onewonders Posted August 21, 2014 Report Share Posted August 21, 2014 I've known I had something wrong with me for a few years now. Finally, I realize that I have BPD. The mental health care in my area is despicable, so I do not have an official diagnoses yet although everything I've been reading on BPD is screaming out to me. This is me, I've finally figured out why I am this way. I've been with my boyfriend for 2.5 years. I have a son from a marriage, a marriage I walked away from when I shouldn't have. Our relationship has followed the typical BPD relationship to a T. Over idealization, clingyness, demanding, inappropriate feelings of abandonment, and failure to recognize his love for me. We have broken up so many times, but we always get back together. In May I lashed out and physically attacked him, scarring his face. He didn't press charges and after a month of living at his parents house, he came back to me. Things seemed okay for a few weeks, then I started my controlling bitch attitude again. He tolerated it until last week. He went on an innocent family vacation to see his nephew. I was mean and hateful the entire time, responding with "No you don't." to texts that simply told me he loved me. Any positive thing he said to me, or anything he said to me for that matter, I responded with hate and anger and negativity. An hour after he returned from this vacation, I continued my attitude and he had enough. We were on the way to pick my son up from school. The fight in the car on the way to school turned into him saying when we got back home he was leaving me for good. When I went into the school, my son was in mid tantrum and I ended up having to carry him out. He wouldn't get in the car, I threw his backpack and accidently hit my boyfriend with the strap. He started screaming and swearing at me, saying things no one should hear, but especially that a 5 year old shouldn't hear about his mother. When we got home, he went in and got his stuff and tried to leave. I blocked his way, ended up in the car with him driving while I was trying not to fall off of the side. My son was watching all of this from upstairs. My boyfriend said that if I got out of the car he would come back later that night. I got out, he said "I'm not coming back" and left me. That was 3 days ago and I haven't heard back from him. I've called and texted, called his parents house (where he is staying) and no one will let me talk to him and he will not reply to me. Obviously, I know I am insane and have ruined this relationship. I have no car, very little money. I can't pick up my son from school (45 min away) I can't get groceries, I can't eat, can't sleep, can't go 10 minutes without crying. I've called every emergency mental help place in the city and they all refer me to either another place where I can't get an appointment for at least a week, or to the ER or a mental hospital to admit myself. I want to die, but I can't because my son would be devastated. Even my best friend just keeps telling me to talk to my parents and that she can't help me. I literally have not a single person to talk to about this. I can't even kill myself because I can't abandon my son. I have nowhere to turn. i haven't eaten a full meal since Sunday. I don't know what to do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Distracted Posted August 21, 2014 Report Share Posted August 21, 2014 Hiya, I hope you are feeling a little better now. I think your boyfriend probably just needs a little space just now and you need time to concentrate on yourself. Could you possibly write to him? Explain the way you are feeling and why you feel you acted the way you did that way he will be able to take time to read through what's going on and process it in his own time. Can you talk to your parents? Would they be willing to help in any way? I'm not sure where you are but can you see a doctor of some sort and ask them to refer you to a specialist mh team? Or is there a crisis team in your area? Try and be kind to yourself, have a hot bath, nice warm cup of tea, relax a little bit. I know it's hard but you need to take care of yourself xx sending you hugs xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
onewonders Posted August 22, 2014 Author Report Share Posted August 22, 2014 There's a crisis center I went to yesterday, they referred me to this care center where they see you and refer you out. They said if I called this morning they'd get me a same day appointment. So I call and they have nothing til tues. I am feeling slightly calmer now since I took an allergy pill. Trying to relax. It's so hard. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
onewonders Posted August 22, 2014 Author Report Share Posted August 22, 2014 And I could email him or leave him a letter here (in case he comes to get his stuff while I'm at work) but I've already sent like 20+ texts and called probably that many times and he's just not responding to ANYTHING. I called his parents house and I know for a fact he was there, and his dad lied and said he wasn't. He doesn't care what I have to say right now if ever Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Threemoons Posted August 22, 2014 Report Share Posted August 22, 2014 Hi Pony. It's obviously good that you have your son. Dying should never be an option for anyone. It's your life, it's your body but it really isn't worth it. Try to back off a bit and relax, I know you think it's bloody impossible now but please do try. You need to take care of yourself first. It's not being egoist, it's just dealing with your needs like everyone do. I think your boyfriend needs time to process what happened. He will come back eventually so don't panic yet. You've already faced so many hurdles. I'm sorry his dad lied to you. He should have told the truth as you still deserve respect. I'm willing to give you that respect. Trying to reach out to you if you allow it. Calling 20 more times is a lot, maybe give your boyfriend some space to breath now. I know your position is difficult. Life is hard sometimes. I wish you luck though, and send you many hugs and love. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
onewonders Posted August 23, 2014 Author Report Share Posted August 23, 2014 I know, I have to stop calling and texting but its like I just need him to hear what I'm saying and he just blocks it all out. Complete silence from him. The fear of abandonment really takes a turn when you really drive someone to abandon you. I wish he could understand that the silent treatment is making me dig myself deeper. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saharah Blue Posted August 23, 2014 Report Share Posted August 23, 2014 I hear you on that one as I have done the same before and lived in a horrible and painful cycle of push/pull behavior for many many years on end. But, you are also abandoning yourself by not soothing that frighten child part of yourself that needs you to comfort and reassure it. You are wanting your husband to show up and fix the trigger when you are not even showing up for yourself right now. It is not ultimately his responsibility to do this, it is yours. The pill to help calm you down is a good idea. What else helps you feel soothed? When I am in crisis like you are I just have to turn the phones off and crawl under the duvet and bawl my eyes out before anything else can happen. Then I manage some tea or coffee and hot bath and try and take it from there. *hugs* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silent girl Posted September 6, 2014 Report Share Posted September 6, 2014 Hi Pony, I feel your pain, I too am BPD and have been dumped again, and I try so hard, my local health service are hopeless and I know I will have to drive miles to find a DBT therapist. I now recognise the same patterns and am in the text, call him cycle… trying to self soothe and not let myself get super depressed and suicidal or totally enraged is so difficult. Sadly non BPDs don't understand how the silent treatment is such a trigger, I have spent days under the duvet, my safe space, and am totally isolated too, as over the last couple of years I alienated all my so called friends on bad days. Please find a friend to help, try and get out to see someone for a coffee, anything which stops that inner clatter. I know how you feel. hugs xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silent girl Posted September 6, 2014 Report Share Posted September 6, 2014 Sadly you may really have to PUSH your doctor or hospital to get you a BPD understanding therapist and soon. I Think under new guidelines which came in this year we can now even be referred to mental health services in other areas if our own do not have adequate resources, but i am guessing waiting times are bonkers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jezzie_jay Posted September 6, 2014 Report Share Posted September 6, 2014 You have to keep going for your son. You know this, so hold on to it. Like yourself, I've never had a diagnosis for BPD but I'm certain i have it. A few months ago i found, would you believe 'Borderline Personality Disorder for Dummies' at the library. I got it out and while i was visiting family, my boyfriend read the whole book. We've talked about it and he understands me a lot better than he did before. I'm still the same moody bitch, but he can cope with it more easily. What I'm trying to say is, does your boyfriend have any idea about your BPD? Of not, talk to him about it. Itll explain a lot to him and once he knows its something you cant help, maybe he'll be more understanding and want to give things another go. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
addy2 Posted September 6, 2014 Report Share Posted September 6, 2014 I feel for you I really do but if your partner attacked you and scarred your face you would have him done for assault I'm sorry but violence is in excusable Bpd or not and sometimes people hide behind it, sort yourself out and get some treatment if you can then try calling him to apologise I'm sorry I really am if this sounds harsh but it's just really gets me that I am classed as Bpd when I would never ever lift my hand to anyone Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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