Giving Up :(

[addy2]

The one part of me I always tried to keep I have decided I'm letting go I'm giving up. I have anxiety and panic disorder along with everything else but my point is I push myself way harder than anyone I know I push myself to do things that even people without an anxiety disorder would struggle to do and all because I expect I should be able to do the things and I so badly want to do them so I take part in a choir on stage in front of hundreds and shook the entire time took me days to recover them I sang in church last Sunday on the second occasion I walked out of church. I am supposed to take part in training in the city over the next six months I've never been to Belfast on my own I can barely make it there with someone let alone take the bus alone and make it to the university from there alone. I should add I can't drive my kids to school anymore because of oanic attacks. It's almost panto time again four yrs I've been taking part now today when speaking to another woman who took part I took a panic attack so how do I expect to take part again. Then went to order my kids McDonald's same thing again panic just now sitting at home anxious and shaky and know what I'm thinking why the hell do I bother so it has finally won, I give up I no longer intend to fight this illness, 20 yrs I've been fighting, going out pushing the panic to have a life for what it hasn't got easier. So no more fighting I'm not doing anything anymore I intend to stay in bed and give up the determination I once had has totally gone now :(

[PDBPD]

Addy...I fought with alcohol for too many years...when I stopped fighting...Me against the devil drink...worked with other people. Stopped seeing and experiencing my problems as a fight...I got sober

Does that make sense Addy ??

Steve

[Peregrine]

Dear addy, i hope my few words will at least let you know I'm thinking of you. I have existed for the past few weeks, robotic. It's all there is, but part of me accepts that this is the way it has to be for now. Apart from work and tending to the dogs there is nothing. Maybe a few duvet days is what you need right now. I'm sorry, i don't have any advice. Only a wish that you stay safe and the dispair passes soon.

[addy2]

It makes sense Steve and I feel this is where i'm going wrong I'm trying to be someone I'm not and doing things I really am not capable of doing I have this great expectation of me and so desperately want to be normal but I'm not I'm far from it I struggle so badly it was when my partner said he is concerned for my health and why do I push myself so much that made me think why do I? I need to accept I'm struggling and that I'm not well really not well instead of pretending that all is ok when it's not. Thankyou fabchun I hope things get better for you soon I really do, I've stayed in bed most of the week until today but today was so hard I just need a break like you I'm just doing what I have to do I just can't keep up with it anymore which makes me so sad but it's the way it is xx

[Threemoons]

Hi Addy, sorry things are so hard. Maybe you just need a break and some bed time to recover? I hope the despair passes soon. I'm thinking of you, dear. You're cared for. Panic attacks are awful things, I'm sorry you have so many of them. But please don't lose hope for a better life, as I believe it's still possible for you. There is light at the end of your tunnel, I can see it. Wishing you a peaceful night. With love. XXX

[addy2]

Thankyou threemoons I'm just so disappointed I thought after years of fighting everything that I would be doing so much better but panic attacks still rule my life I can be in the middle of a conversation with someone and just feel the panic starting for nothing that's what gets me. Maybe staying in bed will help it definitely can't make anything worse I hope anyway xx

[Threemoons]

Back in time I also thought I would be so much better now, having a job and my own flat. It's not what happens but I keep working on that. I hope you have a good rest tonight. Some more hugs to you.

[artemis84]

Hi addy,

I know I haven't posted much lately but I have been reading your posts and I just wanted to let you know that you are in my thoughts. You are right, you have been fighting for so long, it is no wonder you feel exhausted with it. I can't offer much by way of advice because so much of your initial post is like reading my own thoughts and I don't know what the answer is either.

Take some good care of yourself and you never know, you may find some renewed fight or even some relief. I hope so. Hugs xxx

[addy2]

Thankyou artemis I hope everything is ok with you? I'm just so tired now I stayed in bed most of the week and I'm still exhausted usually I make myself get up and get out there but not anymore I'm just going with what I feel these days. I'm supposed to attend a dbt review on Wednesday but I'm not sure I will her answer for me recently was enough and if it's true and there are too many barriers for therapy to work them why would I waste anyone's time anymore. I hope you had a nice weekend Artemis xx

[Threemoons]

Hi Addy, hugs to you. I see that you're still in despair. It's your right to not go to the review but please tell them why you don't and how you feel, as I hope that someone of them can hang you a helping hand. Take good care, maybe pamper yourself for a bit.

How are you, Artemis?

[addy2]

The thing is even if I don't go she doesn't care I'm no longer under their care so even if I were to tell her how I feel she wouldn't want to listen I want to ask her what she meant by barriers and does she realise what she said and what it means for me it means there's no hope because I'm fighting a loosing battle and to say I shouldn't do anything what does that mean should I just say I will be like this forever there is no hope that's what she means there's no hope for me and in all honesty she's right. I've felt like this since Wednesday threemoons even tried going out to buy good today but it didn't help I'm so anxious I'm back to feeling unsteady and shaky what annoys me more is why do I let that woman get to me so much xx

[Threemoons]

I think a professional should never say that there's no hope, maybe it's not what she was saying. You'll know only if you ask her. Is your GP aware of your state? What does he say? I think a trip to his office could be worth it. I'm sending you love.

[addy2]

I called her today the psychologist but she never returned my call and she won't but I have a dbt review on Wednesday and I want to ask her but I'm so afraid she won't answer me or I won't want to hear what she has to say. I have cried all day I couldn't sleep I was so anxious and I rang lifeline which helped a bit but fell apart this evening and called the duty officer and then cried to her and she mentioned hospital I was like no way so she also advised me to call the psychologist I said I did but she won't reply but obviously she can't comment on it I said I understand that she also said I have an appt with my psychiatrist next Tuesday I said I wasn't told yet she said I'll get a letter. I'm feeling so sick and I can eat I told the duty officer the urge to cut or od she said just get through each hour as it comes instead of a head of myself. To make it worse I got the text from the pantomime society telling me they want me for the panto that made me cry too I'm feeling so useless. Xxx

[Threemoons]

You're not useless Addy, that's the depression telling you that. If they want you for the pantomime it's probably because you're good at it. I think you did extremely well calling the psychologist and the lifelines, it's what you needed. I'm sorry that you feel so overwhelmed that you think about cutting or overdosing, please don't do it. Also, get each hour as it comes, I know it's bloody hard when you're suffering but you'll be okay, trust me. Tuesday is not far away and then you'll be able to ask for help. I hope he can give you what you need. Hold on dear friend, I love you. Sending you hugs, take care.

[addy2]

I'm so scared though threemoons so scared they will give up. Lifeline can be good only thing is they call my therapist who doesn't be happy about it so I have to ask them not too but if I were to admit anything dangerous they ring her straight away. I love the panto I have did four of them, let his would be my fifth year last year I was in hospital two weeks before the performance and I panicked on stage one night which scares me and by anxiety is far higher than it was then but I keep hoping if I commit to rehearsals it might help but it makes me so sad I want to do so many things but this anxiety just ruins it and I also need to tell my psychiatrist I stopped all my meds he isn't going to be impressed he'll be saying it's my own fault xx

[artemis84]

Addy, you have done so well today. Amid your crisis you have taken positive steps, none of which can have been easy given your highly anxious state. Like threemoons says, I think the invite from panto will have been because you have done a good job in previous years. I can understand that you will want to take part, not only because it is a good feeling, but also, somewhere in your mind it will be a sign that you are 'ok'. Not going might seem to you as a 'failure' (which it is not!). It is tricky because you will obviously have to either commit or not and fairly soon I imagine. I would be tempted to say take a break from it this year and if you feel up to it perhaps you can help out backstage or something nearer the time. I understand that the decision is not that straight forward though.

I also know how hard it is to be told by someone to take each hour at a time. I have had that advice given to me before and I wanted to scream - how can someone expect you to live your life hour by hour, it seemed to me like being in a hostage situation and not a fair way to expect someone to live.

I hope that all of these phone calls etc can get you some useful feedback. Do you have to go to the dbt review on weds? Given how you feel about them and how you are feeling this week yourself, I don't think anyone would say anything if you didn't go...

I don't think the psychiatrist will say it is all your own fault, he should listen to why you felt you should stop your meds in the first place.

Sending hugs and warm wishes xx

[Threemoons]

So you stopped all your meds? Addy, dear, it's no wonder you're so anxious. Why did you stop them? Were they giving you bad side effects? Oh, Addy... Please consider taking them again, you would feel so much better... What's so terrible about taking meds?

[addy2]

I am so tempted to miss a yr Artemis but your right I would feel like a failure if I can commit to the rehearsals it might be possible but the way I've been lately I don't even know if I can, we practise on stage from quite early on and if I can be with others it might be ok last yr I was on stage on my own a lot which is terrifying and I had I engage the audience and talk to them it was scary. I don't have to go to the review but the next one is in April but then again I'm not under them anymore so it doesn't matter I guess. It's hard to take it hour by hour I feel so shaky and yuck. I am scared of meds threemoons and I convinced myself the meds were making me worse I found it so hard to take them in the first place took me months and now I've went and stopped them I also get paranoid like the meds are controlling me or making me feel a certain way which scares me too but then again I'm scared of everything xx

[Threemoons]

That's okay Addy, no one can force you to take them. Just say this to your psychiatrist and he should try to get you another help without the meds. It's very brave that you consider going to the rehearsal, congratulations for your courage. Keep going, you can do it! Love.

[Peregrine]

Hey addy, i get stressed easily when so many things are happening and when i FEEL as if everybody expects things of me. This may be similar to your dbt group, whether to go or not, or the panto, whether to take part this year or not, or the psychiatrist with his meds.

Taking a step back, and i know this is easier said than done, life is like that. Saying no to something is ok. Most people do this because they have a firm sense of self whereas we're a bit like amoebas, shaping ourselves to each situation. It's like our mind works and the thing we hate most is letting people down or not living up to what we perceive to be their expectation of us. When you start looking around, there are tons of people who say no every day and no one will think any less of them. Sometimes, there is resentment though and we find that hard to deal with as it stings our already fragile self worth. It's really tricky, but maybe you can take a step back and look at your situations and the choices you have. It may not feel that way, when anxiety hits, but the choices are there all the same.

From one of your earlier posts in this thread - i think what they mean by having a lot of barriers is that instinctively or consciously we often don't allow help. It doesn't mean that we're beyond it, far from it, but we have to learn to let go a little and let them help us. What fucked me right off last week was my psychologist saying that he may not be able to help me. I asked why and felt the all to familiar fear of rejection and anger about it rise up. He explained that he will have to speak with his supervisor and i may be able to stay with him or be referred to a psychologist trained in personality disorders. Initially i got really angry and felt like that for a few days but then i thought that it may be for the better.

The thing to try and always remember is that we are lock AND key. We are an integral part of this whole debacle with mental health services. It often feels 'that they're doing things TO us' but as soon as we feel this, the barrier is there. I understand it so well because a huge part inside of me is scared that they screw me over but i know that if i decide to listen to this forever, they can do what they want and not get through to me. I've said to the psychologist that i don't know what to do as i don't want to be fucked over but that I'm sad I'm feeling this way. I don't know if any of this is of any help to you but i hope that you can make yourself heard and find a way to let them help you.

[addy2]

I held of on meds for yrs I only gave in earlier this yr because nothing was working I don't know what to do now he said meds were my only option to stabilise things for therapy not that they did. I've been thinking that fabhcun about saying no to things I find it so hard I feel I have to take every opportunity I'm given even if I can't cope with it like the training with the psychologist I so badly want to be accepted by them and because I got a place i will go to great lengths to attend even though it stresses me out so much same with panto and choir these people accept me and I so badly want to be liked and accepted that I will do whatever although I do want to do panto too though. I understand that feeling people expect too much I'm the same and I get so stressed. You could be right about the barriers I know my dbt one to one had mentioned my anxiety and dissasociation as being a problem and I know I do block people they can't get in to help I go so far then I back away and I can't trust or build a relationship with the therapist I am so afraid of being let down and rejected and they have done it in the past everyone lets me down at some point but I get what you mean they can't help if I don't let them. I still want her to tell me what she meant though that's if she will. I would be feeling the same as you if my psychologist said that to me but your right it could be for the best because someone trained in personality disorders might be able to help you more. How do we drop the barrier though I don't know how too i know that sounds strange but I don't even know I'm blocking them and i so desperately want someone to help but it just doesn't reach me. Thankyou both threemoons and fabhcun xxx

[Peregrine]

I totally get what you mean by feeling accepted and therfore bending over backwards to not jeopardise these forms of relationship. It would be wrong to go against it though, as they're positive, affirming relationships but we have to remember that we can't please everyone without giving ourselves up. It's such a tricky thing to navigate.

Maybe, with the barriers, it's something you could talk about. You seem to be aware that it is an issue, but most of the time we're not even aware. I can only speak about dissociation, as I've started to discuss this with my psychologist and i never thought it's a big issue. The only way i can see to get over this is to become more aware, with professional help, and catch yourself when the defense goes up. I got very angry to start with, as i thought he's going to take all of that away from me, leaving me with nothing else to cope with. But I've read up about it and the truth is that no one can take barriers away from you whatsoever. It's up to each individual to recognise and slowly let go. Is this something you could discuss with your therapist? Talk about barriers and that you know you have them but can't control it and that it drives you crazy not knowing how to go about reducing your blocking? I have the same issue with my psychologist, i can't quite trust him, but he is aware. Something I've started doing with communicating tricky issues like that is write down what i think and then read it out, as i would never be able to talk freely about these things. When i read out loud, i can pretend it's someone else that's written that. I know it's half bullshitting myself but at least i communicate.

[addy2]

I think the problem is I don't know when I have out barriers up I wasn't even aware I did until she told me last week, I did wonder why nothing really worked and they didn't have an impact on me but I didn't know why I still don't. I know I dissasociatie a lot and my dbt therapist had said this was a big issue and anxiety because it took away my ability to focus maybe she meant that too I just wish she would tell me. I think your right if I could recognise it when it happened or even after then I could do something about it. I think maybe how I feel about myself has a lot I do with it for me accepting help is a weakness and I feel useless I don't care much for myself and never have been able to self soothe no matter how hard my therapist tried I just don't feel I deserve it I guess that's a block maybe my hatred for myself. I couldn't sleep last night thinking about it. I don't know if I can discuss it with this therapist that's another block I don't trust her I feel she doesn't like me like she judges me so I guess unless I can drop that and tell her that I'm going no where. I take everything personally is another issue if I really think about it no wonder no one can help me my social worker used to say I was my own worst enemy she's right. I get what you mean about writing the stuff down and reading it out I can see how that works maybe I will try that when I talk about blocking if I don't do something soon I may as well leave therapy now xxx

[Threemoons]

Addy, please don't leave therapy. I think you still need to be helped and they're helping by listening to you, even if you don't feel it. I fear that your anxiety would rise up even more if you left. You're the only one to decide ultimately but please do consider all of your options. Take care.

[addy2]

Thanks threemoons I'm so stressed about it all and I rang that psychologist twice and she won't take my call because the secretary asks whose calling then hold on so she's obviously there then she says leave a message I said it's personal she said if you tell me I can tell Tina and get back to you, what is she royalty. I wanted to know before I go tomorrow so that I'm not asking her during the review as it's for everybody. I am so anxious today and my partner had the dentist this morning and I had to take the kids to school now he's at the doctors and not answering his phone and I'm sitting here shaking I feel so stupid like i am an adult and I have my kids here but I can settle I just need to know where he is otherwise I panic. I know it's not fair on him. I just wish he would hurry up. I have an appt with my psychiatrist on Tuesday or so the duty officer told me I don't have a letter yet she said it was on my notes. Do you ever feel with this illness that there is never hope or improvement? I listen to other people who make progress and I'm thinking I'm always stuck it scares me so much xx