Has Anyone Severed Ties With Their Parents?

[buzzybee]

I am asking this question, as i have made the difficult decision to sever ties with my parents. I am currently going through EMDR therapy (had a number of years in therapy prior to this) and now feel that due to my parents lack of emotion, inability to acknowledge that I was abused as a child (they didn't sexually abuse me), but after the fist incident of sexual abuse was reported aged 5 years old to the police, with the support from my mum (I was abused by a stranger while playing outside on my own, we lived in a multi story block of flats), she still allowed me to play outside unsupervised by an adult, so abuse took place on two more occasions, I never told her about the two other occasions until I was 21 years old.

I actually feel very angry that my parents could do this to me, let alone refuse to discuss what happened to me at such a young age. In addition to this, my upbringing was one of emotional abuse from my dad and my mum enabled him, by simply never sticking up for me, which left me feeling that something must be terribly wrong with me and my confidence and sense of self was in tatters.

Fast forward 43 years years from the age of 5, Im in a much better place emotionally, I actually like myself as a person and have worked very hard in therapy to address my past and why i always seemed to deviate towards people who emotionally abused me, I now know why. I no longer attract abusive people into my life and am settled in a loving, supportive relationship, but I am now faced with needing, for my own emotional health, to walk away from my parents, who are emotionally cold, do not talk about feelings, undermine me, trivialise my accomplishments (what father would refuse to go to his own daughters graduation ceremony?) and do not support me when I try to set parental boundaries with my son.

I just wondered if any of you have severed ties and how you coped with this?

Thank you

[DaisyChain]

I havent severed ties with my family but wanted to wish you every ounce of luck in your attempts to do so and send you my best wishes - it is a brave step.

With love xxx

[Peregrine]

My parents failed to intervene when I was abused by a stranger on my way to school countless times. Upon telling my mother she told me to sort it out. I was 10. The police did eventually get involved after which that episode stopped. Won't write more as I want to keep myself distant from this whole thing as I don't know how to deal with it. But it's similar to what you experienced.

I am still in touch with both my parents but I've put distance between us by moving to another country. I had just finished school and felt a strong sense of wanting my own life away from emotionally volatile surroundings. More instinct than anything else. I'm just starting to see some sense to it.

I often wondered whether a clean break could be a solution and I think it's something that is so individually rooted, I can only share my thoughts, I have no advice.

The current situation with my parents is what I know. Shit that happened in the past can't be altered, past behaviours of people involved can't be undone. I feel I can't break contact as my birth family is part of who I am and where I come from. I'm nearly two decades your junior and despite feeling way older, I still have an instinctual need of wanting to belong. This whole thing is hard to get my head around but the way my current situation is I feel I can handle. Severing contact feels to me like being stranded on this island without water. Staying in touch is so hard sometimes but I try and see it as an opportunity for myself to grow in kindness and forgiveness. At this moment in time, I can't see us ever talking about these incidents and many other things (physical and emotional abuse from my father) but I still hope for goodness, in whichever way it comes. It scares me to think what it would do to ME if I was to tell them I don't want anything to do with them anymore. In writing this, I realise how truly fucked up a lot of it is and I'm sorry if none of this makes any sense. I'm usually quite certain of what I write.

So, the questions I would ask myself is: do I need their contact? Do they want my contact? If they don't, your relationship with them may just fizzle out anyway, if they don't give any input. How would I feel if I found out they needed my help but contact has been severed? E.g. If there was no one else to help, and I knew of their situation, could I turn a blind eye? Could there be a relationship if I have well and truly put the past behind and found my way to silent forgiveness?

Sorry if this is all jumbled.

[Jelly-bean]

I have managed to sever ties with my father, he abused me in every way, mentally,physically, and sexually... it's been four years nearly five since I last had any contact with him, I have seen him at my eldest engagement party, where he did try to say hi to me but I just walked right past him didn't even acknowledge him..

I do think about him now and then but I certainly don't miss him in anyway, I should have cut all ties with him sooner, as in not even had him in my kids life's but while bringing up my children I thought even though he hurt me my children needed him in there life's, I now know this is not so, they don't need him, he needs them,

Only my eldest has anything to do with him.. that's up to my son though, I'm happy having no contact with him....

For the last five years I have had contact with my mother, it's been hard, and we have talked about my childhood of which she admits abusing me also not protecting me, from my father's abuse ... he to this day says what ever I got I deserved as I was a naughty child .... at least my mother knows it were wrong, and that is the reason I still have her in my life ... it is hard to cut ties with parents, but not impossible,

I do believe it's instilled in us to be there for our so called family but it's not you don't have to be, I'm close to my children I'm staying at my eldest sons house right now enjoying my grandchildren,

I feel you need to ask yourself questions the pro's and con's if they are still unavailable emotionally to you, is it causing you more harm than good keeping contact with them ?

Always here to support you buzzy x

[buzzybee]

I can't thank you all enough for taking the time to respond. I understand that this is a really emotive subject and could possibly trigger people, particularly if they also have issues with their parents.

(((((((DaisyChain))))))))) thank you for your kindness and responding, it has really meant a lot to me xxx

(((((((Fabhcun Gorm)))))))))), Im deeply sorry and saddened to hear that our experiences are so similar, my heart goes out to you. I hear what you are saying and like you, the person that i struggle not staying in contact with is my mum (I have absolutely no problem walking away from my father, he never wanted me and has been pretty horrible to me all of my life)..this is very difficult as my parents are still together. Everything you have written has made complete sense to me, it isn't at all jumbled, you are very articulate, insightful, empathic and really brave.

((((((((Jelly-Bean)))))))))), Thank you so much for sharing your experiences and being so open with me, my heart also goes out to you and it does hurt to know that your father has abused you and treated you so badly. It was a very brave and courageous decision to make by removing all contact with him, and I hand on heart believe that you have done the right thing. Makes me feel sad to know that so many of us have been hurt by our parents and are picking up the pieces, healing, in pain and doing everything within our power to move forward with our lives.

For me, the contact with my father has always caused me great difficulty and still does. Even my partner struggles with him (and he is the kindest, most understanding and none judgemental person I know). He is a very selfish, cold, opinionated, emotionless, cutting, dismissive and manipulative man, but sadly after 49 years of marriage, my mum has become more and more like him and now I don't even know her. Sadly, she was diagnosed with a degenerative muscle disease last year, which she will eventually die from, which I feel is contributing to her coldness, change in much of her personality and replicating characteristics of my father. My son has daily contact with them both, as they live close, but because my son is male (my dad doesn't much like women and was devastated that he had a girl), my parents spoil him, always giving him money, which has caused a great deal of problems, as what ever I ask them to do, they do the exact oposite and even his school have stated that their constant spoiling of him, going against my parental boundaries has made a rod for my back (he has now left school) and resulted in my son having little value for money, little respect for school/ parental boundaries.

I feel that the only thing I can do is keep my distance from both of my parents, but have brief contact with my mum via text message, as i know when the time comes and she is no longer with us, i will feel very upset. Sadly having face to face contact with my mum means that i have to face my dad and I can't do that anymore, as I always leave their house feeling angry, frustrated and I can't tolerate more than 20 minutes in my fathers company…he talks very fast and loud, flipping from one subject to another, not listening to others, and the experience is stressful.

Your responses have really made me think more clearly about what I need to do for myself and put things into perspective for me, i really value what you have given to me and your support and insight has been invaluable.

much love and thanks to you all xx

[lonelyheartemma]

I don't think I could sever ties with mine. There is nowhere I could go. No one who believes me except the lovely people on here who are too far away.

I have tried to sever emotional ties, still living with them but being aware of what she's like and what's going to happen and what kind of thing I mustn't tell her about (though I always do). I know that whatever happens sooner or later I will be hurt again. I know it's bad for me to let myself keep hoping that one day everything will be ok. But every time she says something nice then my resolve crumbles and I believe this time she understands and everything will be all right. Of course it isn't but I just can't give up hope.

So I've learned that severing emotional ties on their own isn't enough, it has to be a complete break where you don't see them every day or even every week. I think you are very brave to do this Buzzy but I think it would be a really positive thing to do after all the hurt they have caused you. They were so cruel. You are really lovely and they are so lucky to have you as a daughter but they don't deserve you, I think you will be better and stronger without them.

[Saharah Blue]

My parents did not support me when I was SA, and made out that I was more or less teasing for wearing only t-shirt to bed and walking around the house in the morning that way. However, these are the same people who could not be bothered to buy me pj's or a dressing gown and so I thought I was making due by wearing to bed the same as many of my teen friends at school wore to bed. My parents were not ones to cover up either, they felt plenty relaxed in their nightwear come morning time, then blamed me for show it off. While my abuser only was ever made more to feel than a slap on the wrists for being naughty and actually admitted this to me less than 5 years ago.

I went through a period in T where I had nominal contact with my family. Later, I repaired burned bridges and now I can say I am fine and can hold my own with them. I do a lot of caring for my mother (a cancer patient) but when it tips to far I am not afraid to tell people I am done for now. Or have other plans for x-mas etc... I am fine with letting them fend for themselves and also fine with getting involved up to my personal limits. I tell them I hate food and I tell them have no desire to connect through feasting and if they would like to actually get off their asses and live and I am up for it. However, they will not hold me hostage to being a carer or think for 2 minutes that I am child care either. I maybe a bully but I refuse to let these people call the shots.

With that said, it is not my intention to bully others (although I do), but I will not be walk on. This is where I am at in my place of recovery. So, you may find yourself needing this now and that is right and you may later find yourself in a stronger place and the distance has become outdated. Just be flexible with your needs is what I have to say.

[Riverspell]

I haven't severed ties intentionally, no. But I feel that the actions taken in February have propelled me in that direction. Whether or not I want them to. My father has remained distant from me and though he talks and interacts with me on the few occasions I see him, there is an emotional coldness to the encounters that leaves me feeling further cut off. My step mother for the most part still gets along with me but there are occasions where I feel that she would rather maintain the new boundary walls instead of going back.

While it hurts, is incredibly confusing, and has frequently driven me to self inflicting actions; I've discovered that I am doing far better outside his home than I did within it. It's actually been nearly a full year since I was last hospitalized. An amazing feat considering I was admitted just about every 3-4 months. I was on the verge of another hospitalization when my dad evicted me and while this nearly catapulted me into a ward, my mother and step-father took care of me every step of the way. They've spoken to me about such things and have told me they will not force me into a hospital while they can still help me. However, should I become a danger to others or can no longer be restricted on self harming behaviors, they will take me in. This is something frankly amazing and at times confusing because my father would often force me to go if I appeared to be losing control or he simply could not or would not deal with me. Toward the end however, he would not even take me in. Believing as my step mother did that I was seeking attention.

My father has always been......restrictive and more than occasionally viewed as mentally and/or emotionally abusive. He has issues with temper and abuses pain medications. While I believe his pain is real, I can see that his use of the drugs is beyond necessary. The drugs make him moodier and often more temperamental. I am not the only one to see these things, to notice his behaviors and to feel hurt and conflicted over them. Frequently I and others and the household, especially the children, were reminded we were beneath him and never equals. We are his children (he informed me at 20 that my age was worth squat and I needed to learn to properly respect him) and as such must give him total obedience and respect. To speak out of turn or even appear to be talking back, questioning him or changing your tone outside submissive will earn you a tongue lashing to rival a dictator. This in part was why I was removed.

Don't get me wrong, don't misunderstand me, I love my dad with every inch of my being. Yet I am coming to realize that living in those conditions, being trod on and torn down and at times ridiculed, were merely rendering me stagnant in my condition. Any improvement I made was rapidly backtracked and though there was a part of me that could see what was happening, I remained in denial and resisted anyone's suggestions to leave. Leaving would mean having to rely on another family member, most likely my mother, and this would cause a rift between my father and I that would undoubtedly be unable to bridge. There too was the constant fear that I could not live without him and this childish longing to prove my worth to him. To earn his love and approval and I knew leaving would ruin that.

In the end he made the choice for me to leave, just as he did my brother.

He spoke cruelly and out of turn to my sister, going so far as to tell her it was her fault that he was angry and his day was shit. Simply because I did not clean the house properly, did not have it good enough for him to have visitors, and she was the first in his line of sight. She has always been hard to "break", hard to control and often rebels and argues back when a scolding becomes something more and she feels justly angry and just as much afraid. I may allow myself to be walked over and often used, but no one has the right to do so to my siblings and this feeling has only increased after the events with my brother. In defending her and myself I spoke out of turn when he confronted me and refused to leave my room, blocking my only exit and trapping me there. You could say I'd finally snapped and I answered him with truth as was always required but it was not a truth he wanted to hear and I said things I should not have. A further tipping point occurred when I called my grandparents, his parents, in utter terror because of how aggressive he was. How he'd now slammed his way into Ashlee's room and remained there for nearly a hour to yell at her.

I had crossed the line you never can with him and he saw it as the ultimate betrayal. Especially when I sought shelter with my mother, the woman "he associates with everything bad", and asked her to come with me for negotiations. He rejected and evicted me and with nowhere else to go, I moved in with my mom. Further sealing this irreversible split in our relationship. But I was not about to become homeless in desperation for him to take me back. I'd proved I had a spine and though it was at great cost, I grew to realize this was a second chance at recovering my life before my illness took over.

Why am I sharing all this with you? Seemingly drawing attention from you? This is not at all my intention. I have shared this with you to help you understand what I will now say. Your relationship with your parents now is distant, unemotional and difficult. Yet how would it be should you come to blows? Should you cross a line with them? What will occur then and how much will you lose compared to the gain?

Had these events not occurred and I had instead found the strength to leave on my own, even if it was to my mother's, this rift would not nearly be so large. There would be more of a chance at recovering some of our relationship and there would not be so much bitterness and betrayal on either side. I know that if that had occurred my father and I would be able to visit and talk more frequently. To not be tense, distant and wary in our encounters.

Instead we were forced apart through both our actions and we now find ourselves at insurmountable odds. I have spent the last six months in agonizing contemplation's, abruptly waking to realize just how shattered my world is, fighting to keep myself alive and hating my waking moments because of the constant fear of sudden panic and uncontrollable tears.

In the end I've gained a new perspective on life and am learning to cope with daily existence and to grow outside the shell of my illness. However I have lost more in comparison and I firmly believe that my first option should have been the only option.

What I'm trying to say buzzybee is that I admire this choice you are making, that I encourage it if you believe it is best, and that I firmly believe that even with this separation you will be all right and surely grow. It will be hard at first, that's a given, but do not dwell on the past or this action. Breathe and continue walking forward. Note the positive changes, acknowledge the negatives and move from those. This isn't something that's the end of the world. Yet I can tell you that if you feel this is right but choose against it you may regret it later should the relationship be severed by an argument blown out of proportion or a misunderstood act on someone's part.

Whatever choice you make, I'm here for you. Message me anytime if you should like to or feel the need to.

[buzzybee]

(((((lonelyheartemma))))))))))), warm hugs to such a lovely lady. I'm deeply saddened that you are subjected to pain, I just wish you had that constant with your family, but I can totally empathise with all that you have said, its not easy. But in the same breath I also admire your compassion, your gentle soul and kindness, even when you are struggling yourself, you still open your heart and show such understanding. Thank you for your beautiful words, for sharing and for responding when I reached out, that has meant so much to me xx

(((((((Saharah Blue))))))))), made me feel quite tearful hearing about your personal experiences as a young girl, you were never to blame for what happened to you and should have been heard, validated, understood, believed, supported, treasured……not to have to go through what you did, no child/ young person should ever have to go through what you did and then to be met with no support. I admire your courage, strength, determination, knowing yourself as you do and not taking any crap..your not a bully, you are a survivor, thriver and a beautiful example of healing and believing in yourself xx

((((((((Riverspell)))))), Thank you for sharing your personal experiences, i feel really honoured that you have taken the time to share your story with me and I really respect you for doing this. Ive very much valued hearing how you feel, about your thoughts and showing me, from your perspective how things have been and are for you. I have taken on board what you have so kindly said and after my EMDR therapy session today, my therapist has asked me to write a letter to my mum, expressing my anger about the way i have been treated since being a small child, and really vent and let out exactly how I feel (but not to post the letter, not to let her read the letter). I will do this over the week until I see my therapist again next week.

One thing that I have now come to terms with is that I am living with PTSD, but thankfully with support and through EMDR I will come through this and will start to feel better in time. But I am processing my feelings, thoughts and experiences and with each session learning to make sense of my word, symptoms and I am the way I am and feel the way I feel.

Thank you to all of you for your kindness xxxx