Eagleheart Posted June 15, 2014 Report Share Posted June 15, 2014 I was on such a manic high for a couple of days.I felt deliriously happy & totally invincible. Today,it has all crashed down around me. Thick black despair. I've been SHing since i got up this morning.Had a lucky break when hubby decided to go out earlier. Free rein to take out my rage on myself. I am so exhausted.Every small movement is agony. Why can't it last? That amazing high? Why not? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Distracted Posted June 15, 2014 Report Share Posted June 15, 2014 Eagle heart, I don't have the words right now but I do hope you are safe. Keep posting and be kind to yourself if you can. I know what you mean about the highs. Mine seem to have gone haywire just now from one extreme to the other whenever they feel like it. I hope you are ok xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eagleheart Posted June 15, 2014 Author Report Share Posted June 15, 2014 Thanks (((distracted))). It means a lot that you replied despite how YOU are feeling. Yes,it is so utterly draining when moods fly around wildly. I hope that you & i can get some rest.xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Distracted Posted June 15, 2014 Report Share Posted June 15, 2014 I do hope you can get some rest eagleheart. Are you feeling any better? Is there anything you could do to take your mind off things (reading/writing etc) x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eagleheart Posted June 15, 2014 Author Report Share Posted June 15, 2014 Hubby just came home,so no more SH. I will just watch telly for the evening & maybe harm myself in bed later. He doesnt come to bed until 5 or 6 in the morning. I'll probably pop some vallies when i go to bed so i can hopefully get some kip. What a life! No life really-more like existing.:( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nataya Posted June 16, 2014 Report Share Posted June 16, 2014 i am sorry things are so hard for you right now. i wish i had more words for you. but i just want you to know ill be thinking of you. i hope that you were able to get some rest. take care Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Distracted Posted June 16, 2014 Report Share Posted June 16, 2014 Eagleheart hugs xx I hope today is a bit easier than yesterday xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eagleheart Posted June 16, 2014 Author Report Share Posted June 16, 2014 Thanks hun. Today,i can barely walk.My entire body feels beaten up.I feel pathetic & useless & stupid.Infact,i feel so lousy it makes me want to SH,to punish myself for being such a failure.Fuck it all. MY LIFE IS A TOTAL MESS. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eagleheart Posted June 16, 2014 Author Report Share Posted June 16, 2014 P.S. That was a thanks to BOTH of you btw.Sorry.My brain is not firing on all cylinders atm. (((Nataya))) (((Distracted))). xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DaisyChain Posted June 16, 2014 Report Share Posted June 16, 2014 You don't deserve to hurt, you have been hurt enough already Please take care of yourself if you can xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted June 17, 2014 Report Share Posted June 17, 2014 [[[be kind to your self eagleheart sweets]]] xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eagleheart Posted June 17, 2014 Author Report Share Posted June 17, 2014 Thankyou,sweet Maddy Harper.You too.xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mousie Posted June 18, 2014 Report Share Posted June 18, 2014 hey Eagleheart i've mentioned this in another thread so please forgive if you've read before only it helped in a way that nothing else did when i was on 15minute watch on a locked ward i was desperate to do x y and z to self but knew i had to survive (against the storm within) a pastor challenged me about s/i and stuff she asked what would be harder, a greater punishment... doing the stuff to self or not? well duh!! not doing stuff to self would be much harder. agony (very real) she said well you know what to do then!! it was freaking hard so freaking hard but i got through i hope this is useful to you goodness knows i know that place. like a second freaking home!! and wish you well through your self storm. safe passage Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted June 18, 2014 Report Share Posted June 18, 2014 how are you today eagleheart??? hope today is a better one for you xox Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eagleheart Posted June 18, 2014 Author Report Share Posted June 18, 2014 Mousie & Maddy, I really appreciate your care & concern.It is a comfort to me.I feel very disregarded by hubby atm.He has distanced himself from me & gives me no comfort,even if i make my needs obvious.I suppose it was bound to happen.I am well aware that i am "really hard work to deal with".It's just a shame that his care is withdrawn at a time when i desperately need to feel wanted,loved & important.I am no longer at the top of his list of priorities.To be honest,i am number 4,if i'm lucky. And so,the punishment goes on.Used the hammer yesterday & think maybe i overdid it...................... The need to keep punishing is intense.I will try to put what you passed on Mousie.Yes,it would be hell to have to resist the SH urge...........................................xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted June 19, 2014 Report Share Posted June 19, 2014 i know what you mean about punnishing your self because i do it too i hacked off a load off my dreads because i hate my self and only want the ugly person to come out as well as being inside me if that makes sence... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mousie Posted June 19, 2014 Report Share Posted June 19, 2014 ok so you're on a mission just over the next 24 hours this is a stealth mission the mission is to stay safe it will take courage and self discipline but it has an end time this mission involves a focus on fun i'm not kidding objective, to have fun at least once every waking hour silly, creative or profound, but fun and any reader of this wanting to take on this mission is welcome to do so Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted June 19, 2014 Report Share Posted June 19, 2014 that's a good idea mousey Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eagleheart Posted June 19, 2014 Author Report Share Posted June 19, 2014 Oh Maddy,how sad that you felt so bad that you attacked yourself in that way. Please try not to do it again. My hair is the one thing i 100% like about myself. In some strange way,it is also a shield. I cant really explain that. Anyway,thanks for sharing with me. Look after yourself.xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eagleheart Posted June 19, 2014 Author Report Share Posted June 19, 2014 Mousie- i love the ideas you share. You always manage to offer great alternatives to habitual behaviours & i really appreciate you for that. I am trying to stick to the mission-i just sang a silly song about diarrheoa & collapsed into a giggling heap! Earlier on,i went outside & walked barefoot on the grass. Ooh what a glorious feeling! Not sure if i can keep it up but i have felt lighter in my spirit. A million thanks hun.xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mousie Posted June 19, 2014 Report Share Posted June 19, 2014 i just blew kisses at a cat completely ignored me! but it gorra laugh from me (i laughed, not the cat. now that would have made me uber freakout!!) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted June 19, 2014 Report Share Posted June 19, 2014 well, the voices told me to cut my self so i cut my hair instead mousey your a little gem xox Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eagleheart Posted June 20, 2014 Author Report Share Posted June 20, 2014 Hey Mousie! Just wanted to tell you about something i did today.I did a diy pamper treatment on my feet.I had to improvise,but it worked a treat. I totally covered my feet with moisturiser,then wrapped each foot in a plastic bag(courtesy of asda!) & let them soak in it for 20 mins.The only flaw in my plan was forgetting to bring a towel through with me to remove the excess,so i had to slip & slide my way back to the bathroom to get one.Oh dear me! Glad no one was around to see that!! I asked hubby to get me nail polish & he came home with 4 different colours,all of which are gorgeous.Job done! Thanks for encouraging me to do nice things.It's not as hard as i thought.xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted June 20, 2014 Report Share Posted June 20, 2014 glad today has been a better one for you eagleheart... i'm running the guinea pigs at the moment and they are making me laugh running round their pen like nuters :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mousie Posted June 20, 2014 Report Share Posted June 20, 2014 heya Eagleheart so lovely to read what you've been doing so.... as this mission was by all accounts a success... next mission is at least one fun thing every single day for a whole week pretty please? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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