Well, Here I Am

[Ben_W_Power]

Right, hello, my name's Ben.

I'm utterly new here and incredibly unused to internet forums etc. We could say it's been a wee bit tough over the years to garner therapeutic support and all that - I get gaslighted a lot - so I thought I'd try this out. Beyond that, I'm sure I'm probably far too antisocial nowadays and need to do something constructive about this situation.

29 years old. Unhappily married to an old friend who I'm fairly convinced I'm still in love with but who ignores me almost utterly these days, and has the inconvenience of currently being over 7600 miles away. Based in Chelmsford; oh the hell of it. Particularly dry sense of humour on better days, cold, mirthless void on the rest of them. Failed comedian. Crappy industrial musician. Moribund poet. Amateur painter. Weird writer. Was meant to be a Formal Linguist then it all went pear-shaped. Around 6 separate social masks and a 24/7 intangible cognitive headache. Trouble round the back. Oh, and long-term night terrors, but they're beyond the pale. Somewhat unorthodox private life. Probably very dull.

Diagnoses:

BPD/EUPD - that one should be familiar to people. Crippling loneliness, dysphoric alienation, smatterings of gross paranoia, an increasingly Nihilistic mind in a Russian sense, and the recurrent feeling that I've just made a terrible mistake, then another and another, ad infinitum. The joy of it. It's also been slightly nippy.

Moderate/Severe Autophagia - not quite as common it could be said. Remarkable inconvenience. Lots of surgery. Incidentally, my fingers are fine. I can't necessarily extend that statement. Not the easiest one to research. Most info outdated, erroneous or horrendously insensitive.

Klinefelter's Syndrome - genetic variation. Hormonal stupidities and a very suspect intersex gender identity that I don't tend to elaborate on much to anyone, if at all. I don't think people would notice though.

Synaesthesia (x 3) - neurological curiosity. Not a psychiatric disorder. It doesn't tend to bother me on its own, and can be quite fun. Unless I dissociate or get too stressed, in which case we discover ourselves in Lovecraft's chromatic Inferno.

***

Well, that would be me. I think I'll attempt to be useful here. That'll be interesting. I'm probably end up habitually moaning in a neurotic grumpy heap. We'll try not to fall to that though.

Many thanks to anyone who had the patience to read through this unusual, staggered mess.

Ben WP

[JoBrown]

Hi Ben welcome to the Forum,

[Ben_W_Power]

Thank you JoBrown. Very kind of you. I like your bear by the way. Marvellous creature. I'll try and get a photo up at some point, although invariably it'll be something hellish and a tad lacking on the cuddles front. Anyways, I'll see you later. Cheers.

[artemis84]

Hi Ben,

to the forums! I hope you can find some warmth and support here, I have found it a very useful place to come. Hope you like it!

[Threemoons]

Hi Ben and welcome to the forums. I hope you like your stay here and find many friendly people to support you through your journey. Kuddos.

[Ben_W_Power]

Thank you to both of you (artemis84 and Threemoons) - sorry I didn't personalise this; I'm still not quite sure what all the buttons do and the text messed up when I tried it earlier. I hope this is the right box this time. Nice to encounter a friendly atmosphere. I'm usually quite knackered, but I hope I can return the favour. Best regards in both cases, BWP

[buzzybee]

Hello Ben, sending you a warm welcome and I hope you find the forum a place where you can share your positive, difficult and negative experiences and a place where you feel compassion, a mutual understanding and a shoulder when you feel alone and isolated.

Thank you for sharing some of your story and for having the courage to do so..its nice meeting you :-)