How Do I Begin To Like Myself Again?

[Alittlelost]

Hi, I probably do not deserve your advice or support as I'm never very good at providing it myself, however, I just don't know who to turn to about this. I've lost a lot over the last year due to my mental health, it has been like a domino effect but what is the most upsetting for me now is that I have lost myself. I detest myself, I don't like who I've become. I feel like I am just symptoms of BPD rather than Alittlelost, I just see myself as my diagnosis and not me anymore and I hate thinking that others just see me as this too.

To add to this I feel very stigmatised by the mental health system which is lowering my feelings of self worth even further. I will give you an example, in my area every person under CHMT has access to an out of hours support line which is ran by mental health nurses. As it is a new service it is mainly staffed by the crisis team at the moment and they don't like me much. The last two times I have rang, very upset, they tell me to ring somebody else. They tell me "they are not a talking service", to wait until I start the TC and that they are not there to talk things through with me. But I need to tell them why I am upset, why I want to SH etc, isn't that not the point to a support line? I feel as though they think, "here we go again" "she's just PD" and not as a person who is very distressed.

My week consists of seeing my CPN, seeing my support worker, seeing my GP, and my psychiatrist ever few months. I feel so lost. I just don't want to be "this". How can I start getting an identity other than my diagnosis when my life just consists of dealing with the symptoms of BPD.

[Eagleheart]

I went through exactly what you are experiencing atm. Getting a bpd dx is a big deal BUT you need to stop focusing on it. You'll make yourself ill. I remember that before that fateful appt with my psych,i knew who i was. I was a person with a distinct identity. When the appt finished,its as if that distinct "me" had died. But i hadn't. It took a bit of time,but i was able to remember who i was before dx. BPD comes into your life like a tornado & devestates what was. But in amongst the rubble,you are still there. Gather the broken pieces of youself & begin the job of re-constructing yourself. YOU are still YOU.xxx

[Alittlelost]

Thank you Eagleheart. I've had the DX years but I denied It. I wasn't until I acknowledge it, that I began to see the symptoms in me. I used my career as my identity. Now I no longer have my career, the only thing I have is that diagnosis, so I suppose that is who I feel I am. I don't know where to begin to find my true self again.

Thank you for the encouragement Eagleheart.

[Eagleheart]

You could try recalling the parts of you that very strongly expressed your identity. I spent quite a while looking into myself. I remembered how artistic & creative i was. I wrote poetry & short stories. I loved music,i loved nature. So many things came back to me. Write down anything of yourself that comes to mind. BPD is actually meaningless. It's a label that psychiatrists created when they encountered complex characters. Really. That's all it is. It makes their job easier if they have a convenient label to contain you.

[Alittlelost]

I'll try that, thank you Eagleheart. I am a very caring person, I love animals, I enjoy solving problems and helping others. It is the lable I'm struggling with, if professional don't take the time to get to know the person all they see is the BPD diagnosis. We are all individuals and it angers me that some people don't understand that. I have a great CPN who I've been seeing for years, she tells me all the time that she sees potential in me but there are other professional that contribute to me feeling like I am just the DX. I know I need to stop basing my self worth on how others see me, especially people that do not know me enough to judge. I know I need to start finding things I like about myself to help counterbalance.

Thank you Eagleheart, for helping me feel a bit more positive about myself xx

[Eagleheart]

It's my pleasure. I really get angry at mh professionals who throw around labels with NO thought of the effect they have. I will fight against it whenever i see the damage that's done.

I cherish certain things that comfort my soul. Getting up & having a big mug of tea & a cigarette. Going for walks with my cats. And snuggling down in a warm bed with a good book. These things are part of my essence. I really believe you will find your essential self. I'm here to help,whenever you need.x

[Alittlelost]

Similar staples there; big mug of coffee, cigarettes, my cat and a good book . I think sometimes I take the small pleasures for granted, I must make more of an effort not to.

I've worked in the mental health and have seen, heard and experienced stigma first hand and the scary thing is newly qualified mental health professionals are picking up the same prejudgments as the senior mental health professionals. It saddens me. Not all mental health professionals though (I had to put that in else I'd feel guilty towards my CPN).

Cannot thank you enough, for making me open my eyes enough to start seeing through this.

I hope you enjoy the rest of your weekend. x

[Eagleheart]

I hope you can hold on to the small things that make up who you are. They can help to keep you grounded.

I think my hubby may be making us bangers n mash!!! Mmm,lovely jubbly!!! Xxx

[Alittlelost]

Healthy dinner of a jacket potato for me...... Cooking for one is suprisenly hard

Enjoy your bangers and mash… jealous much lol

I'll keep looking for those little things, thank you xx

[Threemoons]

Hugs to you, Alittlelost. I hope that Eagle's advises help you to find yourself again.

[Alittlelost]

Thank you, Threemoons.

[Saharah Blue]

You post reminds me of an exercise my therapist had me do early on in my Dx She had me make a list of all the no go areas of my life. All the things I wanted to do and felt like I couldn't for some reason or another. The list was full of things I "used to do". Then we worked on the list and slowly started working through the obstacles of what was holding me back. Obviously, it took a lot of time to find the me I wanted to be again, but I did find myself, and I learned how to give myself permission to be me.

Eagle is right, all the little small things really help.

[addy2]

I feel a lot like this alittlelost I disagree with my dx and always will but something is ruining my life and is just getting worst like you I'm lost in it all I have no idea who I am or where I'm going or what my purpose is, the fact that I'm a mum used to be enough but not anymore. I find I do all these things to try to be normal but I just don't know any it either. Sorry my reply isn't much use I just wanted you to know I feel the same hugs xx

[Alittlelost]

That sounds like a very good exercise to do Saharah and although it took a lot of time and effort I'm guessing, im glad it helped you. Although I haven't got the help of a therapist at the moment (until I start TC), I will try it myself, maybe writing a list of what I feel I've lost about myself will help me try and build my identity back. Thank you.

I'm sorry Addy that you are feeling this way too. It saddens me that a lot of people are experiencing "losing themselves" or "not liking themselves" due to BPD. It really isn't a very nice feeling at all.

I'm overwhelmed by your responses. I feel less alone, thank you very much x

[maddy harper]

i dont know who i am iether alittlelost i am 30 you would think i would know who i am what with my age n stuff but i havent got a fucking clue. I have just come out of a relapps again! Head just broke. I have had three medication changes n the last five weeks so i have not been well. Huge hugs sweets. Take care and be kind to your self. Xxxx

[Lily-Bee]

The best advice I can give is to work on your selfcompassion. You cant MAKE you like you or have selfesteem but selfcompassion is something you can actively practice and from there these other things can grow.

Kirsten Neff wrote a good book about it.

And I advice to keep a diary in which every day you write the few nice things about that day which can be as small as my coffee was good.

You can also write achievements in there like I made a difficult phonecall etc little things as these really are the building blocks of the bigger stuff.

[maddy harper]

thats a good idea lily. you always come up with good ones. think i may start writing nice things about my day so its less of a struggle for me.

[Alittlelost]

Aw, Maddy Harper, I'm so sorry that you are also having a difficult time with this. Big ((hugs)) to you too.

My mum came over to see me for the day today, like most Sundays and spent the majority of the day telling me she believes in me and that when I am better I will be able to show everybody who doubts my abilities which was lovely. It is hard and upsetting for me, seeing my mum upset because I am so upset with myself. I don't appriciate her enough

Lilly-Bee, it is strange that you mention self compassion. Since being discharged from hospital my GP has gone on and on at me about reading a book called The Compassionate Mind. I have eventually took her advice and have downloaded a copy and will take your advice and jot down at least one thing good about that day…

so today, I have had a lovely day with my mum.

All these exercises you are providing me are great, I appreciate it very much. I may have to start a list reminding me of the lists I need to write though :)