bm33x Posted October 10, 2014 Report Share Posted October 10, 2014 Hi, I've never done anything like this before and am nervous but I'm a little lost at the moment so willing to try. I'm 35 and my GP suspects I have BPD so he referred me to a psychiatrist about a year and a half ago. I made it to one appointment and typical poor follow through resulted in my being struck off. So I haven't been diagnosed but based on my history, that's just a formality. I've never been on any medication or had CBT / DBT and I don't really have anyone to talk to when I'm struggling. Over the past year I've shut myself away and have been self-medicating to get through each day / to keep myself under control. I work and am capable of pretending that I fit into life somewhere but the truth is, I don't feel like I belong anywhere any more. Last August my partner passed away just as we were planning to marry and start a family. She had a 15 year history of extremely abusive relationships and as a consequence, had battled with alcoholism for much the same length of time. What I now recognise as BPD, I had always just put down to an uncanny ability to attract and get myself into trouble. I had gotten into trouble on the Friday, was arrested, and despite explaining my partner's struggle / begging the officers not to leave her alone, they did exactly that. She died of alcohol toxicity sometime on the Sunday and lay undiscovered in our home until I was released on the Monday. She was the kindest most gentle creature that ever graced this world and she was everything to me. She was so understanding of my issues.....she used to say that she even loved the bad in me. I should have been there to look after her and I let her down. The feeling of emptiness I had almost forgotten since meeting her now consumes me, interrupted only by my guilt and my sadness. I'm not sure if it's possible with this disorder for me to ever come to terms with her death? This goes way beyond real or perceived feelings of abandonment. I am truly lost. Anyway, thank you for taking the time to read this. I'm not sure if it's helping but I'm not sure anything can. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Threemoons Posted October 10, 2014 Report Share Posted October 10, 2014 Hi and welcome to this community. First I'd like to say I'm very sorry for your wife passing away. That must be so hard to survive her. Especially since she made you loved and accepted. I feel compassionate toward you. I believe that everything that happens happens for a reason therefore you shouldn't feel guilty of anything. I bet you were a wonderful support for her too so you didn't let her down. You have come to the right place to talk and vent freely, we're open-minded enough to understand your issues and will support you our best. I don't know if it's of any help but know you're not the only one grieving over a close relative. And you're mostly not alone feeling lost in life. Big warm hug. XXX Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bm33x Posted October 11, 2014 Author Report Share Posted October 11, 2014 Thank you for your kind words, I do appreciate it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Humblegrub Posted October 11, 2014 Report Share Posted October 11, 2014 I just wanted to let you know I've read your post and my heart truely goes out to you. I'm afraid I don't have alot to say. but just wanted to let you know you're thought of. You deserve good things. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted October 11, 2014 Report Share Posted October 11, 2014 hi and welcome. What a sad story huge hugs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nelly Posted October 11, 2014 Report Share Posted October 11, 2014 Hello, So sorry for your loss....awful. I don't think you let her down at all. Just wanted to welcome you and hope it helps you being here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bm33x Posted October 11, 2014 Author Report Share Posted October 11, 2014 Thank you all so very much, you are lovely people. It's hard to believe such compassion can be found in the words and thoughts of strangers....I'm genuinely touched. I hope that in time I can repay your kindness or at the very least, help to pass it along. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddy harper Posted October 14, 2014 Report Share Posted October 14, 2014 Thats what we are all here for on this site is to support each other. through the good and bad. thats why i am here still after two years from signing up. I have periods where i dont come on here thats usually when i aint well but i always come back. so you will see me around. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
angel tears Posted October 15, 2014 Report Share Posted October 15, 2014 Hi bm and I am so very sorry for your tragic and utterly heart breaking loss. I can only imagine what you are going through but it sounds so very sad and like you are in the depths of grief. Big hugs if that's ok. Your partner sounded like a wonderful and very troubled person as abuse is very traumatising but I am sure that you did everything that you could to help her. I don't know if you will draw any comfort from this but I believe that we are all here for a set time in this world, in this body as we are now to either learn something or to teach something to somebody else and I believe that about humans and animals. When we have done what we were put here for our body as we are now dies but our soul carries on and is reborn again somewhere else to start a new life to learn the next lesson. Your partner may have been set free from her pain. Big hugs xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bm33x Posted October 16, 2014 Author Report Share Posted October 16, 2014 Sweetheart thank you for your comments, they were very considerate / thought provoking and your big hugs are most welcomed! She was wonderful, my angel, sent to me for some reason which I will never understand.....she could not have been sent to someone less deserving of her love and affection. I tried to do my best by her but the truth is, the strain got to me and I could have done much better. I was weak when she needed me to be strong. If I'd had any inclination that what happened was even remotely possible, I would have said and done many things very differently and if I had, she would perhaps be with me today. Herein lies the source of my guilt....possibly mixed with the self depreciating aspects of BPD, I just don't know. I'm a Business Analyst by trade, my job is to study, research and understand things other's don't and to understand people....their motivations, opinions and needs. I read body language, micro expressions and so on. I have employed this unique skill set to better understand BPD and I'm very self aware. I understand from my research that many people with BPD are highly intelligent, creative and intuitive but that our struggle with everyday emotions makes us volatile and prone to self destructive behaviour. Before my GP suggested that I have BPD I was an angry person, angry all the time at everyone and everything. I realise now that this was my coping mechanism, coupled with excessive drinking (amongst other things). It helped me suppress / numb the emotions which I felt made me weak and vulnerable. Since I stopped being angry / aggressive all the time, I now find that I sit on the bus on the way to work and the emotion of a line from a song almost brings me to tears. I watch a fictional movie and I feel something like a physical pain as a result of the emotions of a character and their situation. I sometimes wonder if I would be better off being angry all the time again, I seemed to function better? And yes I do draw comfort from your beliefs....I have studied many religions searching for one that would make sense of the world and whilst I haven't discovered anything that has changed my life, Buddhism has always appealed. Also, you couldn't be more correct, my Anna finally has the peace in death which she deserved so much in life and I hope with all my heart that there is another life waiting for her that befits her compassionate nature. I would search for her through 100,000 lifetimes for a chance to help compensate for the living hell she suffered at the hands of men who are not fit to draw breath. I don't know why I'm finding it so easy to be this open in response to your message, perhaps it's because it felt quite personal and maybe it's helped by the anonymity of the internet....I could always just avoid logging in here again if I feel too threatened and that makes it easier. To tell you the truth, about a day after posting my topic I tried to find a way to delete my profile but couldn't figure out how. I feel quite selfish / self indulgent now for going on like this but it's been nearly a year and a half and I guess I need to get some thoughts off the mind. I haven't managed to do so with family or friends....not that I have any close friends as the whole interpersonal thing is extremely difficult for me....everybody's friend and nobody's. I'm going to share 2 things with you, the first is harrowing but the second is beautiful and uplifting. I haven't been able to talk to a single soul about the first....it's simply too hard and I couldn't burden anyone I know with this....not somebody I have to look in the eye. I'm really so sorry for burdening you if you read this or anyone else that does. Again, I think the anonymity makes this possible for me. When I was locked up in a cell (which was for charges that were laughed out of court and resulted in no convictions), in response to my pleas not to leave Anna alone, the generous souls in Lothian and Borders Police decided that the best thing for them to do was to take my mobile phone out of the evidence drawer and text her a message to say they were concerned for her safety. Given that she had been drinking over a litre of vodka a day for almost 3 days, I think this confused her and she maybe even thought that I had been released from jail as a result. She sent me a number of text messages. The Police considerately left my mobile on but didn't bother checking the replies that Anna sent after their text. It eventually ran out of power and I didn't get her messages until after my release by which point, it was too late. She blamed herself for 2 of my arrests because she had caused a disturbance and the Police didn't want to listen to either of us. She was haunted by the violence in her past and was, in my opinion, suffering from post traumatic stress disorder, amongst other things. She had a funny way of texting, quirky but probably mixed with the effect of excessive drinking. These are her texts: 24/08 - 15:56 - Blair course won't let see I can be useful ie work. I love adore every part of you X feeling v bleak thoughts hatred am dying for my piece of heaven whatever happens wonderful man. 24/08 - 16:31 - Blair love and need x can't believe this horror can happen, I love forever. 24/08 - 18:05 - Cannot this bad could happen I love you am so scared for you x might go xx 24/08 - 18:34 - You are right and I wish only good for you xx imat end please just realise how much goodness and happiness xx ever and ever. 24/08 - 21:51 - Blair x can't hurt anymore love you too much x sorry Missed call - 25/08 - 10:59 I don't believe that she drank herself to death intentionally.....I can't believe that she would, in sound mind, take the decision to leave me knowing how much I loved, cherished and needed her. Plus, I don't think a person can simply decide to drink themselves to death any more than they can stick their head in a bathtub full of water and drown themselves. Is it horrible of me to share this, I really don't know? I've sat on it for so long that it's practically bursting out of me. To show the kind of person Anna was, I want to tell you about the night we met. I think I've mentioned before that I get in trouble frequently, is this just me??? The difference for me is that I practised martial arts for twelve years and I know deep down I could really hurt people. So I have a habit of instigating confrontation but also have the good sense not to hurt anyone. The flip-side is that I tend to let myself get beaten up a lot. But when you've memorised books such as "Dragon's touch, weak points of the human anatomy", that's without a doubt the lesser of two evils. There are fourteen points from the shoulder up that you can strike a person and if you do so with enough force, you will kill them. Anyway, I was out on a Wednesday night and typical for me, a group of guys were giving me dirty looks so I insulted them. As I left the pub, one of them smashed his empty lager bottle over the back of my head and they gave me a bit of a kicking....nothing serious, I was unconcious for most of it and went home with my tail between my legs to lick my wounds. Whilst most people would have been scared to go out for a while after such an experience, come the Friday night, I went back to the same pub??!?!. In true self destructive fashion, upon bumping into the same group of guys.....I insulted them again. There were 6 of them this time and they made a point of finishing the job properly. They stamped on my head, my hands, my knees....they broke my nose, 4 of my ribs and by the time they were finished I was a little worse for wear.....neither the first, nor the worst serious beating I've had. A very kind barmaid out for a cigarette break dragged me back into the pub and phoned an ambulance, despite my insistence that this was not exactly an a-typical Friday night for me. So there I was at A&E, blood pouring out of both ears, my nose splattered over my face like a boomerang, 2 black eyes, blood seeping through my t-shirt....I looked a mess and I wasn't exactly Brad Pitt to begin with. I'd been waiting over an hour for a brain scan so figured I wasn't in any immediate danger and decided to go for a wander. It was almost 3am and our fine constabulary had finally given up on the possibility of my helping them arrest someone to boost their stats for the week. As I stumbled down a corridor in search of something to do, I happened across this gorgeous little creature lying in a bed across the hallway. She was frail but incredibly beautiful. She was 7 stone that night and one thing I will take credit for is the fact that she was over 9 stone when I lost her. I can't tell if it's my personality or my personality disorder but I'm often much more confident that I should be in certain situations. So I limped over to her bedside and said "darlin', I've been here for hours and I really need someone to talk to, will you talk to me?". Anna said "Of course I will, pull up a chair next to me and tell me all about what happened to you, you poor thing". Bless her, she had been picked up by the police for being heavily under the influence but she was willing to let me bend her ear because of my obvious distress and her own good nature. We chatted for 2 hours and before they took me away for my brain scan, I told her I thought she was lovely and asked if I could have her phone number. She said that she would like that very much and told me that she would wait for me. She took me home, cleaned my wounds (which the NHS couldn't be bothered doing) and even put make-up on me so I didn't look like Frankenstein's monster the next day. Thereafter blossomed the most amazing period of my entire life and I experienced a love so deep, so fullfilling that it will stay with me forever. I shared with her a quote from my favourite poem that night...."there is no cry of pain, without, at it's end, an echo of joy". Anna was my echo of joy. We lived together in bliss until that terrible weekend. I've often thought about killing myself and if I had any belief that I could be with her again by doing so, I would have done exactly that on the 25th August 2014. I'm so sorry for dumping this on you, I don't even know you and it's not fair of me. I'm not sure I have the strength of character to log into this site again after being so brutally honest in public. I'll maybe try in a week or so when things don't feel so raw. Thank you again for your comments honey, your kindness leaves me believeing that there are angels still in this world despite the absence of my baby. Rest in peace my love, Anna Catherine Smith, 22nd August 1972 to 25th August 2013....yours always, Blair. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Threemoons Posted October 18, 2014 Report Share Posted October 18, 2014 Hi Blair. I don't know what to say, what you shared is at the same time terrible and absolutely beautiful. I hope that talking here has helped you. You can log in again without any shame, your presence is appreciated. I'd like you to receive the love of our community. I believe that Anna will live many other lives, each happier than the previous one. I hope that you two meet again in the future, be it in 100 or 1000 years. I can feel the pain in your words and I'm so sorry for this. You've given her love and honor. Wishing you two the best in the world. XXX Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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