Kara. Posted November 5, 2014 Report Share Posted November 5, 2014 There's a lot of new people around but also some older members. Some may remember me... When i asked for support that was usually related to problems in therapy. It's not different now. I'm sorry. I don't know what to do. I have been struggling with this therapist for a long time now. I have deep deep resistance to closeness because of dependency fear, rejection, abandonment and a rage that scares even the toughest. I need an incredible reliable person but no one can ever be as reliable as need. I know that. This knowledge has made me stay even when my body was squirming to stop. My T works everyday until 10pm and saturday mornings and often this spills out into therapy with T failing to do something that T has said T would do, with T changing T's holidays dates last minute when i had already planned my holidays around T's holidays, with T failing to reply when i am in crisis, with T blaming me for not being more able to tolerate T's shortcomings. The so called splitting. This week i didn't go to therapy as i was struggling with very difficult feelings. I wrote to T instead and asked T, via text, to read it in my session time (which i pay for) as I know that T doesn't have any other time. When there was 6 minutes to the end of my session T texts me saying that T can't find my email and can i resend it. I am disappointed. That was my session and T won't have time to really be 'with me'. I hadn't seen T last week because of half term. I couldn't come to last session because of transports and I had abandonment panic... T wrote a quick reply, after 10pm, to my deep troubled feelings in which T lies saying that T thought that i hadn't sent the email, when my text was clear about having sent it. I reply back saying how disappointed I am that T used my session to do whatever else and T replies saying that I am always attacking T's flaws because of my ambivalent feelings. Which I am. I own that. I do do that. But T hasn't ever been able, so far, to understand how my abandonment and rejection schemas are triggered by T's lack of consistency and predictability. To this T says that T is always present in my sessions. But there's more to schema therapy than that. T asked me to be dependent on T and encouraged me to write emails in between sessions just to feel overwhelmed when I was expecting at least an acknowledgment of my email when i enter a crisis. No more emails now. Even if i am in crisis. My whole body wants to end therapy but the thought of it makes me panic. I wish I didn't need so much. I feel so humiliated and so frightened. I made a big commitment to this T but this hasn't been reciprocated. I like(d) this T so much. So much. This T has been the most lovely person i have been in contact with because T has showed me the Totoro feeling. That once. At some point it changed. Now i'm constantly running after T and T seems really adverse to this and is not getting involved emotionally with me. This makes me need T more and consequently enraged and T reacts by 'pushing me away'. I couldn't hate myself more. What is what? I want to be wrong. I want to be wrong. How do i know if i am wrong? What's right? what's wrong? I know that as bpd i am mostly wrong. But that is why i need therapy. A person with cancer is not wrong. Needs treatment. Some cancers are not curable. I want to give up. I want to give up everything. I can't leave T. When i think of how lovely T was.... I thought I was safe. That thought was the best thought ever. I want that thought back. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenny1471 Posted November 5, 2014 Report Share Posted November 5, 2014 Hi I just wanted to reply to say I've read and heard this. I need to get ready for work but will reply properly when I can Xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
addy2 Posted November 5, 2014 Report Share Posted November 5, 2014 Hi karaindrou can you keep that thought can you try and remember it and feel it again? I am so like this I struggle with getting close and I can't allow myself and then if I do give a bit I am on the lookout for rejection and everything they say ir do after that I see as a rejection I'm not saying you do the same though. I thought my dbt therapist hated me and I got access to my mh notes and he didn't hate me he actually cared and all the time in therapy I was sure he hated me I took everything he did as a sign of rejection even the way he looked at me but I was wrong and I only know that now I miss him now and now I have a new therapist and the pattern is the same she hates me if she doesn't walk me to the door then she obviously hates me everything she does is her rejecting me they can't win. I can totally understand why your upset though when you pay for the session you expect that session for you and your right it totally should be. I'm sorry I'm not much use in what in trying to say but from my own experience they haven't been rejecting me or pushing me away it's been my perception and then I react and then the relationship falls apart. I'm not saying this is what's happening with you but I can so relate hugs karaindrou xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kara. Posted November 5, 2014 Author Report Share Posted November 5, 2014 addy, thank you so much. I think a lot of you, you know? Yes. I am like that too. Everything is a sign of rejection and yes, there's no winning for them. And no forgiveness for their mistakes. I will try to hold on to that lovely feeling. That is a very good idea addy. Thank you so much for helping me. Big hug addy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenny1471 Posted November 5, 2014 Report Share Posted November 5, 2014 Hi I wanted to reply properly as I read this and it's something I am currently working through with my therapist. I'm sorry that in my reply, this will most probably have a lot about me in it.. It's not my intention to write to take it away from you and make it about it.. I'll be writing it to see if it resonates with you, to help. I am seeing a psychodynamic therapist, twice weekly. I have at times wanted to RUN away.. big time. There have been incredibly hard times and similarly there have been amazing times when she's been so kind. The thing with me is though that I want more of the nice times.. when she's nurturing to me, she is so lovely and I want more and more and more and more... so in the end I push and push and push until she gives less and less. Then of course I feel abandoned and start to spiral in a 'she hates me' way so i spiral in to crisis and ask her for reassurance but whatever she does by then won't help me, as I'm too far in to it. It's taken 18 months for me to truly realise this, and it's taken all that time really.. with her sitting with me, not abandoning me, her living it with me and helping me to see it. It's not been easy at all. But I can now see how this is what, in the past, I have also done in my 'real' relationships with people/friends/partners. It's like someone can be nice to me but I get attached and want it so much that I ruin it! So why am I saying that! I'm not sure now.. except that I wonder whether there is anything that the situation with your therapist is reminding you of? I can fully understand why you'd feel frustrated, forgotten, angry, abandoned etc. at your therapist not reading what you'd ask her to, during the time that you were paying her. That would throw me in to a spiral! Is this something you would be able to talk to her about when you next see her? I don't know about your therapist, but mine used to come back with lots of logic.. like if I were angry/upset she'd explain all nice and logically what happened.... I do realise that's important.. but so are my feelings! I've talked to mine about that now and she realises more that I need to express my feelings as they come up.. not put logic in to them and therefore diminish them. And I wonder if you are able to express your feelings about what has happened, with your therapist and have her listen to you.. really hear what you're saying and how you're feeling.. and then maybe make sense of it together? I get the impression from your email that you may not feel that important to your therapist. Like you mention that she is very busy, working long days/hours.. and that even when you don't go to your appointment which you're paying for, she still hasn't got time for you. That sounds so difficult and SO something I can relate to. I don't feel important at all to my therapist.. and actually for me personally I used to email my therapist literally daily (more than once a day) mainly to remind her of me... like, I'd genuinely feel forgotten and unimportant if I couldn't know she was thinking of me. I don't email her now (our new boundaries) and it's hard to think of her holding me in mind. I am sure that when I walk out of her room she forgets me instantly... but I'm working through that with her. I'm just saying all this really as I'm thinking 'out loud' but also really to encourage you, if you're able, to talk to your therapist about your thoughts/feelings. I hope she is able to take the thoughts/feelings.. to sit with them, to sit with you, and help you through them. xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Threemoons Posted November 5, 2014 Report Share Posted November 5, 2014 Hi Karaindrou. I've not much to add to what's already been said but I agree and aslo I hear and validate you. Your feelings are very important and I wish you'll be able to talk about them with your therapist. That she'll be able to help. Big hugs to you, have peace soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ravenwing Posted November 6, 2014 Report Share Posted November 6, 2014 I can't add much to what's already been said. Just wanted to give you some (((hugs))) x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pickle59 Posted November 6, 2014 Report Share Posted November 6, 2014 :grouphug[1]: :grouphug[1]: ((((((karaindrou))))).........I'm worded out just now but I hope a long and safe and supportive group hugs and holding will help............... :grouphug[1]: :grouphug[1]: .xxx Pickles.xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kara. Posted November 7, 2014 Author Report Share Posted November 7, 2014 Gosh!!! I feel so overwhelmed (in a good way- what's the word for that?) with your lovely support. It means a lot. Thank you so much and hugs are all around me Threemoons, Ravenwing and Pickle59. Jenny, I can relate a lot with your post. Yes to all of it. I feel rejected, abandoned and very ashamed of feeling dependent of my T. It is hard to believe that i can be cared for. I have the same problem of feeling that I am not in my T's mind. That throws me into absolute internal turmoil, the result being what you described: desperately wanting more, T apparently feeling overwhelmed, me wanting even more.... abandonment, shame and the certainty that I am defective. I do react angrily to this. Actually enraged and I have hurt T. I get into a place in myself where I cease to think. I just feel so hurt that all i want to do is hurt back. T was sad. But was there. Gosh! T was there. I'm amazed. My chest hurts after all these emotions but also sings secretly in joy. Jenny thank you for taking the time to share your experience with me. It's reassuring to know that there was an evolution in your therapy. I will keep that in mind and keep hope alive. I'm so pleased that I didn't destroy it all. I hope that I manage to also progress. Lots of hope to all. xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alliecat Posted November 7, 2014 Report Share Posted November 7, 2014 Hi there, I can really empathise with what you've just described - so intense! I hope you're managing to feel better now as it takes a time to wind down I find. But some very good advice given. :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenny1471 Posted November 7, 2014 Report Share Posted November 7, 2014 Hi I have hurt my therapist too.. well, tried to. But luckily she is trained in attachment issues.. she can sit with it and yes she is human too. She has got angry with me, frustrated with me and had to be very 'stern'. But like you, I know what it is like to feel cared for from her too.. and that is lovely. But when I want and want, I get more and more unbearable until she becomes angry. But it's amazing that she's stuck with me.. not abandoned me. Like a baby/toddler.. a baby needs to be held, regardless of their emotions. If a toddler cries and cries or has a massive tantrum in a supermarket.. it'd be good to have an experience of being held (emotionally) during that. To not feel that by having a tantrum you're going to hurt or destroy your parents, rather they can be strong enough to hold you through that and not abandon you. Yes they may need to be stern. But that they still love you, and care for you, even if they don't like the behaviour in that moment. That's how I see me now.. a toddler in an adult body. My therapist and I talk a lot about my attachment.. my need for nurturing and my pushing of her boundaries. It's been amazing.. really bloody difficult, but amazing. I really, really hope that you are able to talk to your therapist about what you've written here, about your feelings towards her.. the anger.. the abandonment.. the care.. it might help Hope you are doing ok Jenny x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kara. Posted November 15, 2014 Author Report Share Posted November 15, 2014 Hi Jenny, Thank you. Yes. The fear that T will abandon me because I'm so ambivalent is great but I too have been feeling grateful that t has stuck to me. I thought that T would want me out and I do think this everyday but T says that this is not true. It helps. I understand the toddler reasoning but at times, when I look at my self and see a grown up woman, very grown up.... then it's difficult. Shameful. But the needs are what they are and unless one is humble enough to accept what is, one won't make it. I'm trying again in therapy. I'm still shaken but in a better place. Posting was very helpful. Thank you so much. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Threemoons Posted November 15, 2014 Report Share Posted November 15, 2014 Keep going, Karaindrou, we're all with you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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