Repeat Post From Other Board--I'm New And Need Words

[onewonders]

I should have posted here first. My apologies!

I've known I had something wrong with me for a few years now. Finally, I realize that I have BPD. The mental health care in my area is despicable, so I do not have an official diagnoses yet although everything I've been reading on BPD is screaming out to me. This is me, I've finally figured out why I am this way.

I've been with my boyfriend for 2.5 years. I have a son from a marriage, a marriage I walked away from when I shouldn't have.

Our relationship has followed the typical BPD relationship to a T. Over idealization, clingyness, demanding, inappropriate feelings of abandonment, and failure to recognize his love for me. We have broken up so many times, but we always get back together. In May I lashed out and physically attacked him, scarring his face. He didn't press charges and after a month of living at his parents house, he came back to me. Things seemed okay for a few weeks, then I started my controlling bitch attitude again. He tolerated it until last week. He went on an innocent family vacation to see his nephew. I was mean and hateful the entire time, responding with "No you don't." to texts that simply told me he loved me. Any positive thing he said to me, or anything he said to me for that matter, I responded with hate and anger and negativity.

An hour after he returned from this vacation, I continued my attitude and he had enough. We were on the way to pick my son up from school. The fight in the car on the way to school turned into him saying when we got back home he was leaving me for good. When I went into the school, my son was in mid tantrum and I ended up having to carry him out. He wouldn't get in the car, I threw his backpack and accidently hit my boyfriend with the strap. He started screaming and swearing at me, saying things no one should hear, but especially that a 5 year old shouldn't hear about his mother. When we got home, he went in and got his stuff and tried to leave. I blocked his way, ended up in the car with him driving while I was trying not to fall off of the side. My son was watching all of this from upstairs. My boyfriend said that if I got out of the car he would come back later that night. I got out, he said "I'm not coming back" and left me. That was 3 days ago and I haven't heard back from him. I've called and texted, called his parents house (where he is staying) and no one will let me talk to him and he will not reply to me.

Obviously, I know I am insane and have ruined this relationship. I have no car, very little money. I can't pick up my son from school (45 min away) I can't get groceries, I can't eat, can't sleep, can't go 10 minutes without crying. I've called every emergency mental help place in the city and they all refer me to either another place where I can't get an appointment for at least a week, or to the ER or a mental hospital to admit myself. I want to die, but I can't because my son would be devastated. Even my best friend just keeps telling me to talk to my parents and that she can't help me.

I literally have not a single person to talk to about this. I can't even kill myself because I can't abandon my son. I have nowhere to turn. i haven't eaten a full meal since Sunday. I don't know what to do.

[Ben_W_Power]

Dear ponygurl81,

I thought I'd say hello and welcome. Sorry I didn't see your other message. I'm extremely new here myself. I'm sorry to hear that things have been atrociously difficult for you; I hope that doesn't sound glib. I think it'll be useful for you to be here as there seem to be many caring people. I'll be about also if you need to offload. My symptoms manifest slightly differently, but I am diagnosed with BPD. I wouldn't call you insane, just in turmoil. It wouldn't be your fault. I'm sure there's quite a lot more to the story. You seem extremely guilty, to a level that might be impacting on your thoughts but that too is a common borderline experience. At least you're recognising the importance of being their for your son. Everyone messes up in life at some point, mental health or no. It's the learning from it. Perhaps it would be good to give your boyfriend a little bit of space to cool down, and spend a few weeks focussing on reclaiming a small amount of stability, as repeated phone-calls may just raise tension all round with all the anxiety and adrenalin. It's a shame the services aren't much use in your area. If you can find a way to eat; just a few bites or some soup, that might be positive, as blood sugar levels could have a negative impact on your mood. If you just can't though, don't worry. I'm not a qualified therapist or clinician; I'm just a patient (well, occasionally!), but as I say, I'm more than willing to listen. It's important not to seal yourself off. You did the right thing coming here. Thank you for your honesty also, I know it isn't easy to open up about such personal things. I hope you can find some way to relax, or at least distract, if only for a few hours. Take care and stay safe, Ben

[jenny1471]

Hi

I just wanted to reply and welcome you to the forum.. I'm so sorry things are so difficult for you. Are you able to talk to your doctor or a close friend/family member. I am sorry I don't have any words of wisdom etc but I just wanted to reply to let you know that I hear you.. you're not alone

Jenny x

[buzzybee]

Hello,

Welcome to the forum. Im so sorry to read that you are going through such a difficult time. I don't know what your relationship is like with your GP, if they are good, do you feel you could talk to them and explain what is going on for you, how things have been for you over time and that you need support/ referral to appropriate services?. Also, you state that your friend advised that you contact your parents..do you have a good relationship with them? would they be supportive of you?

[schmattka]

Hi,

I am very new here (joined 30 min ago), so new I have not introduced myself yet.
I just wanted to say what you describe sounds a lot like a collection of stories from my love life in the past, almost scarily so. I have not been married, I don't have a son, but otherwise I just broke up with a boyfriend of 3 years. Mostly because the ways I acted, yet again, against my better judgement. I understand the guilt, the sense of helplessness and this apparent complete, soul-crushing isolation.

My man was not perfect, but at least at the end he was kind enough to try and help me see this as an opportunity for growth. He had struggled with his own mental health his entire life, and he said the first time he managed a significant , change for the better was when he felt so bad, he didn't see a way out. There simply wasn't any other way left other than seriously putting systematic efforts to work through his emotional clutter of old issues to set up healthy patterns of thinking and behaviour. Maybe that thing about rock bottom is not just b******t after all.