polystyrenegirl Posted October 12, 2014 Report Share Posted October 12, 2014 as a person, I don't think I'm too shabby. There are definitely parts of myself that I like or admire. However I hate the grip BPD has on me. I hate my inability to form relationships, my exhausting switching between idealizing and devaluing, my lack of trust, my emotional instability... Claire is a nice person. Claire has a past, a present and potentially a future. But my bpd clouds all that. it removes all hope, all clarity. I am so ashamed of the things I have done to try to communicate distress. I constantly punish myself. But I would also like to recover. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mert Posted October 13, 2014 Report Share Posted October 13, 2014 I know the feeling...keep fighting and keep strong. X Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Threemoons Posted October 13, 2014 Report Share Posted October 13, 2014 Hi! I too hate my disorders, what they do to me and my relatives. But I've learned to accept that I've them and I think it's important that you do the same. Do you think that you could accept your diagnosis? Keep strong. Hugs to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
angel tears Posted October 14, 2014 Report Share Posted October 14, 2014 So brilliantly written Hun and just how I would also explain this awful illness....... It does create a lot of shame and some of the stuff that I have done or thought I hate too but it's great that you can see beyond it and you can see your good points!! that's great progress. You are seeing the grey bits and not just the black and white That's great!! But this BPD when it strikes us rips right through us don't it!!!!! Xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Data Posted October 14, 2014 Report Share Posted October 14, 2014 There is no difference between you and the BPD. The BPD is a part of you. That is why its called a personality disorder. I am sorry you feel ashamed of the things you are done. Sometimes desperate people do foolish things. I have done many foolish things myself in the past. I hope you can move on from the past and find a future for yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
polystyrenegirl Posted October 18, 2014 Author Report Share Posted October 18, 2014 Hi Data, you're right that bpd is a part of me, that there's no difference between us. Sometimes I find it helpful to objectify bpd so that I can gain some clarity or distance from those traits. My therapist said last week that with each day my childhood and traumatic past has less and less of an effect on me. I liked that. I'm trying to stand on my own two feet Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saharah Blue Posted October 18, 2014 Report Share Posted October 18, 2014 I can empathize with your needing to create distance from the cluster of undesirable symptoms and look into your heart and understand your true intentions. I can really relate to your first post describing liking yourself but not your BPD. I feel exactly the same. It can really be painful to be able to pull yourself back and see the potential you have and where you could be without the BPD. However, Data is right about it being interwoven in a way that requires acceptance. I don't know if I will ever make 100% peace with my BPD, but I really work to not be hard on myself and offer myself as much self compassion as I can muster. Sometimes that is just lying in and having a duvet day and tucking up. Sometimes it is treats like getting a manicure or clothes. Other times I simple remind myself to meditate, exercise, and eat well, because I deserve to be healthy and feel good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenny1471 Posted October 18, 2014 Report Share Posted October 18, 2014 Hello I really like how you put it. Personally I find it hard to like myself as all I can see sometimes it my behaviour. And when, in therapy, I've behaved err.. 'badly' my therapist has said that she likes ME but she does not like my behaviour. And really this is what we need as children.. for someone to like us a people regardless of behaviour or difficulties or anything. And I quite like that. I never thought of actually allowing myself to like myself though. Sounds stupid but that's quite a new concept for me! So yes.. maybe I will allow myself to like Jenny. Yes BPD makes it difficult at times.. and yes BPD is part of me.. but it doesn't mean I'm unlikeable. (I think). Hope your therapy continues to help and that things improve for you. Thank you for making this thread and sorry for replying with stuff about me, but it made me think x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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