Career Choice

[burning wing]

Hi guys, I hope you won't judge me... well.. this is how most of these topics start, because we borderlines fear judgement. But still I have to mention this once again =)) I have been diagnosed with BPD in April, but they didn't tell me the diagnosis and I've found out it by myself. Since April I've been in therapy, and it wasn't hard to tell I had BPD since the therapy is about it, discussing such things as abandonment, splitting, sense of life and coping with emotions. Probably, my therapist thinks it's best for me not to know, and I'm afraid of asking directly. I've tried to talk about my diagnosis a few times, but he avoided the talk. I guess even if I say, 'Hey, I know I have BPD', he might get away with it unanswered.

I live in Russia and study at university in law department. But I don't feel like this is what I want to do. I don't see myself as a lawyer. I got into university because I didn't have any other choice and I didn't want to upset my parents and the such. But I always make an effort to make myself do anything, because I don't feel like I want anything. I tried dancing, painting, joining drama school, playing chess, singing and so on. I'd like to transfer to another department but I don't know which one to choose. I've tried so many things and I've never felt anything as mine. I always feel like I don't belong here, or there, or anywhere, or to this world in general. This feeling once led me to a strong suicidal ideation, I used to only think about suicide and wrote poems about it and dreamt about it. It was until I got into university, then I became busy and left this topic for a better time. I hope I won't return to it.

After I started therapy, I found a boyfriend (until then, I'd never had any close relationship with people, I didn't have neither a boyfriend nor any friends at that time). But I feel like he's not the person I should be with... I'm trying to hide my feelings from him because I know he might be hurt, because for a normal person it's weird if someone is so unsure about what she wants. But he still gets angry with me and says he feels like I'm not with him, separated from him and the world and he doesn't even know where I am. It hurts so much to hear that, but I'm trying to understand him, because probably I'm really doing something wrong.

So, I feel like I can't stay in the law department, because I definitely don't want to be a lawyer, but I don't know what to do. How do you cope with this feeling of not belonging anywhere? Is there a way to realise who you are and what you want, at least a little bit? I don't know what it is called I'm feeling, I just feel so empty inside... And I don't want to hurt others or ruin my life, but I feel so far away from the whole world, as if everything around me I see for the first time in my life... and I want to do something different, but I don't know what to do.

[Threemoons]

Hi. To be honest, I don't know what job I want to do either. But I'm doing a competences listing with an organisation that help people determine what orientation they want. Maybe you can do such? I don't know what structures you have in Russia but you may have an orientation councilor at university and maybe it's a good start to see him. Best of luck.