Hello There

[MurraysMic]

Hi.

I've been diagnosed with BPD.

I think I've had the disorder for years but only recently have I become aware of this. I realised something was wrong when I became very clingy to my best friend.

Her and I met at work her dad had passed and i somehow she took upon herself to come up to me and talk to me saying I was her "cup of tea" Little did I know that 3 years later she'd be my best friend.

So she was finding it difficult to cope with the grieving of her dad and I looked out for her made sure she was ok. In the meantime I opened up to her how I hated myself didn't trust anyone or anything. I just thought it was the offshoot of having a very domineering mum. Unfortunately she had to leave when work did not support her during her whilst grieving and she was coming into work in tears. I made sure she went to the doctors.

At the time I was 19 stone. When she left we kept in touch and we kept meeting up. She did a full marathon for her dad, and I was inspired I said half jokingly, do you thin I would do a 10k? She said yes and I will help you, and she did she ran with me turned up for my first event and since then I have lost 4 stone and did my first half marathon this year.

However this is where I thought things where getting strange. She moved this time last year from absolutely nowhere I thought I'll never see her again that's the end of the friendship and get massive anxiety attacks this then knocked my moods from really high when we chatted to really down moods and I would think the worse of her she's not really my friend she's just pretending (Although I would not tell her that directly these are the thoughts that would play out in my head. I would have massive low moods as well where I have no middle ground it's either incredibly happy or very very sad there is no middle ground I would fear no one wants me, no one would miss me if I killed myself. (Please note I would never but the thoughts where there).

These abandonment fears continued to grow where I came across as so needy and pathetic asking if she was ok all the time when will we meet up again that kind of thing that she said continue doing this and I will run for the hills. I of course apolgised and everything was fine. Then I would have the behavior that when we did meet up i would tell her how much of a brilliant awe inspiring person she was really laying it on thick. I think it was my way of saying thanks for the catch up don't forget me if that makes sense. She wouldn't reply for a day or even a few hours then the whole sequence would start again. At this time I thought it was a bit of a crush thing but I never had any romantic feelings just real friendship platonic feelings. She's got a boyfriend and there is nothing more than would make me happy is for her and him to get engaged get married and settle down. But I was realising this behavior isn't normal.

However it's only been the last month where I realised something had to be done. she is a bridesmaid for three weddings and two of them are abroad. As you can imagine its a busy time, yet along came the oh she's forgotten me I'm no longer her friend, that's it its over and along came the cycle again. It was at this point that something needs to be done. So I have been the doctors and I have been diagnosed with the disorder.

At the moment since I've found out I've become hyper sensitive to my feelings if that makes sense. I told my friends over the weekend and they where supportive I'd thought they would think I'm a stalkerish murderer on the quiet. And my best friend? She said Allwill be fine keep thinking positive..I read that and cried and smiled.

Now I need to deal with it.

Sorry for the long post but I hope it rings true for other sufferers?

[Threemoons]

Hi Murrays, what you wrote totally makes sense and is very familiar to me. I too tend to write love messages to my friends then apologize for getting in the way. What I find useful is to sit aside and take the time to back off a little while, so I can monitor my emotions in a calmer way. Could you do that for yourself? Big hugs.

[MurraysMic]

Thanks three moons.

Well I'm all new to this so I'm currently reading and looking into dealing with this and in a strange way relieved I have a face to the issue if that makes sense?

The thing I have to most get sorted is the fact that the emotions are raw/instant and there is no middle ground. At the time of the anxiety there is black and white, at that moment I'm abandoned/forgotten about and thats the facts in front of me. There is no reasoning there is no woah calm down, stop over analysing.

I just want to feel normal and hopefully now I can now start the path towards this. I know it's going to be hard but I'm determined to get even a little better.

[Threemoons]

Good to know that you're determined! In my experience, getting better is a hard work but it's so worth it! Continue reading if it helps and take good care of yourself. Hugging you.

[Lapwing]

Hi there, just wanted to say welcome, and yes, I can recognise a lot of my experiences in what you write (I am diagnosed with BPD as well as Bipolar 1). Hope this forum becomes a place of support for you