Eagleheart Posted June 29, 2014 Report Share Posted June 29, 2014 I'm not sure if this will make any sense.My emotions are so churned up,my anxiety has shot off the scale.Sorry.I'll get on with it....... Recently,i traumatically remembered being sexually abused when i was 4-5.This long-buried expeience shook me to the core & i have not been coping at all.A lot of SHing. So,i was remembering stuff from my childhood that makes no sense to me.My parents were totally non-religious,but i clearly remember asking god not to punish me.I'd promise i would be a good girl,even though i had not misbehaved.I remember sobbing my heart out,saying sorry for being a bad girl.Such vivid recollections.At the age of 5,i was full of fear of god taking me to hell,because i was a bad girl. Where did that belief in my innate "badness" come from? NOT my parents,because,like i said,they had no religion.I can't stress that point enough. So who put that notion in my head?It still dogs me.A 4yr old kid is not going to conjure the whole christian concept of good & evil & of being sent to hell for being an evil child,are they? Seriously,i couldn't have planted these nasty ideas in my own head as a small child. I now have the sneaking suspicion that the man who abused me told me if i said anything about what he did to me,i would go to hell for being an evil little girl. The whole thing is killing me.I am falling apart.I REALLY need help.Not docs or psychs.I need help from my friends.This is fucking with my head so bad. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starryeyesee Posted June 29, 2014 Report Share Posted June 29, 2014 Hi Eagleheart I'm so sorry you went through this. I suffer from flashbacks from an event when I was 11 almost every day so I feel your pain. I'm glad you have reached out to people on here but I think if you have a therapist or pdoc they need to know too so they can help with the SH. PM me anytime and keep posting if it helps. You are not evil and deserve love and kindness. You're a good person. (Eagleheart) xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DaisyChain Posted June 29, 2014 Report Share Posted June 29, 2014 It is good that you have reached out here but like starry says I think you should let the professionals that are working with you know about this too, they are the ones that will be able to support you best with this. Whilst we can offer kindness. With love and thinking about you ((((hugs)))) Daisy x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted June 29, 2014 Report Share Posted June 29, 2014 (((eagleheart))) hell is waiting for the evil people who do these things to others NOT their innocent victims we agree you need to tell professionals but we all hear you and will continue to listen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buzzybee Posted June 29, 2014 Report Share Posted June 29, 2014 Eagleheart, im so deeply sorry to hear about your pain, trying to make sense of what happened to you as a small child and the confusion as to where the fear re: god and being bad came from. The core of this may be discovered through therapy, but also it may not. in my own personal experience (and i was also abused age 5 years old), even though I went through extensive therapy, there is still one aspect of the abuse, which I don't remember parts of, but I feel an emotional and physical reaction (nausea, high anxiety, fear, my gut flips), largely because my mind is protecting me from the additional trauma I may feel. Friends are really important to have, particularly when we are struggling, but in all honesty, it sounds like you may need to seriously consider working through your trauma experiences with a qualified therapist, as friends are too emotionally involved to be able to facilitate change. Friends can hold your hand when you are struggling, but therapy is really the only way, the safe way to explore past trauma. xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mousie Posted June 29, 2014 Report Share Posted June 29, 2014 hey Eagleheart becoming retraumatised is one of the most overhwelming things i've ever experienced and thinking back to how i was, i'd recommend to me then and to you now... - slow down. really slow down. do only the basics. hold back from big things for a while - please do everything you can that demonstrates you being kind to you - give yourself two weeks to adjust to this incoming information - imagine how you would treat a traumatised 4yr old child that's come from a war zone that's exactly how you need to treat you now - please know you have friends here that have trod and are treading the path - every single detail, everything about you, absolutely everything, matters Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eagleheart Posted June 29, 2014 Author Report Share Posted June 29, 2014 I am seen by my psych 3 times a year. For 15mins per appt. Apart from that i have NO care from any mh person. I am forgotten about. I HATE them anyway. They don't actually give a shit about me. I am an annoyance. So i've only got myself to rely on but i'm doing a shit job of that atm. Thats why i turned to you. Because you all really DO care & have the extra power of surviving the shit you've been dealt. But i was wrong to ask you. That was a bad thing. I had to be punished for that. Sorry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peregrine Posted June 29, 2014 Report Share Posted June 29, 2014 Hi Eagleheart, I agree with the above. Try and take a step back for now in as much as acknowledging your emotional turmoil over current inner events and try and focus on the here and now. It's an enormous thing trying to deal with on your own and incredibly easy to get lost amongst all there is: confusion and questions that currently don't hold clarity and answers. From my own experience it can take years to truthfully confront and I have 'wasted' entire weeks and months trying to soldier on. I've been 'with the system' since 2004 and only now feel ready to embrace to explore more deeply. The urge to find answers to help me feel more entire was with me all along, but only professionals could see I was nowhere near enough ready and stable, resulting in therapies focused on getting me more stable and independent without falling in and out of stormy relationships, drink, drugs, sleeping rough. When panic strikes, try and sit calmly, breathing deeply into your lungs and stomach whilst holding something that is close to your heart. I often visualize the clean air reaching every dark corner of my insides. Once the storm settled a bit, I would try and consider what feels right for you. Some people feel they would like professional help, others dive into work or a new project or make plenty of time for friends. All is good and ok, as everyone needs to go at their own pace. But for now, try and take comfort from your beating eagle heart whilst weathering the storm high in the sky until you feel ready to land. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eagleheart Posted June 29, 2014 Author Report Share Posted June 29, 2014 My hubby isn't being very nice with me. I tried to tell him about what i told you in this post & he snapped at me "ffs stop seeing conspiracies everywhere" & had a go at me for being "grim" all the time atm. He is usually my rock but he's making it clear i'm on my own with this one. I have sh'ed & feel devestated. I don't know if i can go on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eagleheart Posted June 29, 2014 Author Report Share Posted June 29, 2014 All of you are lovely. You've been so kind & patient with me. I feel very undeserving but incredibly grateful. Thank you.xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peregrine Posted June 29, 2014 Report Share Posted June 29, 2014 It's very sad, when the people closest to us deny us kind attention when we need it the most. It's not your fault, you are deserving. He may just not be able to connect with the depth of your thoughts and emotions right now. And it is hard and difficult to explain things to someone when there is only confusion, so it's tricky for them to understand. Stay safe. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted June 29, 2014 Report Share Posted June 29, 2014 NO IT WASNT WRONG TO ASK and we ARE here to help but we are not qualified to, well personally anyway you dont have to, or deserve to, deal with it alone in rl is there no one you trust enough to tell at least some of it to - who may be able to get you more support contact the psych and demand an appt ask your hub to call them it seems to take all our strength and biggest risks to access help - always in fear of being turned down or it not being what we need - which is so critical in a crisis but try to try xxxx ed. sorry just read that hub not being very understanding - so sorry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eagleheart Posted June 29, 2014 Author Report Share Posted June 29, 2014 Its ok Walker hun. I've always had to look after myself. And i'll do it again. I am a doormat for those who should be protecting me. It's happening now. Never thought hubby would turn on me. Its hit me bad. I am truly on my own now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eagleheart Posted June 29, 2014 Author Report Share Posted June 29, 2014 I just want each one of you to know that what you've said has been incredibly helpful. I will try to take on board the brilliant advice you have given. Thankyou. Truly. From the bottom of my heart. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mousie Posted June 29, 2014 Report Share Posted June 29, 2014 please stay with us Eagleheart we're rooting for you and in your corner ok you can't see us all but each of us is real and want the best for you sticking by you through this Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted June 30, 2014 Report Share Posted June 30, 2014 ooo my poor sweet girl i just wanna give you a massive hug and tell you everythings gonna be all right [[[xox]]] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eagleheart Posted June 30, 2014 Author Report Share Posted June 30, 2014 Oh Maddy,you are such a sweet soul.Thankyou for caring & being so thoughtful. I don't know how to describe how i am feeling today,other than saying i feel shell-shocked.The intensity of my raging emotions is exhausting me.My heart is hammering in my chest constantly,taking a breath hurts so much.I'm like a tube of toothpaste that someone is trying to squeeze the very last drop out of. I am going to try to live in the now,practise mindfulness.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nataya Posted June 30, 2014 Report Share Posted June 30, 2014 i am so sorry things are so tough for you right now. i am glad you can try practice mindfullness. i use sour things to help bring me back to the here and now....maybe its worth shareing i dont know. takr care and know ill be thinking of you huge hugs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mousie Posted June 30, 2014 Report Share Posted June 30, 2014 hey Eagleheart if its ok to make a suggestion? when i'm in what you've described i find one of the cuddle animals (plushies, cuddly toys) i have and i curl up with it, either sitting or lying on my side and i rock (foetal rocking) which brings comfort and calm especially if i'm under a duvet and i'm wrapped all around and gently self-tucked in i hope this doesn't offend. its a way of self comforting that can be really helpful Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eagleheart Posted June 30, 2014 Author Report Share Posted June 30, 2014 Such lovely people..............I am so pleased to know you all. I have to confess that i have a special cuddle toy,who i snuggle up with and i also suck my thumb when i am really distressed.Nothing comforts me as much as cuddling up & sucking my thumb.I reckon some of you will be appalled that i suck my thumb still.I feel ashamed of it even as i tell you about it,but it helps soothe me. I can feel the beginnings of anxiety coming on.Oh god,i just want to not have to battle with it all evening. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eagleheart Posted June 30, 2014 Author Report Share Posted June 30, 2014 Such lovely people..............I am so pleased to know you all. I have to confess that i have a special cuddle toy,who i snuggle up with and i also suck my thumb when i am really distressed.Nothing comforts me as much as cuddling up & sucking my thumb.I reckon some of you will be appalled that i suck my thumb still.I feel ashamed of it even as i tell you about it,but it helps soothe me. I can feel the beginnings of anxiety coming on.Oh god,i just want to not have to battle with it all evening. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buzzybee Posted June 30, 2014 Report Share Posted June 30, 2014 I think its wonderful that you have things that comfort you and I don't think its appalling that you suck your thumb, it makes perfect sense to me, your inner child needs that comfort and soothing….please don't ever feel ashamed of this. Dear Eagleheart, I'm totally with you this evening, I completely empathise with the anxiety waves, I've been struggling with it all day, just want you to know that although I'm not with you, I am metaphorically speaking, by your side, you can suck your thumb while I stuff my face with crisps, cry and am wrapped up in my duvet….sending you big hugs xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eagleheart Posted June 30, 2014 Author Report Share Posted June 30, 2014 Oh (((buzzybee))) i did smile when i read what you said! I had a warm feeling & felt your presence. To know that you are feeling the same sensations brings me comfort. Not that i'm happy you are suffering-not at all. Rather that we are sharing these dreadful feelings. I hope your evening is bearable. Love & thanks.xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lonelyheartemma Posted June 30, 2014 Report Share Posted June 30, 2014 don't know what to say but there's nothing wrong with sucking your thumb. It helps you so do it. In fact I would help you suck it if that didn't sound completely gross. (I hope you know what I mean, when I said gross I meant I sound like some sort of pervert, I don't mean thumb sucking in general is gross) Your cmht sounds bad. I don't blame you for not wanting to contact them. If you did try it you would probably talk to someone different and they might help. It might be worth thinking about as a possible option? idk. But you're right to talk to us. Psychologists can give trained support but they can't give friendship. That's important too. I'm sorry your hubby isn't supportive. He's probably just having a bad emotional moment himself, not saying he feels like you do, nothing like as bad but it happens. I hope he sees how bad it is for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eagleheart Posted July 4, 2014 Author Report Share Posted July 4, 2014 ****WARNING****MAY TRIGGER**** Knocked backwards by vivid recollection.I am going to write about it but it ***MAY TRIGGER**** I am wearing a lovely little cream coloured dress that has like a white lace top layer over a solid cream under dress. He sits me on his knee,my parents are there.I am scared. I feel his erect member(cannot bear to give it it's other name) pushing against my body.I cannot cry out because he has made me too scared to say anything. He is getting a kick from it,doing such a thing right infront of my parents. What the fuck do i do with this? It is already haunting me.It flashes into my mind repeatedly. I feel sick. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.