All Alone

[Reglois]

Hi I am 67 years old, the widow of a sadistic evil man, I live in France in a very rural area

there is no help for me here, asked and all I got was a psychiatrist that said she wasn't

qualified to deal with some one like me !!!! I have PTSD and DD Live all alone with my

rescue dogs

To cut a long story short, recently had a revealing flashback to my childhood, always suspected

my father but was never sure, was scared stiff of him, he also beat me and told me I was nothing

as I was born the wrong sex, I am the oldest and he wanted boys, the next 2 were then my little sister,

I was used as a nanny to the youngest 2. Managed to leave at 18 after getting r****d at a party, was

co-erced by my parents into marrying a divorced man 15 years my senior, he had a 3 yr old boy,

needed a roof so I did, the worst decision of my life. After I had my daughter (from the r**e) he turned into

a monster,

I sought help but was told that there is no such thing as r**e in marriage and to come back if it got worse,

never went back even though I was being tortured, didn't think they would believe me and *he* had said

that if I ever breathed a word he would see to it that I lost the kids, he already had sole custody of his son

so I believed him when he said he could get my girls on sole custody too. Stayed for 43 years until he died

three years ago. Don't ask me why I don't know, brainwashed I suppose. I wish I had left as it had a very

bad effect on the kids I protected them the very best I could but they are all submissive and one is a survivor.

Sorry rambling on

[DaisyChain]

hello Reglois, it sounds like you have had a very tough time, I am glad that you are safe now. Have you considered paying for counselling, is that a possibility. I am sorry that the Psychiatrist that you had felt he was unable to help you, here in the UK they generally deal with meds anyway.

In the UK there is a centre called r*pe and s**ual abuse counselling centre, is there anything like this where you live, it is a free confidential service who I am finding to be very helpful in dealing with abusive relationships as well as childhood abuse and r*pe.

Just want to say welcome to the boards, and I hope that you find you are able to open up here and get some support

Take care x

[Reglois]

TY Daisy for caring

Absolutely nothing here, even if there was it would be in a foreign language, on a pitiful UK pension so

can't afford to pay, I would rather have my dogs than afford counselling once a week, woofers are there 24/7

Out in the country here the man is king and can do nothing wrong.

[mousie]

hi Reglois

welcome to the forum and i hope you find good things here

there are approaches to healing that don't require a counsellor

for traumatic experiences there's Emotional Freedom Techniques

often called EFT, referred to as 'tapping'

put together by Gary Craig, a really lovely person that made a very expensive trauma therapy free

(it was called Thought Field Therapy, for use in war zones, very long expensive training)

and openly available to folks in developing countries that had neither access nor funds for trauma treatment

and you can access the 'basic recipe' from the manual here...

http://www.emofree.com/eft-tutorial/eft-tapping-tutorial.html

if you can get a copy, sue gerhardt's 'why love matters' is cheap and worth getting

its a fundamental thing to read for childhood trauma survivors

and essential is to be part of an understanding community that's 'been there'

and you've found it here!

there are lovely folks here and i hope you find your way to be yourself and be part of things here

wishing you gentle days ahead

[maddy harper]

[[[hugs]]]

[Reglois]

Thank you Mousie, put that link in favourites and have already started on it, I will try anything and

that seems so easy to understand and learn.

I absolutely fell apart when *written off* by the system here as being too difficult, felt like they thought

I was a liar and of course trying to explain in a foreign language doesn't help when I can hardly

understand myself in English. I do realise that what I have been doing is helping otherwise I wouldn't

have these revolting recovered memories, just seems thatjust as I begin to process one another one hits me.

I dissociate a LOT, not a good idea but can't cope without it. No confidence in myself or my abilities, been

told since a little child that I was useless, abnormal (I'm totally left handed and was hit a lot even by teachers,

trying to make me *normal*)

I am at last seeing that I can do things on my own. I do try and glean as many tips as I can from other peoples

experiences and therapy tips.

Think I am going to find this site very helpful thank you I feel good about it and cannot say that about all sites I

have tried

[walker]

love your dogs pics

we have a rescue dog too

now live alone with him

he is like our shadow!!

[Reglois]

I now have 6, all cruelty cases. The avatar is from dogs over 20 years ago.

I also get followed every where by all bar one

[mousie]

hey Reglois

its so typical of folks with traumatic backgrounds to be treated in that way

but the good news is that trauma is really quite easy to treat

and quick too

its the developmental stuff that is the long haul

but you are in a good place here to get insight into how you grew up

what you missed out on

and nurture all the parts of you that didn't get nurtured

and all those that dismissed, abused, humiliated and rejected you can go take a running jump

all they were doing was showing their own insecurities, diseased beliefs and pain

and utterly deplorable that the child you were and inside still are was treated so cruelly

i'm so sorry that little you got so hurt

so is it possible that you could do things for that little you now?

i have a few ideas if you'd be interested

and do please tell me to back off if this isn't ok

wishing you a gentle evening

[Reglois]

Going to be an awful lot of nurturing !!!!! never ever had any.

My 2 main abusers are both dead, my father 6 years and my

husband 3, my mother also, she never protected me from the

beatings, she protected the others, did she know about the

abuse? don't know, don't suppose she would have cared about

that either. Being well trained into absolute obedience I was

a predators dream come true when my parents pushed me onto

my husband.

[maddy harper]

there are lots of supportive people on here so you wont be alone for long i can tell you that at least...

[mousie]

hi Reglois

this has worked for me and i hope it will for you

i bought a colouring in book for a toddler and some crayons

from a poundshop kind of shop

and let the little me look around where i was living

and see it was an ok place there and then

and that i could sit down and enjoy colouring in

and i, from a tiny place within, went proper nuts colouring in

broke boundaries. coloured over the line where colours should stop

really enjoyed doing that cos it was against the 'what i'm supposed to do'

i hope this idea doesn't offend or sound stupid

it goes beyond logic. beyond grown up stuff

i hope today is beautiful for you and that you can hear birdsong

[Reglois]

Thank you for the welcome Maddy

TY Mousie

Haven't met little me yet, don't even feel like there is one in there. I do know what it is like to have one as my friend has three, but only I can talk to them, on Skype, cos she's in the US, she can't !

Just to let you know, I live in a most beautiful area, tiny hamlet of ten houses, surrounded by forests, mountains and rivers, 3 cars in a row are a traffic jam. The biggest river in France starts from just above my garden. At night it is pitch black, watch the stars, hear nightingales, foxes and deer barking and coughing, spend a LOT of time just standing out by my front door just looking and listening into the dark. Nearest town is 12 kms away, so peace yes I have it in abundance;

[mousie]

oh Reglois!!

i can imagine the echoes

of birdsong

and animals barking

the scent of flowers and trees

could you put down a few blankets, a pillow and a cool drink

and lie down taking in the stars?

could you call to them?

sing to them?

that, like friends here, at times even though we can't see them, they're still there

[Reglois]

Don't need the blanket, actually wouldn't get a look in at the stars cos I have 6 dogs and if I were lying on the ground they would all be on top of me I do stay out on the balcony for hours at night just drinking in the sounds and smells and the beautiful inky , velvety blackness of it all. In winter it is even more beautiful as the stars seem to have rainbow auras round them If I am lucky enough to have my little granddaughter with me I do take her out and show it all to her, she lives in GB and the skies are often orange from all the lights. I know I am lucky in a lot of ways so shouldn't complain but the utter loneliness does get to me when the memories and flashbacks get bad like now. Birthday tomorrow and used to get themed tortures on high days and holidays, he kept it like that so that I would have time to work myself up into a state because I knew it was coming.

Now have learned fear responses

[mousie]

hi Reglois

i am so sorry that you went through that

and can so relate to the waiting

at times worse than the t...... itself

what a f...... b...... he was

i wish i could go back and fight him off for you

i hope its ok to ask

but is there any way at all that you could take back your birthday?

re-issue it so to speak, that it means something completely different?

and to celebrate with you the you that didn't get celebrated?

could you write words and read them out?

words that mark a new beginning and a releasing of those that are now dust?

drawing a line. for you. purely yours

that this world and your friends are now yours. not to be taken away and played with

and may i have permission to wish you a happy b....... tomorrow? with positive meaning?

please do say if that isn't acceptable

because my intention is to be completely for you

[Reglois]

Thank you for the birthday wishes Mousie. For the first time ever I am having a birthday, friends that moved out her permanently last year are doing a special meal for me and as they are both chefs should be yummy, got to hold myself together as they know very little, just that he was abusive.

Too many birthdays (each of the kids, mine, his) Christmas, New Year, Easter (that's the worst ever) Halloween, Mothers day, bank holidays every special event is ruined by *him* and his themed *fun time* I am very repressed/depressed and not at all forthcoming so doing anything out of the ordinary is scary or impossible, can't even talk to myself other than In my head. Can't break the training of keeping my mouth shut or else. Too long.

[mousie]

hey Reglois

i know about training

and i know it can be dissipated

i have seen people get free many times

even though it lasted for such a vast amount of time

it can be undone

i believe this with great confidence because i've seen it happen

and the cool thing is

that your training almost certainly didn't include writing on the web

so you are free to be here

and you haven't said anything i don't already know about this stuff

so you've not said anything at all (just keeping you safe... i believe you know what i mean)

[DaisyChain]

Happy birthday for tomorrow Reglois

I'm so glad that you are going to be sharing it with friends, that you can for once have a birthday as it should be

With love and thinking of you x

[mousie]

hi Reglois

i hope you had a really lovely day

and that your friends made everything completely different

and that you had a very beautiful birthday

i have to confess and be honest

after you had said that you had friends coming to be with you

the fear i had relaxed

and its only now that i realise that i hadn't been here for what is now yesterday

to give my best wishes

and for that i'm ashamed and very sorry

the shock hit me as i was trying to sleep

i'm such a dumb cluck

but i really hope you had the most wonderful day

[mousie]

Reglois i am so very sorry

i hope you are ok

i've not right to ask for forgiveness

but i am truly and deeply sorry

and wish with all my heart that you are ok

[Reglois]

Dear Mousie

Please don't upset yourself, you did nothing whatsoever wrong and shouldn't feel the least bit of guilt.

I DID have a nice evening and hoping that my birthdays and other anniversaries will no longer be a

thing of fear and trepidation

[mousie]

oh Reglois

its so good to know that you had a nice evening

and thank you for being so kind about my chaos

i mean well, even though i mess up

you can now take back those days to make your own

and plan ahead with each one so that good things happen with each day

this is truly wonderful

[buzzybee]

Hello Reglois,

Im so sorry I have only just read your thread and welcome to the forum. As you would have already ascertained, there are many lovely people here who i can see have given you a warm welcome already and fantastic ides for supporting yourself, due to the horrible manner in which you have been treated by mental health professionals and I use the term professional very loosely.

Just know that you are amongst caring and like minded people, who will help to,metaphorically speaking, hold your hand and be a shoulder when your in need of support.

[Reglois]

TY Bee

I don't really blame the professionals here, they just haven't got the experience for some one

like me I suppose, and in a foreign language it is very hard to explain;