Drama Over The Past Two Days At Work

[Data]

A long post with one bit that may trigger some people - sorry!

Yesterday my manager came down to see me yesterday. Work has been terrible; it has been causing me severe personal stress which is impacting on my home life.

There were six of us at the meeting.

• The director, based on site
• The supervisor, based on site
• My manager, based 300 miles away at the university
• A government advisor
• An administrator from the university
• Me

I did a presentation as I am supposed to, it wasn't very good as the project is really 'up in the air' at the moment, I am stuck for solutions to the problem. Its my project and I am about a month behind schedule. Also, there is some doubt as to whether the project will succeed at all, that was discussed at the meeting - so my job is in jeopardy.

At the end of the meeting they sent me out whilst they discussed me.

When I came back in they said my programming skills are not at the level they expect. They asked me my opinion on that. I disputed it. I said that everyone else gets their code tested and reviewed by other people but I am mostly left to my own devices. They said that other people's code mostly works, the input of others is just to help little things, I said that my code mostly works, but we need it to work 100%, and I only get 99%. I said that my supervisor's code sometimes has bugs in it, which I have to fix. I said that if I had more input from others then I'd not get so many errors. What i am doing is mostly data work and others are often doing things that you can see on the screen, my programming is more complex as its hard to see where my stuff has gone wrong; they can just look at it. If I have a bug it means a few values in an Excel spreadsheet are wrong and if its a massive file the errors are hidden.

The director looked stunned by what I said. He said he would have to think about it and that it worries him that I feel I need "that level of support".

I am worried that I'm just really not that good and that I am making excuses. It embarrases me that I criticised my own supervisor's work at the meeting.

I told my manager, in confidence, that I feel my supervisor is a negative, over-critical hypocrite. She admitted she doesn't know herself if the problem is just that I'm not good enough, or that the task is too complex for one person. In reality, I think its somewhere inbetween the two.

I spent some time with the government advisor and I also told her of the problems but she wasn't able to offer any solutions that made sense. She said things like... write a wish list of things that could solve the problem, then see if you can get any of them to happen. I can't. She suggested finding other people in the company - apart from my supervisor - that can help me with technical problems. I can't do that as it would be seen as a severe snub to him and I don't really mix with my other colleagues, I am kinda in a team of my own with my own project.

Both the government advisor any my manager now know I am looking around for other jobs. It came out in the conversation. I am not going to lie to them.

The manager says its my choice, but nobody should let their personal life be affected by their work. I told her that I hide on my headphones on an evening and she said thats no good.

The government advisor is aware I am under stress.

*may trigger* She said I must tell her if I become suicidal. She mentioned me murdering my entire family. I found that a very inappropriate thing to say!

After the advisor left I spent an hour with my supervisor/manager. I was tired... my watch said 2pm but it was after 5pm! They gave me some suggestions for things that might work, my attitude changed from thinking the whole thing is hopeless to having some optimism.

I came home at 6.30pm last night (after leaving the house at 7am not not really having a lunch break) and it was terrible... my wife was in a mood and my daughter crying about her homework.

Today I came to work feeling positive. Within an hour I was struggling again. The hints my supervisor gave me the previous day were not helpful and I spent about half the morning trying to sort something out and my supervisor had to help me. The hints he had given me the previous day on the problem were useless... totally inaccurate.

I raised another problem with him and he mentioned something we had discussed the other day, when I was tired and didn't have a notepad. When he says "as we said yesterday" the implication is... I said it, why didn't you do it? The answer is, because I am not perfect!

The optimism has drained away again. The job has gone back to being a hard slog where nothing works. I am always groaning to myself and muttering and the guy I share the office with (who does a totally different job to me) knows I am under a lot of stress and sympathises. He has had anxiety problems himself.

Today I had 3 phone calls with people from one recruitment agency. The good news is I have an interview next week. Ironically it looks like the company is in a similar industry to what mine is now, its in the the same town - 30 miles from my home, its not a nice commute. However, its a really good fit and nothing can be worse than this job. The salary is about what I am on now with up to £3k a year more.

I kinda screwed up the phone calls. They wanted me to come to the agency for a talk and I got confused, it looks like they are not a normal agency - they interview people for the company, the first interview is with them.

Then I said I didn't want the job. My reason is that the government advisor talked me into staying until Christmas. She says I shouldn't job hop and my reference might say that the project is going well and if I say its going bad I will look like a liar.

However, I don't believe her, I don't think the reference will be a problem - they are usually just a formality.

Anyway, the agent's manager then rang me to persuade me to think again! I agreed to the interview. I said 10am on Wednesday, but then I changed it to 4pm. I have said I will lie and tell them I have a dentist appointment. He said thats up to me but clearly didn't approve - I shouldn't be so honest!

In reality I don't have to lie, I can just say I have some personal business and ask if I can leave at 3.30pm instead of 4.30pm, I can easily make the time up (well I worked an extra hour yesterday anyway).

Well done if you have got this far! I am feeling overwhelmed... a lot has happened. I also feel guilty... am I making excuses from my own failure? I am embarrased also. I find social things awkward and I think I've made some faux pas. I am stressed as work has gone back to being a struggle. I am angry at my supervisor as he is judgmental.

I managed 2 nights with no alcohol but tonight I am having a few cans.

[jezzie_jay]

I can't even work, so i tip my hat to anyone who suffers the illnesses we do and can hold down a job.

Your job sounds like hell and that you aren't being supported when you've so obviously asked for help. I don't think its your fault at all and you shouldn't be questioning your ability to do the job. The fact that you've been offered interviews for other jobs is a good indicator of your competence. I think the embarrassment is tied in with how stressed you feel and the fact that everything is rather unsettled atm due to you admitting you're struggling. I think you need someone to keep reminding you over the course of this that it doesn't mean you're no good at your job and you're not at fault as you haven't done anything wrong. Sorry to ask such a personal question, but what's your relationship with your wife like? Are you close enough that you could confide in her about the problems you're facing at work and get support and reassurance from her? What about close friends or a therapist? And a couple of cans shouldn't be a problem, just try not to let it become more than that. Not only will going into work smelling of booze not help your situation, but the post-alcohol effects will likely affect your productivity and ability to do your job.

[Dibaby]

You dont sound like you enjoy your job very much. have you thought of retraining in something new and exciting? i dont know what to say, just dont be too hard on yourself and good luck for the interview!

[Data]

I can't even work, so i tip my hat to anyone who suffers the illnesses we do and can hold down a job.

Your job sounds like hell and that you aren't being supported when you've so obviously asked for help. I don't think its your fault at all and you shouldn't be questioning your ability to do the job. The fact that you've been offered interviews for other jobs is a good indicator of your competence. I think the embarrassment is tied in with how stressed you feel and the fact that everything is rather unsettled atm due to you admitting you're struggling. I think you need someone to keep reminding you over the course of this that it doesn't mean you're no good at your job and you're not at fault as you haven't done anything wrong. Sorry to ask such a personal question, but what's your relationship with your wife like? Are you close enough that you could confide in her about the problems you're facing at work and get support and reassurance from her? What about close friends or a therapist? And a couple of cans shouldn't be a problem, just try not to let it become more than that. Not only will going into work smelling of booze not help your situation, but the post-alcohol effects will likely affect your productivity and ability to do your job.

Thanks, you are very supportive Jezzie Jay. I think you are correct with some of the things you say. My relationship with my wife is difficult and I tend to avoid her when I am stressed as I find confiding in her for support leads to argument. I don't have any close friends and haven't had a therapist for some years.

I have a bit of a drinking problem and I often have more than a couple of cans on a night. Funnily enough it doesn't seem to affect me at work but its not good for my health.

You dont sound like you enjoy your job very much. have you thought of retraining in something new and exciting? i dont know what to say, just dont be too hard on yourself and good luck for the interview!

Thanks Dibaby. I have thought of retraining but in some ways I've been retraining for about 20 years! I used to work in call centres and do admin but I got a degree and a PhD in computer science. I don't want to waste my education.

Thanks for the best wishes for the interview!

I worked really well today and surprised my supervisor. I think the problem is that I can't work under stress. When I get a failure I get stressed and it just turns off my logical thought. Or, I go down a line of enquiry that is really irrelevant but all the time I've been doing it I've been happy because what I have been doing has been distracting me from my anxiety, but it has turned out to be unproductive.

I think the way forward for me is to try and think logically despite the stress. I have to acknowledge and accept the anxiety, but find a way to focus on the problem in hand, and regularly keep checking to ensure I have seen the big picture.

[artemis84]

I think you are very good at reasoning through your problems Data, which is commendable. Some people would just blame it on circumstances or other people and refuse to adapt too but you are always looking at ways to move through things. I want to say 'well done' but it sounds patronising - I hope you can see it in the way it is intended!

[Threemoons]

Sorry you're struggling, Data. I hope the interviews go well. Do you think changing company would help? Best of luck.

[lonelyheartemma]

I'm sorry it's been so bad Data

I think you dealt with everything really well, you had to talk about lots of difficult subjects in the meeting but you got through it and you are still working really hard and actually managing to deal with the stress.

I think it's probably quite a good thing you criticised your supervisor. Just because he is your supervisor it doesn't mean he's always right. Your point of view is very important because you are the one who is doing the job and it sounds like you know a lot more about it than he does as his hints weren't any use.

That comment the government advisor made about your family was an awful thing to say, it was very inappropriate! Even if she is ignorant enough to believe that's possible it's still a really hurtful and insulting thing to say. Maybe you did make a faux pas or two, I don't know but I bet you didn't say anything like this!

I think you did well with the phone calls if one of them actually called you back and asked you to reconsider. Even if you were the best qualified I don't think they'd have done that unless they liked you.

2 nights without alcohol is always good, whatever happens on the third night.

I hope the interview goes well.