Feeling Different

[Blooart]

Ever since being a kid I've always been very self-aware of my childhood and place in comparison to my peers.

Now, at 30 years old it still niggles at the back of my mind, and with this anger and unhappiness (not sure about depression).

I'm a very rational, logical person in general, I have a powerful job at the top of a medium business which I love, one reason is it keeps me busy and productive, with no time to 'dwell' on personal thoughts too much.

Nothing bad has particularly happened to me, though perhaps deep down it does feel as though I've been hit with tragedies. I lost my mother at 2.5 years of age, which to be honest as I never knew her, have never missed her as such. However have been very aware that virtually everyone, in my life anyway, has a mother, and receives the love and care 'needed' when young. My dad always did best by me I think, yet there's no bond there and he did make me unhappy growing up with his anger and moodiness, ultimately he wanted to be left alone, as I often do - I appreciate my own space and time alone.

I was also the 'poor boy' compared to all my friends - I was clever at school, and generally all the clever kids had a more stable background. With this there was some teasing and bullying, but to be honest I think I can agree that at that age 'most kids' can be pretty nasty without any real intent and comes from a lack of understanding.

The best way I can explain it is deep down I am ashamed of my father (he is very negative, though to my partner he is much more positive, he leaves his 'real thoughts' to unleash on me - nothing terrible, just moaning, as if the world is out to get him negativity). He can make me feel crap just by spending an hour with him, but as he's my dad I do try and see him every other weekend at least. He struggles socially, he can talk to my partner about the specifications of a 1960's motorbike engine, which he has no idea most people don't understand, yet talk about anything like what we or he have been doing, and it's a 30 second conversation that gets cut short when he finds another tangent to move on to...

What's also become clear to me is that my Grandfather, that my father looked up to, and all the people around him as friends and at work adored him, that he wasn't bothered by me at all. Whenever Gran & Grandad were looking after me, he would go out most of the time, and I believe he had a drinking problem, not abusive, but every single day regular drinking. His lack of care for me bothers me deep down to.

Sometimes it feels as if I've never been loved, despite having the most caring gentle and lovely partners I can imagine. I have found it strange that my friends and my partner have such a close bond with their mother/father or both - as I have never had this, if anything I've just wanted to be away from my father.

It plagues me today that despite things I have achieved, yet they never seem enough. I'm very very hard to impress, which in business it seems to be good, but personally it must be frustrating for those around me.

Would like some input on any thoughts, as it's not stopping me from functioning, but there's some deep seated issues I clearly have, and have not yet been able to deal with on my own.

Thanks.

[Pickle59]

Hi (((Blooart))) and welcome to the forum................Thanks for sharing some of your life story..........it sounds like you have done very well for yourself and feel maybe satisfied on the outside but it is inside that something is really nagging and not sitting right........I might have this wrong, just what I picked up.............I'm sorry to hear about your Mum passing away when you were very young............at an age when our conscious memories will be very scanty............but maybe not the emotional ones..........?..This must have been such a wrench even though maybe you are not conscious of it................Ive only learned (and my mother is alive) through therapy how much I was affected by, at a crucial time in development, the absence of my mother, through my own ill health and the crazy rules they used to have for parents in those days.................you know, told to stay away when I was in hospital in the 'supposed best interest of the child'.................I certainly don't remember it like this and I know it shut me off, and for most of my life I have been subconsciouly looking for that connection, which was broken, ever since...............It sounds like you have learned to be independent, make the best of your skills, practically and mentally but maybe emotionally something possibly went askew...............it must have been very traumatic for your Dad too..........at a time, when it wasn't so hands on with Dads with their children..............All credit to you for what you have and are achieving, but I want you to know I have heard you with you knowing and feeling deep down that you have some deep seated issues..............I really hope you can get some help with how to work and find what these may be..............Have a browse around the forum, and just wondering whether you have ever thought of some counselling or therapy..............self help is good to, but with guidance is better me thinks, especially when starting to explore...............Again, a very warm and I hope you will like it here..........Pickles