Threemoons Posted October 14, 2014 Report Share Posted October 14, 2014 Well, I don't have BPD but I've already felt like all the efforts were done for nothing, that I was stagnating and that it would be enough of a little breeze to knock me backward. And it is indeed scary. I understand you feel like there is no hope but this is an illusion created by the illness. As far as you're alive there is still hope. It's not a cliché. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
addy2 Posted October 14, 2014 Author Report Share Posted October 14, 2014 I rang my dbt therapist the one who did the one to one with me he actually took my call. I explained to him why I was calling and he said that was ok he said he was pleased I could feel that I could call and him and he said he was glad to hear from me then I cried I hate how I do that, he said they spoke about me on the last day and he said the barriers he spoke about were anxiety and the fact that I had to travel so far to get there he said I couldn't focus then and dissasociation was another one and to top it of he said you can't treat what you don't accept he said he spent most of the time trying to convince me I have Bpd and I disagreed, he said in his eyes I worked hard and I struggled and he said he wanted to take me out but then he said he knew I would have felt hurt an abandoned so he did what he thought was best and I like a wimp was still crying. He said that's another symptom I always focus on the negative and I do. I thanked him for helping me and I told him I did take some things from it but I feel so sad now and so lost he said they will offer me dbt in the future again and he hopes I'll take them up on it. So tomorrow I might ask the psychologists version that's if she will even speak to me. I know I should have hope it's just so hard these days. Thankyou threemoons xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peregrine Posted October 14, 2014 Report Share Posted October 14, 2014 It's good you called, addy. Don't be hard on yourself for crying. I wish i could do more of that these days. My eyes feel like dried up marbles. I'm sure there is a lot to think about for you after this call. Maybe you feel sad because of the connection during your chat and now that's it again. You're not without hope, dear addy, it's just hard to feel. If you were, you wouldn't have called, nor would you still engage with your psychologist. And they are positive things. As for barriers-I've only been told recently that i dissociate, so I'm still getting my head around it but try not to think too much about it. Got a questionnaire to fill in and we'll go from there. I try not to see it as this monster now but rather a creative and intelligent way of dealing with stressful situations. But i can see how it prevents me from engaging with people face to face. But we can do this! I'm thinking of you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
addy2 Posted October 14, 2014 Author Report Share Posted October 14, 2014 It's hard to deal with the dissasociation fabhcun I find it so hard to bring myself to the here and now. Yeah it's sad because all the people who knew me are no longer involved and even though I've been with my new therapist five months I have no connection. I find I dissasociate most when people are talking one minute I'm there next I'm not and even today my partner had a new coat on and I said you didn't tell me and he said he did in the kitchen just ten mins before I said no you didn't he said he did and that I drew a card shape with my hands an started to speak but I have no memory it's so strange. It's funny how I'm more connects with him than I thought I rarely cry either but I just felt so sad. Now it's the psychologists turn tomorrow if she speaks to be that is. He said the same as you that I shouldn't give up that it's not hopeless I said that's how she made me feel by saying that. I hope therapy is going ok for you? Hugs fabhcun xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peregrine Posted October 14, 2014 Report Share Posted October 14, 2014 Thanks addy. I just think there must be a way to stay more connected. I hardly ever deal with people now face to face. My memory is shoddy but i want to find out how much of this is the quetiapine clouding my mind and how much is me not being quite present. Therapy is on hold a bit for me. I was angry about it at first, but now I'm ok. Have a good night. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
addy2 Posted October 15, 2014 Author Report Share Posted October 15, 2014 Yeah I remember you saying about your therapist thought you should see someone trained in pd s, do u know how long you will have to wait? I'm exhausted I went to the dbt review and the psychologist made it all about barriers so instead of returning my call she dedicated the entire two hours to it, it was ok she said there are a lot of barriers like one is I question my judgement and decisions all the time so she said that's why I doubt my own skills and belief in myself also because I am so detached all the time I'm never there. It made sense I guess but i was so anxious all the time then I had to get two buses home I felt sick by the time I got home and I'm supposed to be travelling to Belfast to meet the psychologist who I will be doing the training with and it's a two hour bus journey where as today was an hour. I so badly want to do the training but if I was terrified today and I'm familiar there and with the journey how will I ever travel to the city. I'm so tired I took a pic of myself on the bus to send my partner I had bought a fleecy blanket with reindeer on it and I was wrapped in on the bus he said I looked ill and I do the sparkle has gone from my eyes I used to have smiley eyes now they are black and empty it was depressing to see. How was your day fabhcun? Xxz Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peregrine Posted October 16, 2014 Report Share Posted October 16, 2014 Addy, sorry for late reply. I'm glad you went in the end, to the dbt meeting, as it sounds as if there were some useful things you could take away from it. Maybe you could do some practice runs into the city and familiarise yourself with the route? It sounds like you really want to do the training and it's the journey holding you back. At least, when you've been a few times, you know what to expect. I'm ok, thanks. Keeping everything together. I see my psychologist again on 28 th and he will then let me know whether i stay with him, or whether I'm being referred. I'm easy about it at the moment. Hope you have a good night. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
addy2 Posted October 16, 2014 Author Report Share Posted October 16, 2014 Hi fabhcun, it's too far away to do practise runs it's a two hour journey and I find it hard with the hour one I do now, I so badly want to do the training but I'm not sure i can cope with the travelling. Tonight I went to a two hour course in the town I live in and panicked the entire time which tells me I'm not sure I can go, it's so frustrating to want to do the thing and not be able to. The psychologist running it said she would meet me for lunch next week and take me to the university we would be meeting in but I'm. It sure maybe I need to admit I can't do this. I did take stuff from the review I'm glad I went now it kind of made things clearer for me. I hope it works out for you with the therapist and that he is able to sort something for you if you aren't staying on it can be stressful not knowing sometimes. I hope you had a good day? Xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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