A Dexter Parody?

[ekim]

I wonder if this was the right section of forum to post this? Should be, since the biggest thing happening today is disconnect. I suppose it doesn't matter, since nowhere is right for me.

And I don't really know how to blog here, I'm denied from that area. So if this falls more under blog....well, there you go.

Just another one of those days where I can't tell if I'm still asleep and dreaming or awake.

Or maybe closer to realizing a truth that I never existed other than as a dream in someone else's head.

All I can do is smile as my wife says she knows me, knows how I think, when I know she only knows some pieces, but there's still most parts inside me she doesn't know at all.

The worst part of how little of the real me she knows is she knows me far more than anyone else.

It's not from lack of me opening up. It's lack of having the words for her to understand what my head does to my reality. I don't think any normal people can ever wrap their heads around what I'm dealing with or exactly how good a job I'm doing hiding things to not be a drag on others.

Another day wishing death upon all those teachers in school who told my parents that my bad grades and saying I couldn't understand was because I wasn't applying myself and needed to simply want to do the work.

Wishing death for all those people who take my moments of confusion from too many voices or thoughts hitting at once for stupidity, when I scored a 143 IQ test.

And I wish cancer on those who knew all my diagnosis and saw how I lived and then STILL, with that knowledge, dared to look at me for a loser and a bum for not working.

So I suppose in a related note, sorry to that guy I almost strangled when I did try to work. You know who you are. That was the ultimate case of it's not you, it's me.

In some ways, I want it to all be a dream. I hate to think I share the planet with so many shitty people.

I don't know what I'll do if my wife dies before me. She's the only one I can feel and connect with. When she goes.....the dream will likely turn nightmare.

I am just so fucking tired of the disconnect. I keep fighting to be positive (on the outside), fighting to be good and safe to others.....all the while having the others in my head pushing and pushing and wanting to cause pain.

I think of my friends growing up. A couple suicides, some were shot while I was with them (it was a drive by, I didn't do it), some kills, a girl that ODed and bled out her eyes, nose, ears and convulsed and died in my arms because some other psycho out there sold who knows what kind of chemicals or sink cleaner that was suppose to be coke.....

Incidentally, that's a large part of why I cling to being good. To honor that girl. To be one less dangerous psycho.

I tried Twitter for a bit, but stopped. Thought it was funny how some people thought I was kidding about being crazy, or my particular diagnosis. Mocked that what did I think I was, Dexter?

Dexter is just phony TV crazy, I don't understand real mental people, I was told.

That's funny, since so much of Dexter was me (except the literal killing, no need to send pigs my way).

So basically I had the world out there telling me I was a caricature and no one is like me. That I'm a parody of even mentally ill people.

Any idea how isolated it is to be told you don't fit in anywhere? Any group of any kind?

I've actually identified and stopped sociopaths out there in Twitter, stopped them by calling them out and telling their list exactly what they were doing. I keep trying to help in the little ways I can....but why am I bothering?

Why. That's the question I spend my life asking. I'm never any closer to an answer.

I get where my thoughts are so many that I can't think at all sometimes. Or the others in my head....they want to destroy this shell.

My theory that I still hold to is this shell was born with too many souls. There's suppose to be one and there's 9 in here. And we all battle to control the brain, because the one front and center controls the shell.

I'm so tired of having to be alert and in control at all times. Never a rest or some bad people might could do things. Not that anyone would believe it wasn't simply me.

Always fighting and not feeling like I'm getting anywhere for it. Just fighting to fight. No one else cares, so why should I?

That's not even correct, I don't care. I do it, I try being good, from some arbitrary form of self imposed goal and moral code (See? Like Dexter!).

I know I can feel love. I love my wife and would both die and kill for her without hesitation and live to be with her. She proved to me the concept of soulmates are real....she just got a raw deal on her other half.

Yet, why can't I feel with anyone else? Maybe I'm like one of those dogs that have been trained to fight. They're so broken, it's hopeless and the only thing left to do is put them down.

I hope I'm awake. I hate to have wrote all this and have it not exist.

I don't know what the point is to writing all this. You always hear people say it's suppose to help. Well, here it is. Now doesn't everyone feel better?

[Jelly-bean]

Hi

Ive watched dexter the whole series, and i can relate to having simular feelings to his character, in fact at one point of watching it on netflix night after night i gave myself a break from it as it triggered me in many ways... (im not saying i wanted to kill,or feel like killing anyone) ..

Its more to do with how he feels he cant relate to people his social awkwardness, how a childhood trauma set him up in his adult life, and his surrounding influences ...

But one thing is for sure he did in fact find love feel love, and showed love , emotions that in the beginning and all the way through he struggled with as have i, and i feel you do too... and yet to love your partner as you obviously do is a step in the right direction ..

[maddy harper]

i find the iceolation realy difficult

being blind don't help with that iether

so i can relate to what your saying