Old And Fat And Ugly

[lonelyheartemma]

My mum makes me feel old and fat and ugly. Or maybe not old, I still feel like a stupid little kid but she makes me feel like I look old or at least older than I should do.

I am going to be 23 next month but she thinks I look more like 33. I don't mean there's anything wrong with looking 33 but it's not really something I want to be doing for another 10 years!

It just makes me want to punch myself in the face to punish myself for being such an ugly bitch but I know that will make me even uglier!

Also when I want to buy a dress she's always telling me to get a Size 10. There's nothing wrong with Size 10, my mum is Size 12 and looks amazing and there are lots of bigger women who look gorgeous. But I'm a Size 6! I often do buy Size 8 because of size variation but they are a bit big for me, not big enough to be a problem but there's lots of growing room. Being told I'm bigger than I am makes me feel me like I look fat.

My family makes me feel short as well, I'm taller than average but my parents and my sister are a LOT taller than average! My sister is taller than me when I wear 6 inch heels. She's always saying things about my lack of height. Maybe it makes her feel better about being so tall if she's got someone she can sneer at but I wish she'd sneer at me behind my back instead.

They make me feel stupid as well. I don't think I'm quite as stupid as I thought I was but my family are just so clever! My mum is always saying how "sweet" it is when I don't know something. I admit it's better than my sister's approach which is "Don't you know THAT???????" but it's a bit humiliating.

[PDBPD]

Emma...you are not old, fat or ugly....your family sound jealous...don't most girls want to be petite??

Steve

[lonelyheartemma]

I don't know Steve. I think I'm too tall to be petite but I wouldn't want to be any smaller. But maybe that's because I live in an environment where not being very tall is weird and bad.

I know I'm not old or fat really. But if someone is making me feel that way then something is wrong. It might be my fault idk but something is wrong.

I am ugly though and I think I look much older than 23.

[Data]

I have seen your photos on Facebook, Emma. You are not, in my opinion, ugly or fat or old.

Also you have talents that I admire - you are a writer.

Learn to take what your mother says with a pinch of salt!

[jezzie_jay]

One of my friends spent years having her mum tell her she was fat. Then when she lost a lot of weight, her mum now tells her she's anorexic. She was never really overweight, and isn't really really skinny now. But the fact is, it says a lot more about her mum than it does about her. Unfortunately, it sounds like your mum and sister are jealous and as such are taking out their own insecurities on you. Have you tried talking to them about how they make you feel? And if this is detrimental to your wellbeing, you might want to consider spending less time with them, harsh as it sounds.

[Distracted]

Hi Emma! Ignore your mum (easier said than done I know). I don't have any advice but sending you hugs xx

[lonelyheartemma]

Thank you Data Jezzie and Distracted

Thank you Data for writing something so nice about me, it was nice to read that! And thank you for reminding me that I write. I hope that doesn't sound sarcastic and I know this sounds mad but I was so upset I'd forgotten that writing helps me when I'm depressed. So I'm going to go and write something.

Jezzie thank you for replying. I live with my parents, I'm on the list for a council flat but I've been on it for ages and I'm still always about 90th in the queue. So it's difficult to avoid my mum unfortunately.

She was in my room just now and told me I couldn't expect to understand what a normal person is thinking because I'm not one! I think she was stating a fact rather than trying to insult me and I'm not saying I disagree or anything but I was so shocked I just told her that I thought maybe that wasn't a really supernice thing to say. (My first instinct was to say "you fucking bitch!" but I rephrased it.)

But I do avoid my sister as she only visits once or twice a year, she's never phoned me and rarely emails. For a couple of years I tried to be friendly with her and keep her updated but she either ignored me or dismissed me so I've given up with that now. Mostly she isn't a problem but when she does come we all have to spend the whole day sitting in the living room listening to her talk about how wonderful she is and how awful people on benefits are, not fun! My mum is always telling me I'm insensitive but I think maybe it runs in the family.

Jezzie that is so sad about your friend. Mums can be so hurtful because their words are so powerful. Sometimes they abuse the power (and their children), sometimes they can't see they are doing anything wrong but either way it really hurts. It's not nice hearing that from anyone but from a mum I'm glad she has you for a friend, you really seem to understand and I'm sure that means a lot to her.

Thank you for the hugs Distracted! They are always welcome.

[walker]

emma

put simply

your mother is abusive towards you

and if the council were more aware of the abusive situation you are in, you would perhaps move up on the housing list

however

this has to be backed up with the support of mh/domestic abuse services/gp or similar

you could always speak to women's aid - yes yes I know it says domestic violence - but they talk to people about ALL sorts of domestic abusive situations

I know of someone who has had to leave her parental home due to the constant verbal and emotional nastiness of her mother

and women's aid can support her with that

I understand you probably wont want to do that

but it is a FACT that she is being abusive towards you

it is NOT a fact that you are fat/ugly/old/or abnormal

[lonelyheartemma]

Thank you Walker and I'm sorry I didn't reply until now.

Abuse must be so hard to prove for anyone. Maybe I will try women's aid. I'm not going to get any support from the GP. I've tried. My social worker didn't believe me (I think she really didn't considering she said "no one would say that to their daughter"), the mental health advocate broke confidentiality (luckily with my social worker and not with my mum but I don't trust them now), the CAB told me to "go home and sort it out", Shelter were nice but they've got a rule so you can only email them once and now I can't contact them again. I haven't tried women's aid, I kind of assumed that was for abuse by men. I don't think they will believe me either but I suppose there's no harm in trying.

The trouble with all of this is that it needs to be secret. I don't want my mum to know or even suspect. But it's very difficult for me to have secrets. My mum doesn't think anyone ever should.

[walker]

bet you mum has plenty of bloody secrets

she just thinks she can control everyone else's

womens aid wont cut you down

and if you call them and don't get through - you can leave your number AND a time when it is safe for them to call you

also

check with shelter - cannot think why anyone would ever limit to one email - if no success with shelter wales - try shelter england

[lonelyheartemma]

Thank you Walker

I bet you're right about my mum having secrets. And I bet I'd get a short answer if I started asking her what all her letters were about. But if I won't let her see my letters I'm being unreasonable and offensive.

There's not often a safe time to call me as my parents are nearly always here. I'd have to trust women's aid before I gave them my phone number. I hope they would understand that. But my parents are going on holiday the day after tomorrow and then I'm going away about a week after they come back so maybe I could visit women's aid or go to a phone box. I do have a phone now but my parents gave it to me which apparently means they can use it whenever they like (I have to keep it in a certain place and I'm not allowed to top it up myself). And because they have given it to me it seems really rude to go out and buy a new phone. But I loved my sister's iPad when she let me play with it and that has an optional phone function so maybe I could buy one for myself and set up the phone on there.

[walker]

tell womens aid that

that they control your use of a phone they gave you

it IS unreasonable

you are not a child

sod being rude

you need some bloody privacy - they done own you

also if you go to WA website - you may be able to find a contact for a service near to you - just click on the 'find help locally' tab on the left hand side

also google for domestic abuse services in your area as not all are womens aid

you NEED to get support in your life

you NEED to find people in real life who will support what we are all telling you here.

xx

oh - and you can trust women's aid

they speak to women every day whose very lives are at risk, - they do not say who they are when they call, and calls do not appear on landline bills (nor on most mob. phones, but you would have to check that)

you can also email them if you prefer, although it is a lot slower

[lonelyheartemma]

Thank you Walker. I looked at the website and it looks really good. It does mention emotional abuse which is good. I think I will write them an email and see what they say. That would be safer and easier than phoning. I don't like phones anyway but I also don't like saying bad things about my mum in her house even when she's not here. It's stupid but it just doesn't feel safe.

If it sounds good from the email it should be possible for me to go and see them. I can tell my mum I'm going shopping and then I can go shopping after I've seen them.

[Threemoons]

Best of luck, Emma. Big hugs. I've come across a French editor's website called Les Nouveaux Auteurs (The New Authors) who send books to people to review it and then if the feedbacks are positive they publish the book. Maybe there exist something like that in your country? Take care.

[lonelyheartemma]

Thank you Threemoons. There might be something like that. I am writing for specific publishers atm but that might not work out.

I emailed my local women's aid but it wasn't delivered so I emailed the national one. They told me I had to phone people. I explained why that's dangerous but they still want me to phone people. They suggested a public phone box but they are public, anyone might hear. This stuff is private. Also they said buying a new sim for my phone but I don't know how to take the old one out. Would the shop show me how if I bought a new sim?

I know where the woman's aid place is so I thought I would go in person on Friday but there's nothing to say you're allowed to just turn up and ask to see someone.

My mum says I'll never get away from her.

I emailed a private CBT therapist too but she hasn't replied yet. I only emailed last night though. I don't think I've got any right to feel rejected for at least a week.