stayed in one place longer than 2 years. I experienced homelessness and unemployment. I tried to pick up jobs where I could and I nomad life continued for 7 years. By knuckling under I landed myself another job which came with accommodation and I have been geographically settled for 3 years. This stability also meant that I have been with the same CMHT for 3 years and I was lucky enough to be helped by the same CPN throughout this time. Throughout my life I have been diagnosed with major depression, BPD and bipolar 2. I never quite got how all of these things could fit under one bonnet and am now coming to understand that traits of all of these are expressed in CPTSD. My CPN used latter word for the first time only a few weeks ago. When he dropped it, I came out in a crying fit without knowing why. Later on I found the answer for myself and it was the 'T' in 'CPTSD' I took a strong disliking to. A couple of weeks passed and I became increasingly suicidal, visiting the train track once a day with my dog, visualising how I would sit holding her, waiting for a train. As I stood beside the track, sometimes a train would come and the BOOM together with the sudden rise in air pressure would pull me back to reality. After a week of this, I decided to send a letter to my CPN, the content of which is only very patchy in my memory. The following meeting with him, he asked whether therapy would be a good idea and without hesitating I said yes.

I am now waiting for the go ahead. While I am waiting I have started reading some stuff online, to help me understand CPTSD on a factual level and to try and comfort my anxiety of what lies ahead. I have found the following article to be extremely useful http://www.pete-walker.com/fAQsComplexPTSD.html

To all of those who wonder why I'm back: I read a lot about other people's journeys and find comfort in the knowledge that I am not alone. I am sorry for not posting much, the reason for which lies deep inside of wanting to concentrate and preserve energies. However, with every post I read I connect on an non-virtual level, wishing all troubled souls on this earth love and peace. And I wish nothing less to YOU, if you have read this far xx

[Peregrine]

Thank you for reading. Today is a mixed bag, but it's Sunday, so I have time on my hands to peruse the internet. It's bittersweet and I don't know whether I should stop reading so much just now. I've felt sick all day, to the verge of throwing up. Writing in my journal has helped although it's brought up many more questions and barriers I thought I had left behind years ago. I found myself flitting between my mother tongue and English. I think I am just scared, but strangely excited at the same time. You know, that feeling when your heart seems to have an itch whilst feeling sick to the pit of your stomach. I venture back to the past and have no problem recalling hurtful events. I am watching them play in front of my inner eye as if they were films and I'm passively watching. By passively I mean no emotion whatsoever is stirred inside me, which I take for what it is just now. It just is. I am feeling very lonely with all of it. I'm not down or tearful or anything. In fact I don't feel a thing apart from physical sickness and excitement. I think I would like to have some sort of emotion right now, just to feel human. I would like to connect with other humans. Sometimes I want to be held, but not today. I don't know what I want apart from having an emotion.

[DaisyChain]

I dont know what to say, apart from that I hear you x

[Peregrine]

Thanks Daisy, that's very kind xx

[mousie]

just wow

the depth of what you write

getting a label and knowing what it means

and being at the start of the journey

to grow through those things that brought the label, the diagnosis

i hope you have good resources available to you

and thank goodness you have here to ask and share

that you are not isolated completely

the dissociative elements of what you describe are very familiar

being shut off, cut off, and yet available

its a brain coping and survival feature

and each step i take on my own journey

... my labels are bpd and did (though i prefer desnos)

i feel like alice... the door getting further away

and yet when i slow down

the journey becomes easier, lighter

and progress happens

the door for my alice gets closer

even though that progress brings fallout, taking its own time to fall into place

for me to work slowly with the settling of the impact of 'working on myself'

i hope as you take the courage to trust the process, the professionals

that you get to stop and smell flowers

that you get some ways to enjoy the journey though it has its demands and challenges

i hope your journey is gentle and well held

and today i hope your day is gentle

[Peregrine]

Mousie, your words are like gems. Beautiful to look at, precious and to be treasured. It means so much, this truthful connection with people who have endured similar, whos beauty so strong and invisible to most. Thank you for your thoughtful response which warmed the place of my heart that seems so desolate, fragile and scared. Your words founded in your own journey which despite of its uniqueness strikes the chords alongside my own inner music. The strength to keep going comes from these moments of connectedness, the decision to support the inner will that there is a way. I realise very often that the most profound wisdom is anchored in unimaginable pain and suffering and the sheer power of acknowledging, utilising and sharing these parts with others should be celebrated. We don't celebrate enough. Thank you, Mousie, for beating the drums to the sunrise of a new dawn which is given to all of us willing to stop and listen. I saw my CPN just now and my notes are with the psychologist. I hope that whatever decision is made, I can embrace its outcome, but I am silently hoping they will be happy to see me. My day yesterday was gentle and fluffy like cotton wool. Although I wished it would be different, I prefer the moments of disconnectedness to full blown horror and anguish. I hope we can share more. I wish you well.

[mousie]

i am crying

and enjoy reading your writing

a kindred spirit much

and to have that two way pull... to want to connect, engage, sense and feel earthed

and yet wanting to absent (quite understandably) from the every millisecond five-way car crash of trauma symptoms

i had forgotten how that duality is for me/us quite natural... so much so that its a 'normal'

and yet the normals out there in normal land would be a total mess if they had to endure this stuff!!

i did have an avatar motto for quite a while 'if you were me you'd be dead by now'

which would have been one heck of a t-shirt!! (very emo-goth of me)

i hope that where you live

your rooms

are filled with fairy lights and nice smells and comforting things

that you have the self permission to be gentle to yourself

and give yourself space, time and kindness

because this is so very necessary and yet so easy to dismiss and therefore often hard won

and woah have i taken the scenic route on that one!

but my door is open to these things now. ajar at times (thought at other times, the door can go bang!)

if its ok to ask

have you heard of five rhythms (dancing)?

its just that its one of the most wonderful healing processes i've discovered

where i've encountered my innocence, my childhood, my growing empowerment

and these things i thought i'd never have, would never come my way, that they'd been taken for good

it gives me a grounding anchor in a way which little else has done for so many years

just sharing something that's made a difference

i hope those professionals not only give you warmth, acceptance, gentle nurturing, time and space

but that they quite rightly and rather swiftly admire your openness, intelligence and trust

it takes humility and courage to take these steps

and if i can be any sort of ally to you, count me in

[Peregrine]

You are so very right, Mousie, to permit the positives to heal the bad. Our internal battles filled daily with fighting the blues, the cause of which are not down to our own making. Sometimes so frightened to mistrust the good, creating times when no one is allowed close but desperatly wanting to be helped. You are already an ally, a fellow traveller and warrior in the battleships of many lives. The Vikings had female shieldmaidens and I like to visualize myself as such. It's empowering not only because of the fact that females where once held in such high regard, but the picture of exploring new seas and land, to deal with the unexpected and the stress of battles is very fitting with our inner worlds. I have not heard of five rhythms and will look it up. My place of living is far away from towns and cities and lies on a dead end road, two miles away from the nearest village. The tranquility allows for little distraction but the stillness can also come at a price in not trying to get lost. My trauma symptoms seem dull, I don't get visual flashbacks, only emotional connections to the past in living present situations. I have ordered a book by Pete Walker 'Complex PTSD: From surviving to thriving' as I found his website so informative. I really really hope with every day of waiting that a professional is happy to see me. Now would be a good time, as I feel fairly stable and willing to work on myself. Have a good day Mousie.

[Peregrine]

Writing on my phone always squashes the text together.

[mousie]

hey Fabhcún Gorm

i've felt that viking blood

resilience to cold (but i put that down to dissociation)

and being fair

warrior maidens

that brought images of Boudica. formidable celt

most recently i learned that i had become my own abuser

taking up where 'they' had left off

and i don't want that label

which is why i try to be kind to self

... even though i feel embarrassment, shame, it feels like i'm stealing from my children

but on the other side of that, i want to model self care for them

but again, there's that two way pull

it sounds in some ways idyllic living i hope in a tranquil place

the city is constant din

the advantages tilt with disadvantages

if you get the chance, 'why love matters' by sue gerhardt is worth a look

wishing you a day of dappled sunshine

[maddy harper]

hopee your theropy goes well

[Peregrine]

Thank you, mousie and maddy. I have been quiet, but nothing wrong with that. Trying to be mindful of time as it's given, using my 72 colour crayons. Mousie, the book is on my wish list now, thank you. A dappled sunshine day it was. I've got a glass crystal hanging in the window and this morning I've got 7 rainbows on my walls. Enjoy the lovely weather.

[Peregrine]

And the day came

When the risk to remain

Closed tightly in a bud

Became more painful

Than the risk it took

To blossom

~Anonymous~

[mousie]

those rainbows

those colours

and such beauty in a flower

reflect the you within

the depth and colour for which

are far more breathtaking than any word, any colour or shape could define

fly and soar

sweet bird

tilt and ride

[Peregrine]

Thank you, mousie. Your words like water for a garden.

[mousie]

hey Fabhcún Gorm

there's glorious sunshine here

i hope you have it where you are

and that as the air warms

you feel the warmth gently to your core

letting that warmth be with you. allowing you to sense

and as you sense yourself

that you are so very kind to all that is you

moving slowly and deliberately

enjoying the flow of movement

[Peregrine]

I've had a good day so far. The sun is shining here too and I've spent most of my day outside, bumbling over the meadows on my quad bike. It's the hours spent outdoors that I treasure the most, amongst all of the things that are close to my heart. Mousie, do you know how long it can take for a psychologist to go through notes and then decide what to do? I'm not unfamiliar with all of this, but I'm growing impatient already. I don't know why. I guess I'm all fired up and eager to move forward and I feel I can't do it on my own. Hope you let the sunshine in as well :-)

[mousie]

hey Fabhcún Gorm

sorry ive been away from this keyboard for a day or so

lots on and also feeling a bit shaky at times

it does depend on the type of psychologist you're being assessed by

i trained as a counselling psychologist,

but there are other disciplines

and i'm not sure what their approach is although i'd guess something similar...

a formulation (which is what they tend to call it...

taking in notes, history, current presenting issues, family dynamics,

psychobio stuff, supportive environment factors, treatment options, exit plans, onward/next steps stuff)

took me around 2 hours if very complex, 20 minutes if straight forward

but then its how many patient/clients this psychologist is assessing,

and then reviews with other staff to agree treatment pathways and funding if referring to an external source

and that latter process is beholden to diaries of professionals in demand

and in my experience, that can take around two weeks

but then i didn't hang around and would push like heck

i'd strongly suggest you call them at least once a week if not twice

just to ask for a progress update

which can also be a helpful/niggling reminder for them

a quad bike!! that's top awesome and good medicine

[Peregrine]

Mousie, thank you. I too have been away. Work is very stressful at the moment and I'm trying to take the few hours that are left of the day just for myself. Thank you for your informative reply. So far I haven't heard anything but I'm planning on giving my CPN a call tomorrow. I have been stable over the last three weeks or so, but I know things are lurking and it's always just a matter of time. It's funny how, when I'm well I can bullshit myself into'everything is fine'. And I really do feel that way. But looking back over my life it never is in the long run. Socially I'm a nightmare, so I have taken a huge step back and have isolated myself from contacts. No family in this country either. I'm doing fine though, I'm coping but it's hardly how I define life to be. But there are blessings. I've got a job I love mostly, a roof over my head, which should never be taken for granted, and I'm not hungry. Will stop here for today, but not without saying that you are a hugely precious person. Giving, caring, kind. Thank you for your time and mind the way you go.

[mousie]

hooo! i can so relate to taking stability for granted!

and i have things set up now for when wobbles come

i mostly know what to do

but still as yet haven't gotten to put together the notion, intuiting rest days

where i need to settle and let the empty well of resources fill again

which can take at least twice the amount of time i 'think' is needed!

wishing you a beautiful day ahead

[Peregrine]

Hard day at work. Huge fall-out with my manager. It's all a lot of cack. I know I'm not the only one, as the whole team is in bits and manager doesn't put down guidelines. Hugely confused. Got a migraine, so will just try and sleep it off. Confident that better times are ahead, just feeling drained and hugely despondent right now. Got in touch with CPN yesterday, the psychologist wants to see me. Good news. Waiting to hear when. Feeling tired and overwhelmed. Night night.

[mousie]

i'm hoping and wishing you a deep, restful night

it is really good knowing the psychologist wants to see you

and that you found the resources to ask what's happening

because you are a friend i'm grateful that you're taking care of my friend

[Peregrine]

Lovely Mousie! I slept ok but had to go to work with the migraine. But my manager appologized at lunch which was nice, as the atmosphere was awful. And of course, after that the pain went. I knew things would clear up eventually, it's just the intensity of emotions that knock me flat usually coupled with a lot of physical pain. In those situations it's a problem that we care so much, in others it's an asset. Looking forward to my day off tomorrow which there are far and few between. I'm going to continue on my drawing with my colour pencils and probably have a lot of leisure naps inbetween. Hope your day was kind, Mousie.

[mousie]

thank you wonderful Fabhcún Gorm

its been easy and low key today

played catch with my youngest

now cooking supper for everyone

is there any way you can reduce how much work you do?

cos working through traumatic stuff can bring its own demands on resources

i know that either side of the therapy couch it can be exhausting at times

[Peregrine]

Awesome, playing catch! There's nothing quite like wind, sun and rain on your face, made even sweeter by a laughing child. At the moment we work 6 day weeks, sometimes more which is just the demand of the job during the summer months. It will die down again for the winter. Once the time has come, I will speak with my manager to consider options but I've got a feeling that support is available when needed. I sometimes wonder what I've let myself in for. This will be the fifth time with a psychologist of which three times during the past I've had CBT to help me in the short-term. I remember times of utter exhaustion, emotional battlefields and numbness I remedied with selfharm. But each time also filled me with life, so I hope this time will be no different. Thanks for being there, Mousie, you kind soul.